03/04/2024
There are so many variables that can affect a student's capacity on any given day, or even at any given moment. In those moments when they are not at the top of their game, that's when it's most important to show them that they are still valued and respected.
Em's statement is perfect: "I can provide dynamic support to my kids to match their needs."
What a great reminder to meet our kids where they are every day. ❤️
Respecting fluctuating capacity means accepting inconsistency.
All the text in blue bubbles shows the harmful things that our kids get told when people do not understand or respect their fluctuating capacity.
So what do I mean?
I mean I accept that my kids can’t consistently Do The Things.
Some days they can and other days they don’t have the capacity.
It’s not a question of effort. It’s not them being ‘behavioural’.
It’s a reflection of their sensory systems, emotional systems, fatigue, health, and a ton of other things.
Back in the day I expected consistency.
If I saw my kid do something one day, I would then expect them to do it again the next day.
When they didn’t, I would have a big emotional response.
I would be so unbelievably frustrated. Because surely it was reasonable to expect them to do it again? I mean, they had already shown me they could.
Understanding fluctuating capacity was a game changer.
It was essential to understand that it’s a case of ‘can’t’, not ‘won’t’.
It means I can provide dynamic support to my kids to match their needs. It means I can (usually) do that without the big emotions.
I don’t do it perfectly. Because as you know, I have my own fluctuating capacity to deal with.
I get it wrong some days.
I also get it right some days.
Expecting consistency leads to disappointment, shame, a negative self image. Because many of us can’t perform consistently, despite our best efforts.
Before you come for me, yes, we absolutely still have goals for our kids. We do model the skills, we do scaffold, we do support. We do all that. As our kids mature, we do tend to see all their skills develop- the support they need from us is going to change.
We just do it with empathy. We appreciate the times that they are able to Do The Things, and we don’t presume misbehaviour or noncompliance when they can’t. We meet them where they are at. We support them. And make sure they know they are not alone or a disappointment to their adults.
Does that make sense?
Words are feeling hard right now.
Em