Living With Losses: Support for ALL Losses and Grief

09/27/2020

How can you help someone who is grieving during the pandemic? Read on to find out ways in which you can help.

If you are concerned about someone who is struggling with grief during the Pandemic here are a few suggestions.  As always I start with my standard guidelines for supporting someone who is grieving.  Keep in mind that this is not about you.  Remember that they may grieve d

09/27/2020

How do we grieve a death during a pandemic? Please click the link to read more on this subject.

How are we expected to handle death, loss and grief during the current Covid-19 Pandemic?  The simple answer is, with difficulty.   We all know what is missing - our traditional, expected, needed, comforting rituals and ceremonies, the community of mourners that always follow the

03/29/2020

TEMPORARY GRIEF IN A TIME OF FEAR? - Life and Loss in the midst of Covid-19

I have often talked about the fact that we have many more Losses that cause Grief than just the big Losses that usually come to mind.  But, what of Temporary Losses?  Can we experience Temporary Grief?  How can Fear influence our sense of Loss?  Can you actually g

10/17/2019

“SOME THINGS”

I really cried the other day. Not just a little whimper but a pure, full-body cry. It was just a Thing not a person. When my children were little if some Thing broke I would remind them that although it was hard to lose things, it was losing a person that was more worth our tears.

I can still agree with that sentiment, particularly when I realize that we do weigh and judge our losses whether we should or not. Yet, once I encountered those who lost their possessions in house fires, lost irreplaceable heirlooms, lost jewelry or pictures that were their only link to people they lost….I came to know that some Things are so rich in meaning that losing them is devastating and worth our tears.

Even so, at times I continue to tell myself that Things are not worth grieving as mightily as people, because Things are not the same thing.

Years ago realizing that if I wanted to openly and honestly journey with those who were experiencing their own devastating Loss and Grief, their own gut-wrenching heartbreak, I needed to be aware of my own. So, part of my training was to recognize, own and accept my life’s own accumulation of wounds and grief. As many of us do I had minimized and pushed deep inside pain and grief that I never wanted to release or feel or even admit to myself.

During this work one of my supervisors had a piece of ceramic art that captivated me. It was a vessel whose darkest, outer and lighter, inner walls, each of a different clay, were torn apart. The rent in them revealed a pure, smooth, perfectly formed, complete, beautiful vessel. I cannot remember how many times in the midst of oozing my own brokenness and fear that I would never heal enough nor reduce my scars enough to be worth the work I so wanted to do, my eye would catch that piece of art and I would find hope and comfort in the idea that inside my own brokenness there might be something or someone of worth, like the perfect form inside the ripped layers of clay.

Looking at that one ceramic piece or recalling its image gave me the strength to move through some extremely difficult moments. It became a beacon of hope for me.

When I was ordained I received, as a gift from the staff, a replica of that ceramic art. They tracked down the artist, explained their request for a duplicate piece and the artist agreed. I am still awed by the insight, devotion and work involved to obtain that beautiful art for me. When I opened it all the pain, loss, hope and strength this piece of art meant to me flooded me with so much emotion and gratitude that I could hardly hold it.

I have kept it with me - always. It has been in my office where my clients could see it, in the hopes that it might inspire some of them to see the strength and beauty that could exist inside their brokenness. It also stood where I could glance it when I needed it.

The other day I started dusting the cabinet in which this beloved piece of art has been since my last move. I did not realize that the cabinet must have been damaged in that move. As I opened it to dust, the entire cabinet fell on me. All of its contents tumbled out on the floor. The one piece that shattered beyond recognition was this one, emotional, spiritual, perfect image of all it represented to me. At first I ridiculously hoped to glue it back together. Then I realized the pieces were too many and far too small to attach to each other; some were almost powder.

