Life InSight Coaching and Consulting

10/17/2022

I am currently in a process that requires reflecting on my childhood self. My goal is to become more whole and more fully aware. Recently, a lightbulb insight occurred to me. These realizations seem to come out of nowhere, like surprise gifts.

Here is the insight: regret is another word for something incomplete. Feeling regret means there is more work to do on an issue. Let me unpack this. First, here’s a definition of regret thanks to the online Cambridge Dictionary; “a feeling of sadness about something sad or wrong or about a mistake that you made, and a wish that it could have been different and better.” My understanding is that general regrets are not about “life or death” situations, but those significant to us actions or inactions in everyday life.

Here is one of my experiences of regret. I have regretted not living in New York City immediately after graduating from college. It was a dream of mine. I arranged to sublet an apartment although in a rather sketchy part of the city. While moving in boxes of my belongings and ready to spend my first night, I suddenly got cold feet. I didn’t have a job yet! Was I safe to go out alone at night? I only knew a couple people in the city. Did I want to live alone? The upshot was, I put the boxes back in the car and left the city…

What is incomplete about my feelings of regret about not living in New York City? Figuring that out is the first step in the work to achieve completion. Of course, I can’t go back in time and make a different decision, choosing to move in and stay in that apartment. When I dig into my memories about that time, what I discern is that I wanted to try being on my own and making my own way. And I wanted to achieve this in a big city that was a center for the arts.

The next step I have taken is to realize that I have now lived the experience of being on my own and making it in my own way. No, it was not in New York City, but I have had those experiences. And, I have now lived in New York City, and thoroughly enjoyed the art scene there. It helps to acknowledge that I have lived these experiences although not at that time right after college.

Is there still anything unrealized? Of course, right after college is a uniquely sweet time. I can’t duplicate that. I can knowlingly recreate an experience of stepping out, daring to try something new or challenging. And do this with what has felt unfinished very much in mind. For example, I could sublet an apartment in a large city somewhere and pursue some art classes, living on my own. In whatever way this is put together, it becomes a matter of actively planning in the present, not staying sad about the past.

A note here, regrets can mean something done or not done to or with another. This circumstance offers another level of difficulty. Can you write a letter of apology? Make an act of atonement? Perhaps, if someone is no longer living, you need to forgive them or yourself. There are many aspects to consider.

In summary, here are three steps, figure out what, about a regret, feels incomplete, then ask, have I lived out any of those wished for experiences already? And finally, if there are unrealized aspects, how can they be addressed? Enjoy salvaging those regrets, completing them, and while you’re at it, enjoying living in the present!

09/19/2022

Ideas for Engaging with Difficult People
In my last blog, I explored my pastor’s three categories for understanding another. In summary, someone’s identity - gender, sexual orientation, race, nationality, and religious affiliation is sacrosanct. We can engage with others in the areas of ideology (what we have learned from family, education, and our culture) and behavior.

I ended the blog with an overview on how to engage with others, without assumptions and asking questions aimed at gathering information to better understand. In this blog I go deeper into ways to constructively engage others, particularly when there is strong disagreement.

Loretta Ross, an American activist and academic, coined the term “calling in,” an antidote to destructive calling out behavior. In a New York Times article, she describes calling in as “a call out done with love.” Ross emphasizes that the person doing the calling needs to be curious and to “lead with love.” The exchange happens privately and respectfully. Context is explored, and hopefully a give and take emerges leading to more understanding and an easing of corrosive emotions.

Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, academic, and author of “Think Again,” offers these suggestions for engaging with those we disagree with or find difficult. Prevent your ideas from being a part of your identity. Interesting, in my last blog I pointed this out. Identity is not about our beliefs and learning. Our ideology holds our beliefs and education. And beliefs and understanding can change! We grow! Keep identity free from ideas and beliefs. Next, be curious and open-minded. Take courage and be open to “unlearn.” I believe this can also mean being open to learning new things and changing.

To engage with difficult others, the first step is to be willing to grow and change yourself. As noted above, it takes courage and self-awareness. It takes open-mindedness and the humility to change and learn. Finally, it takes respectful and compassionate behavior with others. This is hard work. There is no room for complacency or rigidity. But the long-term rewards of taking these steps are beyond measure.

09/05/2022

Three Categories for Understanding and Engaging with Others
My pastor introduced us to a new way of understanding ourselves and each other. He divides how you see and understand another, and also yourself, into three categories. I’m not sure if I have the precise names of the attributes, but close enough.

The first is Identity. Within this construct are gender, sexual orientation, race, nationality, and religious affiliation. All features in this category are an innate part of you. Either you are born with them or feel personally compelled to embrace them. This is the soul-full part of a every person. It’s a person’s ‘beingness.’ When you consider yourself as an example of this category, you intuitively understand that this category is innate to all of us.

