Couples Fight School

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This page was developed by Carlos Todd, PhD and Natasha Pemberton-Todd, LCmHCS to provide couples with the skills, knowledge and information to improve communication and effectively utilize and manage conflicts.

10/20/2026

You can understand your relationship cycle perfectly and still get caught in it. Because knowing the pattern and knowing how to break it are two different skills.

In this short, Dana and Marcus can explain “the Spin” by heart. They know the pattern, understand their reactions, and can identify what keeps their arguments going.

But when a familiar trigger shows up, they fall right back into the same cycle.

Why? Because understanding a pattern doesn’t automatically change how you respond in the heat of the moment.

Breaking the cycle takes practice, not just awareness.

With guided, real-time support, you can learn to recognize your triggers, interrupt automatic reactions, and practice healthier responses while the patterns are happening.

You don’t have to keep having the same fight and hoping things will eventually change.

Get guided support through a Ceasefire Method™ Couples Intensive.

DM “CEASEFIRE” to learn more, or visit the link in bio.

MarriageHelp MarriageRestoration StopTheCycle CantStopFighting EmotionalReactivity PursueWithdraw RelationshipHelp ConflictResolution GetUnstuck

You can’t stop a cycle you can’t see. So let’s make yours visible.Behind every repeated fight is often a pattern that ke...
10/19/2026

You can’t stop a cycle you can’t see. So let’s make yours visible.

Behind every repeated fight is often a pattern that keeps pulling you both back into the same conflict. The topic might change, but the cycle stays the same.

To understand it, start with these six parts:

1. The trigger: What happened to set off the conflict? This is the shared starting point.

2. My move: How did I respond? Did I pursue, attack, shut down, or walk away?

3. The story I told myself: What meaning did I attach to what happened? For example, “He doesn’t care about me.”

4. What I felt underneath: Was it fear, hurt, rejection, or loneliness?

5. What I really wanted: Did I need to feel safe, loved, respected, or understood?

6. What I did to get it: How did I try to meet that need, and did my response bring us closer or push us further apart?

Here’s where the real insight happens: fill out the Cycle Map separately, then exchange your answers.

When you begin to understand the fear, hurt, and unmet needs beneath your partner’s reactions, you can start seeing each other differently.

Instead of treating each other as the enemy, you can begin working together to change the cycle.

The goal isn’t to win the next argument. It’s to understand the pattern that’s keeping you stuck.

Want help mapping your relationship cycle together? The Ceasefire Method™ course guides you through the process step by step.

Map your cycle together in the course. Link in bio.

CouplesTherapy ConflictResolution Attachment NegativeCycle CouplesCommunication

10/16/2026

Walking away or leaving the room won’t help if you’re just sitting in another room replaying the argument and keeping your stress levels high!

Give your body the time it needs to reset before you try to talk, text, or make a decision.

How long does it usually take for you to cool down after a disagreement? Let us know in the comments!

Before we talk about calming a high-conflict relationship, we need to understand one important distinction: high conflic...
10/15/2026

Before we talk about calming a high-conflict relationship, we need to understand one important distinction: high conflict and abuse are not the same thing, and they require very different kinds of help.

In a high-conflict relationship, both partners may contribute to escalating arguments, and both may feel unheard or misunderstood.

Abuse is different. It involves a pattern of power and control that can include fear, intimidation, monitoring, and isolation. It is not simply a communication problem, and couples exercises may be unsafe or inappropriate in abusive relationships.

So, take a moment to ask yourself:

Are you ever afraid of your partner? Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells? Are you being controlled, monitored, or isolated from the people you love?

If any of this sounds familiar, please hear this: you are not to blame, and you deserve support that prioritizes your safety. You do not have to navigate this alone.

If you need help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support 24/7.

Call: 1-800-799-7233
Text: START to 88788

Your safety matters. Always.

EmotionalAbuseAwareness YouAreNotAlone CoerciveControl SafetyFirst RelationshipEducation

10/14/2026

You can’t stop a cycle you can’t see.

In this short, Dana and Marcus map out “the Spin,” the six parts that keep a repeated fight going: the shared trigger, plus each partner’s move, story, feeling, want, and reaction.

When they exchange their sheets, they begin to see something deeper. Behind each other’s reactions are often feelings of fear, hurt, or shame that may not be obvious during an argument.

Suddenly, the problem isn’t just each other. It’s the cycle they’ve been stuck in.

When you understand the pattern, you can start changing it.

Learn to map your own relationship cycle in the Ceasefire Method™ course.

Link in bio.

NegativeCycle Attachment MarriageHelp EFT ConflictResolution EmotionalConnection MarriageRestoration CouplesCommunication MarriedLife Understanding

How do you stop a fight before it explodes without walking away from the relationship? You call a ceasefire. Here’s why ...
10/10/2026

How do you stop a fight before it explodes without walking away from the relationship? You call a ceasefire.

Here’s why it works: when you’re emotionally flooded, your heart races, your chest tightens, and it becomes harder to think clearly or listen to your partner. Trying to force a conversation in that moment can make things worse.

