Tanja Jarvis Consulting

Offering hope, perspective and encouragement to women who are suffering in silence. As a domestic abuse survivor and now Single Parent of two boys, I share my story with purpose. God rescued me, but I had to be willing to run to him. God sustained me in the darkness, but I had to learn to acknowledge the evil. God loves me and delights in me, but I had to learn to accept the value he placed on me. God was present in my suffering, but I had to see past my shame in order to see his compassion.
I felt as if my life were over, but God gave me eyes to see His goodness. As long as I draw breath, I will speak of his love.

Trauma bonding is more common than you'd like to think. It can happen in various forms of relationships, not just romantic ones. This is not codependency!! This is designed by the abuser. Any one can fall into the trap of becoming trauma bonded, awareness is key.

If You've Never Heard of 'Trauma Bonding,' This Explainer Is for You "People often don’t realize they have formed a trauma bond."

Healing from complex trauma is a long process. Learning to live in this space can take a lot of energy and needs steady support and care. ♥️
Be patient with yourself in your healing journey.

Emotional/verbal abuse has a provable link to many physical illnesses and chronic pain. It's never JUST emotional abuse.

This does not just apply to trauma survivors, it applies to our children. A child's perception of suffering will be different from yours, validating how they feel is not agreeing with them, but it's letting them feel seen and heard and loved. It's saying I understand how hard this is, I'd feel sad too, I'm so sorry you are hurting, I can sit with you and hold space for your feelings.
Validation builds connection, connection builds trust, trust builds honesty and vulnerabilty, and this builds beautiful life long relationship.

And the opposite is true as well. Dismissing someone's pain, teasing them, trying to make it go away with forced positivity, comparing it to worse situations, shoving feelings under the rug, telling them to suck it up, praising emotional toughness....these things break connection, leaves the person feeling unseen, unheard and alone, brings an element of feeling emotionally unsafe, creates habits of deceit, secrets and mask wearing, and builds shallow, distrustful relationships or completely breaks relationship in the end.

It costs you nothing to validate someone. It costs them everything to be dismissed.

Have you ever struggled with your inner critic?
Me too.

Ever noticed how quickly you start berrating yourself for even the smallest mistake? Or the slightest flaw in your looks?
Me too.

Ever caught yourself being nasty, unkind, judgmental, disgusted and even cruel to yourself?
Me too.

Ever stop to wonder why? And why is it soooo hard to stop?

Most of us live in constant self criticism and shaming. Sometimes we hide it well by shaming others loudly or putting on fake confidence, hoping no one will notice our insecurities, constantly walking around feeling like we aren't enough. It's a painful place to be.

These thoughts can become even more prevailing and deeply rooted when there has been spiritual abuse or shaming, and I think that must break God's heart.

I have found, that in order for my heart to heal, I must start seeing myself the way God sees me. It's not been easy, the lies are constant and my brain likes to find evidence of these lies being true, BUT slowly, and with great support and help, I am able to chip away at the self loathing and replace it with self compassion and truth.
And when I do that, I am validating how I feel which frees me from feeling stuck.

It's so much easier to move on from a hurtful comment, or a failed attempt at whatever I am trying to do, when I stop, recognize how I feel, validate that it's painful and remind myself of the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. It's not about pretending to not care what people think of me, but rather a realization that my worth and value is never on the table. It is unchangeable. And when that becomes your reality, you become free to love and accept others, have good boundaries AND be kind to yourself.

Maybe a good place to start is simply by looking at your younger self, and speak to her (or him) with the kind of encouragement, gentleness, patience, kindness and love that you would to someone you love.

Maybe if everyone was able to speak kindly to themselves, the world would be a kinder place.

Self hatred breeds hatred towards others. Self compassion breeds compassion towards others. Self acceptance breeds acceptance of others.

So I'm starting with little me, and letting bigger me love wholeheartedly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdIQRxwT1I0

One of my favorite things I have been learning about for the last few years is Nervous system dysregulation, and it's impact on our everyday lives. Knowledge is power, and when we understand what is going on inside of us it gives us an opportunity to grow and heal.
This is one of my favorite short clips on what the nervous system does and why it matters.
Trauma survivors are often misunderstood and looked at as broken, their behavior making no rational sense to others, but I don't believe they are broken, I believe they are living in their dorsal vagal nervous system and are unable to regulate back to their true self (or their Ventral vagal nervous system). Everything is a reaction to perceived danger and their self protection measures might seem counter intuitive but have worked for them in the past so they cling to them, often not seeing any other way to live.
Healing from trauma is possible and getting your nervous system to be flexible and more accurate is a huge step in the right direction. We are not broken. We are wounded. And with the right combination of support, care and guidance we can heal.

Filed under: Really hard to learn. Even harder to do.

Free resources @ linktr.ee/natepost:
-A survivors guide to trauma recovery
-Inner child journaling guide

Also @ link: Registration for HTYY (ends in two weeks)

I’m glad you’re here!💞💞✨✨

Thank you,