Then I cried. I cried for all the pain and Loss I had once opened while I held on to that image to survive. I cried for all the times that I filled that vessel with my hope and how it gave me strength. I cried for all those I have journeyed with who have voiced their own relationship with that piece of art and all those who may never have noticed it. I cried hot, fluid tears that made it hard to see. I cried for that art that was worth more than it was ever designed to hold. I cried for a Thing that I might have said was not worth so many tears. I cried for the loss of some Thing so important and meaningful that of all MY possessions, it was the one Thing I held most dear. Then I cried harder for all those I have journeyed with who have lost Things much more important than a gift; their only pictures of their dead family members, the jewelry given to them by loved ones long gone, the houses and money they worked so hard for so many years to earn that burned away or disappeared, the jobs and careers they devoted themselves to that they lost, so many THINGS that have meant so much to us that we are told are not worth true grief because they were not a death.

We grieve different Losses if we are honest, or we should. Certainly, we can prioritize them if we need or wish to. But, the truth is that sometimes Loss is Loss and Grief is Grief. Sometimes losing the Thing that is our link to someone we loved and love is as painful as losing them. And, sometimes Things have much more meaning than the matter and stuff of which they are made.

Patricia Shelden
Living With Losses

10/17/19

05/13/2019

How we are judged when we hurt

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “That has to be the worst kind of Loss, and the most painful Grief” Usually, this is attributed to the loss of a child, although many times I have heard people use similar statements about the Loss of a spouse, particularly when the marriage has been...

05/11/2019

HOW WE ARE JUDGED WHEN WE HURT

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “That has to be the worst kind of Loss, and the most painful Grief” Usually, this is attributed to the loss of a child, although many times I have heard people use similar statements about the Loss of a spouse, particularly when the marriage has been long term. I have encountered those whose Grief was devastating after the Loss of family heirlooms or their careers or the death of friends. It sounds so scientific to measure and categorize the types of Losses and the volume and intensity of Grief.

The benefit of such judgements regarding Loss and the Grief is that they allow others to pass judgment on the value of another person’s Loss and how they are exhibiting their Grief. The truth is that no one other than those in a relationship know the experiences, struggles, connections and emotions involved. When we speak of someone else’s particular Loss we have no idea of exactly what they are feeling and experiencing. I have heard well-meaning but judgmental comments about someone else’s Loss and Grief more times than I want to remember, “She has been crying way too much. It is time to stop.” “It’s been several months. Why can’t he just move on with his life?” “I imagine it hurts. But, come on! Life goes on!” “I think he needs therapy to get over the death of his wife.”

Of course passing judgement on another’s Loss and Grief is no different than other judgements we make or endure. We judge those who are less fortunate because we believe we can learn how to avoid their situation from the wrong choices they made. We judge the behavior, dress, and mistakes of women who are r***d to ensure that we women and the women we love are safe as long as we avoid those mistakes, choosing to not see the r***d woman as a victim or survivor but as the Unfortunate. We point out to our children the wrongs and mistakes of those who are addicted, and mentally ill so they will not grow up to fall victim to these problems and our future disappointments as if they were chosen and developed intentionally.

The problem with any judgment of another person is that we have no idea what their life experience has been, so we judge blindly and often wrongly. The prime problem with such judgments as they pertain to the Losses and Grief of others is that they desensitize us to the pain of Grief and the ache of Loss. Judging others gives us distance from them and their plight. Judging gives us the choice to decide that someone is not handling or expressing their Grief correctly and the certainty that we would handle things differently, better. It gives us the choices to categorize and analyze their pain intellectually and ignore the inherent emotions.

I will not disagree that some Losses appear to be more painful and harder to bear than others.
However, after journeying for over 20 years with people who are grieving I am positive that I have no idea how someone else feels about their Loss and Grief and what they are experiencing unless they tell me. There are similarities in some Losses and Grief. Yet, each person feels and experiences them uniquely due to the nuances and individuality of their relationships. We each heal in our own time and way, as fully as we can.

These judgments, even if not spoken, are felt. The result is that they leave alone the person who is in pain and might be desperate for anyone to try to understand. Better yet, they may simply need someone who is willing to accept that their Loss and Grief are their own and not open to interpretation or judgment.

04/05/2019

I must apologize for my great delay in adding new Posts. I have been dealing with a family member’s illness and an injury I experienced last year.

New Posts will begin in the next few days.
Thank you for your patience and interest.