05/10/2024
Tiferet 2024
The third week of the Omer focuses on the Sefira of Tiferet, the Balance point between Chesed and Gevurah, the heart center, the seat of compassion, truth and beauty.
Today is the third day of Tiferet and I am having a very difficult time with the meditation practice this week because it is making me very uncomfortable as I try to meditate on my own Compassion.
This is really hard to write.
Chesed sheba Tiferet
The 15th Day of the Omer, Chesed sheba Tiferet. Lovingkindness in compassion. today begins the week of reflection on Tiferet, the balance point between expansiveness and restriction, the heart center, our propensity for compassion.
I ask myself, does my propensity for compassion contain Chesed, unconditional love. I am stuck right here. My first thought is realization that I am not really a compassionate person. I may often “think” I am compassionate when I see others in distress or when I donate to charities, organizations, GoFundMe’s, etc. In my head I think I am compassionate, but in my heart? I don’t know that I feel it emotionally. How can I articulate the Chesed of my compassion, If I am not even compassionate?
For a long term I have realized that I do not have a strong emotional intelligence, meaning i do not recognize, acknowledge, articulate or express what I am feeling. I generally suppress my emotions or sometimes, just act them out without paying attention to them. For most of my life, I have considered emotions to be like farts, they arise and pass. Just let them go. As I age, I am realizing that by not paying attention to my own emotions, I am also not paying attention to other’s emotions. Too much surface relationship and not enough depth.
I have a hard time actually showing compassion, seeing, acknowledging, expressing and identifying with the emotional physical distress that others are experiencing. I find it difficult to express and show compassion one on one with friends, family and acquaintances who are going thru some s**t … and then there are strangers. Ah yes, the stranger, the person I encounter on the street, the panhandler…. 25 years ago, when I first began making daily trips to do work at Morse & Glenwood, I would cary a box of power bars in my car and have a few in my pocket, so when I would encounter people on the street with their hand out, I would be able to give these folks something to eat and feel that I was doing a good deed. One day, a regular waived me off and said “Look at my teeth”, (there were only a few in his mouth), “I can’t eat these.” I don’t remember what I felt, but I don’t think it was compassion. Today, I often don’t even have dollars in my pocket, so it is a special effort to get change in the store to give to someone on the way out. I feel it more of a duty, a mitzvah, to give….. I think it, but I am not feeling compassionate.
Ten or fifteen years later, I vividly remember walking down Glenwood with my friend Vince and when we passed a person asking for money, Vince talked to him, asked how he was doing, gave him a hug and a few bucks. It was real. It was a human interaction. Maybe one day, I can cultivate the compassion of Vince.
The 16th Day of the Omer, Gevurah sheba Tiferet.
As I meditate today on whether my Tiferet contains Gevurah, I am still stuck on my lack of feeling compassion and I realize that I most likely have too much Gevurah with respect to compassion. Gevurah derives from the word Yirah which means fear and awe. What am I afraid of that causes me to create a boundary between me and others and blocks an emotional connection with others. Am I afraid of saying the wrong thing? Fear of the reactions from others? Just fear of physical confrontation? Fear of having to come up with something to say/ Fear of exposing my self? I don’t know. I have to do some work on this. I can’t see the divine spark of others and they cannot see me if i am hiding my own self.
The 17th Day of the Omer, Tiferet sheba Tiferet.
As I think about my propensity for truth and compassion, I am realizing that I need to acknowledge the truth of my own lack of emotional identity with others, and have some compassion for my self. I am sitting and owning my truth of what I lack and begin to feel and express from my heart, not just from my head. Maybe I will be able to feel the heart, the truth, the beauty and the pain of others.