05/06/2020
Annette Evans asked me to contribute to her On Her Own project. Here are my responses to her questions. Enjoy!
It's the return of When She's On Her Own, this time with Eve's experience.
Remember: this is a space for you to share YOUR unique story. All of us have different experiences and it's my hope to help you teach and learn from each other.
Want to add your story? Contact me through the page!
---
ππππ π’π ππππ’π‘ π π‘πππ π€βππ π¦ππ’ ππππ‘ ππππ π¦ππ’ π€πππ ππ π¦ππ’π ππ€π.
In 2009/2010, I ended a toxic, ten year relationship with my live-in boyfriend. I was in college when he and I met. I lived alone for a short time while attending university, but I was not financially independent. We moved in together while I was still in college and lived together nearly the entire time we dated. Things that occurred during the relationship caused me to distance myself from my family. When I ended the relationship, I was truly on my own emotionally and financially.
πβππ‘ π€ππ π π πππππππ πβπππππππ π¦ππ’ πππππ ππ π‘βππ‘ π‘πππ?
I had to learn a new way of navigating the world. My thoughts and speech were always negative. I did not understand how to be independent.
π»ππ€ πππ π¦ππ’ ππππ ππ‘?
I was blessed to have friends at the time who helped me identify that the relationship was unhealthy. I was so entrenched in the negativity of that relationship, I could not see the dysfunction in my thinking or my emotions. Those friends were supportive and helped me change the course of my life.
π·π π¦ππ’ βππ£π π πππ π πππ πππππππ π¦ππ’ πππ π βπππ π€ππ‘β ππ‘βππ π€ππππ ππ π‘βπ π πππ π ππ‘π’ππ‘πππ?
The biggest lesson I learned from those friends was to think positively. It sounds trite and simplistic. But, I cannot overemphasize the importance of positive thoughts! It is common place for women to tell each other, βYouβre worth it!β And, βYou deserve better!β And, βYou are good enough!β Those things are all true. But the reality is when someone is stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts, telling someone those βbig ticket itemsβ [of positive thinking/mental health] and wanting them to believe and internalize it is akin to wanting them to jump straight to the top of a mountain. Forget using a helicopter, forget taking a car, forget walking, use your own two feet and just jump really high! Thatβs the essence of the message for someone who has habituated a negative outlook. It is an unrealistic expectation to think the Big Ticket positive thoughts will become normal without practicing positive thinking with the small things.
Women are good at telling each other we are βworthyββ¦but we fail to help each other habituate positive thoughts. When I was first truly on my own, I began to shift my thinking starting with the little things β meaning, the really little things. For me, this meant changing my language and even my internal dialogue. I removed ALL negative words from my vocabulary. Canβt, donβt, shouldnβt, wouldnβt, NOT, these no longer had a place in my head or speech.
Instead of thinking, βI canβt have ice cream today.β I trained myself to think, βI CAN have banana bread.β Instead of, βI donβt want to go for a run,β it was, βI DO want to ride my bike.β Rather than, βThese words arenβt acceptable,β it became, βThese words ARE okay.β I call this the βLow Hanging Mental Fruit.β Changing these thoughts first leads to successfully changing thoughts about more significant things.
βIβll never shoot that well,β became, βIf I DO practice this drill, Iβll become better atβ¦.β For my career, βI canβt make that project deadline,β became, βI CAN accomplish these tasks to complete 80% of the project goal by the deadline.β
In this way, little by little, my inner monologue became positive. That shaped my outlook on my future, my capabilities and my goals. If I can share one message, this would be it.
The image of the tree with the expressions around it represents a way to start changing negative thinking. To climb the tree, you have to start at the bottom. The Rosie the Riveter βRAH RAH we can do it!β speech is great. But, the Low Hanging Mental Fruit is the tangible path to walk, the real steps to take to actually get, do and feel better.