The second is Ideology. Within this category are beliefs, opinions, and ideas. This is the intellectual side of a person. We gather this information during our lives through education, family, and life experiences. And these are malleable. Almost everyone has had the experience of changing their mind about an issue because of new information and understanding.

The third aspect is Behavior. This is literally obvious, the actions a person takes. They are visible to everyone in the vicinity of the actor.

Our pastor, Andrew, explained that identity is a given and therefore not a part of someone that can be questioned or criticized. This is an important point. How often do we hear about someone singled out or ostracized because of their race, religion, or sexual orientation? This type of prejudice is an assault against someone’s identity, one’s beingness.

Of course, we can engage with others in the realms of ideology and behavior. The key is how to do so. In my experience, with respect and lots of questions. Personally, I learn more about someone if I start with questions aimed at learning and understanding them. Better not to make assumptions. And I often find that I did have assumptions when I learn they were wrong! All the better to start with information-gathering questions.

But of most significance is the understanding that another’s identity is a given, to be respected if not cherished.

08/22/2022

Insights into the Value of Coaching
Recently I heard a Hidden Brain podcast that reinforced my conviction about the value of life coaching. And a warning, this is a shameless advertisement for coaching; I am a life coach.

The podcast, You 2.0 How to See Yourself Clearly, is about how well we truly know ourselves, and ways to improve our self-knowledge. The thesis of the podcast is that in our culture, we believe that the answers to our questions lie within and that we can reflect and know what is best for us. That process is usually a rational one; what are the pros and cons of a particular choice. The process may apply to the choice of a partner, a career, or which car or house to buy.

Several interesting studies are covered in the podcast that demonstrate that others who know us often know our preferences better than we know them ourselves. Still another study finds that when we consider how other people feel about the same or a similar situation, we end up feeling similarly despite initially rejecting that information. We do this because we believe that we are unique, and therefore need to decide based on our individuality, not someone else’s experience. I found the podcast eye-opening and informative. I recommend listening to it.

About coaching. Although the podcast did not mention coaching and the studies did not allude to coaching, my experience of both coaching someone and being coached touches on some of the information in the podcast. Essentially, as a coach my training enables me to see and hear my client clearly and deeply and focus on the goals of the client. When I have been the client, I felt seen and heard in a way that I do not or cannot see or hear myself.

Here’s an example of my experience of being coached. Recently I experienced a death in my immediate family. I struggled with what seemed a vague and enormous sorrow that I could not define, could not get my arms around. Of course, I was mourning a family member, but I sensed that there was more going on. It was painful, and I couldn’t figure it out. I was stuck. My coach asked, “and are you also grieving the loss of your family of origin?” Bingo. As soon as he said it, it clicked. I felt relieved and knew what I was dealing with. I could now see clearly.

As a coach, I have had the same experience in reverse. I will observe and then ask a question or reflect on something I have noticed, an omission, a change in voice, or shift in body language. Bingo. My client will stop, pivot, and experience a shift. There is an opening that was not there before.

Here’s an example of coaching a client; they want to make a big move but can’t see how to achieve it. Family issues, complications about money, when and how, multiple issues and choices make the path opaque. During coaching, the changes were not immediate but over several weeks, when to take which steps became clear. In the end, the client achieved the goal, moved, and now feels empowered and much happier.

Yes, coaching can help you to know yourself better, make better choices, and understand problems and issues with more clarity!

07/25/2022

Here We Are, Climate Change Is Now, What to Do?

The dangerous heat waves of this summer got me thinking about our human relationship with the natural world. Curbing global warming is crucial now. This truth is all too obvious.

Along with taking steps to reduce and eliminate carbon emissions that cause the warming, we, as a culture need to reevaluate our relationship with nature. I have seen and heard the saying, ‘we’re all in this together’ meaning that peoples everywhere are experiencing effects of climate change, intense storms, heat, drought, cloudbursts and so on. Yes, we are all in this together; all the living organisms on earth are in this, too.

I am fortunate that I grew up on a working farm and lived intimately with the fields, forests, streams, and wildlife. Also the circle of seasons and weather throughout the year. I have lived in cities, too. I know the heat of concrete buildings and streets at mid-day in August. While I lived in a city, I came to realize how detached and ignorant people can be about the natural world.

This ignorance is dangerous. We need to tackle and reduce climate change to save not only ourselves, but the ecosystems that we are an integral part of and that we depend upon for our well-being, our survival. One example, our food comes from plants, whether you are a vegetarian or not. Cows eat grass and grain! Beyond our own self-interest, it is vital that we realize that complex ecosystems of interdependent species need to be supported and cared for. It's like taking a brick out of a wall, then another. It doesn’t seem to make a difference until it does, and the wall itself collapses.