Instead, agree on a signal you can both use before the next argument:

“I’m flooded. I need a ceasefire.”

Then, follow two important rules:

- Take at least 20 minutes. Give your body time to calm down before continuing the conversation.

- Promise to come back. A pause without a return can feel like abandonment. A pause with a clear promise to reconnect creates space for a healthier conversation.

And what should you do during those 20 minutes? Focus on calming yourself down, not rehearsing your next argument or planning your comeback.

Remember, the goal isn’t to avoid the conversation. It’s to return to it in a better state of mind.

Save this for the next time a disagreement starts getting heated.

Want to practice until calling a ceasefire becomes second nature for both of you? The course helps you put this skill into practice using the Ceasefire Card.

Practice the Ceasefire Card in the course. Link in bio.

ConflictResolution CouplesCommunication EmotionalRegulation

If it feels like you keep having the same fight in a hundred different outfits, you’re not imagining it.High-conflict co...
10/07/2026

If it feels like you keep having the same fight in a hundred different outfits, you’re not imagining it.

High-conflict couples often aren’t dealing with a hundred separate problems. They’re caught in one cycle that keeps repeating.

One person reacts.
The other counterreacts.
The tension builds.
And before you know it, you’re right back where you started.

The topic changes. The pattern doesn’t.

Here’s the freeing part: you’re not broken, and you’re not necessarily incompatible. You may simply be stuck in a cycle that moves faster than either of you can stop.

And you can’t always argue your way out of a cycle.

You have to interrupt it first.

That’s the idea behind a ceasefire: stop the fire before you try to fix the problem.

It’s the first of five stages in the CEASE FIRE method.

CEASE FIRE: The High-Conflict Couples Workbook gives you the complete system behind this work, so you can learn how to recognize the cycle, interrupt it, and begin changing what happens next.

Link in bio.

MarriageOnTheBrink ConflictResolution MarriageRestoration

A quick “sorry” isn’t always an apology. Sometimes it really means, “Can we please stop talking about this?”A rushed apo...
10/02/2026

A quick “sorry” isn’t always an apology. Sometimes it really means, “Can we please stop talking about this?”

A rushed apology might end your discomfort, but it doesn’t necessarily address your spouse’s hurt.

Real repair goes deeper. It does two things a quick apology often skips:

1️⃣ Name the impact.
“I dismissed you, and I can see how that made you feel small and unheard.”

2️⃣ Answer: “What will be different?”
Because trust isn’t rebuilt by remorse alone. It’s rebuilt when your behavior starts to change.

Scripture reminds us:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other.” — Ephesians 4:32

Forgiveness matters, but healthy repair also requires accountability, understanding, and changed behavior.

The full repair sequence is explained in The F.I.G.H.T. Plan. If you want to learn how to move beyond “I’m sorry” and actually repair the damage after conflict, the full chapter is in the book.

Link in bio.

MarriageHealing FaithAndMarriage ChristianCouples HealthyMarriage RelationshipRepair

09/30/2026

Four behaviors can reveal when a relationship is heading into dangerous conflict patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

In this short, you’ll see all four Horsemen show up in a single high-conflict fight and learn why contempt is considered the most damaging of the four.

But there’s good news: each Horseman has an antidote.

The goal isn’t to never have conflict. It’s to recognize unhealthy patterns early and learn what to do differently when they show up.

The Horseman Tracker and practical antidotes are included in CEASE FIRE.

Learn how to recognize the patterns and start changing the way you handle conflict.

Link in bio.

Gottman MarriageHelp Criticism Stonewalling Defensiveness MarriageRestoration CouplesTherapy ConflictResolution SignsOfDivorce MarriedLife

When kindness becomes a transaction, love starts to feel like a ledger.“I did the dishes, so you owe me.”“I always do mo...
09/28/2026

When kindness becomes a transaction, love starts to feel like a ledger.

“I did the dishes, so you owe me.”

“I always do more than you.”

“I did this for you, so why haven’t you done that for me?”

Before you know it, you’re keeping score of who gave more, who sacrificed more, and who has more reasons to be upset.

Here’s the trap: scorekeeping creates resentment, and resentment keeps the relationship stuck.

Scripture reminds us:

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.” — 1 Corinthians 13:5

Grace means choosing to stop keeping an invisible ledger of everything your spouse has done wrong or everything you’ve done for them.

But when you’ve been keeping score for years, putting the ledger down isn’t always easy to do on your own.

Ready to put the scorecard down?
DM “INTENSIVE” to learn more about the Couples Intensive, or use the link in bio.

FaithAndMarriage TheFIGHTPlan GraceFilledMarriage HealthyMarriage MarriageGrowth

Address

10130 Mallard Creek Road
Charlotte, NC
28262

Opening Hours

Monday 8am - 8pm
Tuesday 9am - 5pm
Wednesday 9am - 5pm
Thursday 9am - 5pm
Friday 9am - 5pm

Telephone

+17048040841

Website

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