To stimulate more awareness, take note of the sounds, sights, and feel of nature around you. Some of us may need to mourn what has changed and what has already been lost. But also be thankful for the beauty and wonder that is. On a podcast I heard recently, the presenter suggested that we go barefoot in our yards, to connect more directly with the earth. I did, and it brought me back to my childhood days when by the end of summer my feet were tough enough to walk across a black top road feeling nothing!

So, each household: reduce the use of hydrocarbons! There is a lot of information about hos to do this. We can all do something and build on that over time. Also, love and cherish this natural world that we are a part of and that sustains us.

07/11/2022

A Happy Community Story, for a Change

The blog topic today is different today. It’s a light-hearted take on community and personal learning. A breather during fraught times.

Last week, my cat got out. He is supposed to be an ‘indoor’ cat. I chose Riley last January to keep my now lonely dog company. It didn’t feel right to bring a new dog home. Riley, a semi-feral cat, was found “sleeping with a dog.” This fact, along with the shelter’s description of him, clinched my decision that he was the one to adopt.

Riley is exceeding shy. A handsome tuxedo, he hid in the closet of one room for a week, barely coming out to eat and use his litter box. Gradually, ever so gradually, he explored the house and became familiar with Sebastian the dog, and me. Over time, I found Riley to be affectionate, never aggressive, but still shy. He disappears if others enter the house. I continue to work on being able to pick him up! I kept reminding myself that he was “a work in progress” and hoped that he would become more comfortable and companionable.

On our first hot summer night, I set up a fan, opened windows, although not too wide. I also knew that the windows were screened as well. Riley didn’t like the fan, but our evening routine seemed to hold. He goes to sleep on my bed, and when he gets restless, he leaves. I then shut the door and the dog, sleeping beside my bed, and I have an uninterrupted night’s sleep. Riley is always waiting to re-enter the bedroom in the morning to greet us. But not the morning after that hot night.

Riley was nowhere to be found. The house was silent and still. I looked in every cat hiding place and every crook and cranny. No Riley! Then, I looked for ways he could have gotten out. Sadly, I discovered that one of the open windows did not have a screen as I had believed. It became clear that Riley, probably exploring, squeezed out that window, and then could only move forward, and out into the night. I imagine that his feral skills kicked in as he managed the landscape…

I felt devastated. At first, I didn’t know what to do. Riley didn’t know these surroundings. How could I find him? How could he get back in? I got an inkling of how terrible it feels to not know where someone is, or even if they are alive, and helpless to do anything about it.

Over the next couple of days, I asked my friends and my veterinarian what I could do. From their advice, I put together a list of items to put out by the door, his litter box, food, and an item of mine. I put these by the front door, the one we usually use. But was this the right one for Riley, the shy half-feral cat? One day, I took Sebastian for a walk and asked him, “where is Riley?” The dog took us in a direction he never goes. We wandered around my neighbor’s backyards for a while. I saw no cat and no signs of a cat. I spoke to my neighbor asking them to be on the lookout. And I learned something. I put Riley’s box and food by the back door, nearer the direction Sebastian indicated.

I had one more idea. I decided to open that backdoor while I was home. The heck with flies and mosquitoes. I could take care of a few of those to get Riley back.

And, six days after Riley got out, he walked back in! He announced himself by meowing by my chair! After a joyful greeting, I hurried to shut the door. (The screen in now in the window. The windows are now only opened a crack.)

What did I learn? I learned how much I love this animal. I had been a little ambivalent. No longer. And I learned from a community of concerned people what I could do to bring Riley back. I learned from Sebastian! He showed me where Riley was hiding out. And Riley seems to have learned, too. He chose to return, and he is much more affectionate now. I appreciate the community that helped me learn and bring Riley home.

06/27/2022

What a time!

Our country is torn apart. We’ve seen this coming for a long time. It is happening on many fronts, but the most intense situation is now upon us. Two camps, one favoring abortion rights and one favoring ending those rights, are starkly in contrast. One, the desire to end abortions, has seemingly achieved a big victory. But we all know that this is not the end of the story. There are strongly held beliefs and deeply felt emotions on both sides of this issue.

How do we manage this volatile, destructive divide? The impulse on the “losing” side is to strike back. To protest, to act aggressively, to take back, reinstate, change back, regain the former status quo in any and every legal way conceivable. Action!

I guess you can tell where I stand on the issue.

But, much as I want to regain the former legal standing, I know that simply striking back is not the best path forward. I just wrote a pair of blogs on the elements of healthy communities. Two aspects of healthy communities stand out now, common goals, and similar values. Our country is wide apart on those, at least on this volatile issue.

So what to do? And I must add, I am not opposed to legal actions to re-achieve universal access to abortions and reproductive choices for women and couples of child-bearing age. But that is not enough!

The answer is not anything new, and it is not at all easy. But it is simple. First, stop, breathe. While acknowledging your intense feelings, set them aside. Be curious, open yourself to listening to others who think and believe differently. Acknowledge their opinions. Ask for the same respect from them. Engage in a dialogue. No one “wins.” New and different ideas and paths will not evolve immediately, but they will in time. Perhaps, no probably, there will be as yet unimagined and better ways to resolve this now divisive issue.

06/20/2022

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Awaken the Power Within Purpose: To provide individuals and organizations with a supportive process to solve their particularly challenging dilemmas and difficulties. COACHING As an Associate Certified Coach (ACC) accredited by the International Coaching Federation, I help you find your best answers...

06/13/2022

(Title) What Makes a Community Healthy and Ideas for Getting There

In my last blog, I wrote that in this one I would explore what makes a community healthy, and steps to achieve that health.

First, I chose the word healthy to define a robust, productive community because it connotes a complete state of positivity, socially, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. In other words, a place where people can thrive.

And what are the qualities of a community where everyone can thrive? Here are some characteristics from the website positive psychology.
• There are common goals, similar values, and belief systems. For example, providing an excellent education system.
• Everyone feels comfortable speaking their opinions and beliefs, even when not that of the majority
• People’s concerns are listened to, considered seriously and respectfully, and even recorded and addressed
• Those in positions of power conduct their duties with clear boundaries and thorough communications
• Rules are clear and apply to everyone equally
• Traditions and heritage are celebrated
• The community encourages interaction among members

These are high standards to achieve. Add to that, like all growing and living entities, communities need a lot of work to become healthy and constant tending to stay healthy.

I also wrote that I would suggest ways to create a healthy community. This is another tall order. Our country falls far short today. The reasons why are subject matter for another blog, or a book!

How is a healthy community created? Along with a lot of hard work and time, the negative, unhealthy aspects must be identified, and challenged. Knowing what a healthy community looks and feels like, makes this easier to do. I suggest that we have all had experiences, perhaps brief, perhaps in small communities, of a healthy community. These times can be a helpful touchstone.

There is a lot to do. Keep in mind, we humans are social creatures, we need community to not only thrive, but to survive, we are wired this way! That being noted, here is a suggestion to get started. Pick one aspect of your chosen community that is lacking, or anemic, and work to improve that. As one aspect improves, another can then follow. Also, first select something that is easier, low hanging fruit. For example, celebrating common traditions may be an easier goal than replacing unsatisfactory leaders. Gradually, I hope we can all talk and work with each other again, meaningfully.

05/30/2022

What is a Community?
The other day I chanced on a Facebook comment that got me thinking. Yes, sadly, it was about the recent shooting in Uvalde Texas. The suggestion was to harden public schools with armed guards, single entry access and so on. My first response was a sense of dismay. And I also understood the reason for the suggestion, to provide safety for our children.

I almost responded to the post but did not. I had to work through my own feelings and thoughts on the issue. Because of my training as a mental health counselor, I know that humans are social beings. In essence, this means we need caregiving as infants and children, and lots of guidance and support for years to become mature, successful adults. Our cultures are organized around this reality, families, clans, communities.

Since schools, grocery stores and the many other public locations where shootings have occurred are often community spaces, I researched the attributes of communities. Thanks to an article at www.yourarticlelibrary.com I found 13 attributes of communities. Some are obvious; a group of people, a specific location, a sense of permanence, no legal status, a name, a variety of sizes, concreteness (it’s real, not imaginary!), and uniqueness.

The other attributes are more experiential and emotional. There is “community sentiment” meaning people identify with that community. For example, I remember when traveling that it felt good to run into someone from my home state. We felt a bond. Another attribute is “naturality.” The organization of the community is based on human needs and desires, not dictated by external entities. Think of local decisions about school structures, parks, etc. Next, members of a community feel that there are similarities among members. Not that everyone is identical, but that there are shared values, customs, and traditions. Think of unique community celebrations. And the last element of a community is that social life within the community is fully organized and available to members. I believe that this refers to the ability of community organizations to meet emotional and spiritual needs. Think of hospitals, churches, food banks, mental health agencies, etc.

One of the statements in the article that resonated for me is “a community is a society in miniature.” The suggestion to harden schools to make them safe would weaken not strengthen a community, undermining trust and connectiveness. How did we get to this point? Self- protection takes precedence within a community? What is our fear? How do we build or rebuild our many communities?

How healthy is/are the communities you dwell in?

Next blog, I will explore what a healthy community is like. And thoughts on how to achieve health.

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