11/20/2024
Trigger warning: this is about to get really real…….. and it’s looooong! Jessica Lynn
It’s been so long since I have sat down and just written about my experiences, feelings, and everything else after losing Rob. Early on, it was one of the things that brought me the most comfort; at some level, I was honoring him and continuing to share him. At some point, my capacity for writing diminished, and I became quiet, resolved to put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions of life. I even backed away from theGrief22 because my soul was just too tired. The last year or so was consumed by building a house and moving 200 miles away only to come home 10 months later, job changes, Chris never letting a moment be dull, and he and Aliyah having Adrianna, life was a lot. Normally, I love a lot and am driven by having more on my plate than I should be able to handle, but not this time! Thankfully, Adri has become the light and the most amazing gift we could have ever asked for.
This year was so different for me; for the first time, I experienced feelings other than acceptance around Rob’s death. Four years, it took four years for me to get angry, I don’t know why that is and I don’t really care, but it certainly was a very different experience for me. And when I tell you I had moments of anger, they were moments that I felt like the unhealed version of myself that would have squared up and thrown fists with anyone. Like I had reverted to the younger version of me that could be fueled by rage, I was that level of angry. Four years, to feel so broken that my insides would spill out….
It’s about to get dicey, so proceed with caution….
I am sure I have written this before, but as I stood in the living room awaiting the state police to officially notify us that Rob was indeed gone from our realm four years ago, my sister looked at me and said, “are you ok, you are quiet, you aren’t crying, are you in shock?” My response to that was that I was ok, I knew where Rob was and I knew he was ok, what I didn’t tell her right then and there was that he had made sure I knew how amazing his transition was. At the very moment that I truly understood that Rob had passed, he sent me the most amazing show of pink sparkly lights and a feeling that I will never be able to explain. I assume it to be more euphoric than using drugs…. That occurred for the smallest fraction of a second, and then I clicked immediately back into reality, to what I can only describe as a scene from a Lifetime movie. The moments that followed were filled with screams, cries, and tears, the chaos of phone calls to get the information we needed at that moment.
I had watched this kid know one speed his entire life, as fast as he could fu***ng go, leg thrown over a dirt bike, not afraid to jump the most insane jumps, and I never once worried. He knew what he was capable of and he rarely pushed the limits. I can assure you that I was never the mom who said to turn it down, I was his biggest fan, and I absolutely loved to see him ride, the faster the better, the more fun (within reason….) And there we were, Rob’s first love, speed, had taken his life. And do you know what I am for that? Grateful, how many of us are going to be able to go out of this world doing what we love? Please don’t get that twisted, I want this boy back more than anything in the world, but since it was his time and that is not something I have control over…hell yes, I am thankful for that. For those who do not know, Rob lost control of his car at an overly excessive speed, and after a sequence of mishaps, his car was traveling backward and struck a large tree. With the exception of thinking, how the hell am I going to explain this to Mom bc he knew I would have been furious about his driving, he had no idea what could be coming once his car’s trajectory changed and they were traveling backward. Again, I am thankful for that, for the additional fear he didn’t have to experience, for the suffering that he did not endure, for the quickness of the entire tragedy, that he had already left his body before the impact. I write all this like I know exactly what occurred, in a way I do, there are very few people who know that I have been clairvoyant since I was a teenager and that as I grew older along came all of the clairs. Surprise, I hear and see dead people. This may be the one saving grace for me, I can still see, feel, and talk to Robbie as if he is right here and this kid shows up! Ironically, a couple of weeks before the accident, I was alone, and I had the thought of life being just me and Chris. Now if you know Chris, you know he is hell on wheels and he would be the one who you would suspect would push every limit and end up hurt, yet, it was him that I saw with me and not Rob. I was pi**ed at myself and was like wtf would you ever think like that for. It didn’t occur to me until some time after losing Rob that I had had those thoughts multiple times throughout the boys growing up. I didn’t know what I knew……
The one thing that breaks my heart outside of Robbie being ripped from our lives and the impact on Chris is the experience that Kyleigh lived through that night. My God, she was so young, and she and Rob were forever bonded, the trauma and the aftermath that she endured are inconceivable. In the initial years, my focus was on Chris and Ky, after all, they were just kiddos, trying to process trauma that most adults don’t know how to. I won’t ever really detail any of this from Chris’ point of view bc this is his story to tell, and when he is ready to share it, it will be the most moving thing you have ever heard, I promise. I have seen him speak to rooms of people and there not be a dry eye.
On the days that are significant in our lives, I am always called to sit with it, my grief, to pull that s**t up a seat at the table and hash it out…. his birthday, the day of his accident are always the most prominent. This year has had a lot more days that I have sat with all of my feels, somehow, some way, the calloused layers of my soul were peeled back allowing me the space to have emotions around losing Rob that I hadn’t had before. I believe in feeling all the feels and not denying or burying feelings so it was never that for me, I just never had those feelings until more recently. I was so connected to being grateful that it was me who got to be Rob’s mom and have him for 17 years that the other things just never seeped in. There have been days that my heart has actually hurt because Rob is not right here in front of me to race, get married, be an uncle, a dad, to make me laugh like no one ever has, to just do life with all of us.
Over the years, I have become relentless in pursuing self-care, whether it be in the woods, working out, or bothering my sister with all of my shenanigans, soul therapy, energy work, meditation—I am in for all the stuff that makes me feel good all the time. I am absolutely the person who does not show up to things because I am just not feeling it or the people there. It’s not personal; it’s just me, knowing who I am, what I have the capacity for, what feels good, and what causes me stress or anxiety. I love a good set of high and tight boundaries! This for me has been the go-to, the staple, what feeds my soul and keeps me grounded.
With that being said, can we please not assume we know anything about anyone else’s grief, or that it hasn’t been processed, or that they need to get over it, or that they should be talking to someone, or whatever else…..Rather, see them, ask them what they need and respect what they tell you, hold space them, the space they need, IF they are open to it then get to know their grief, then you’ll have a better idea of how to show up. I know most people say and do the things they think help with the best of intentions, but navigating those situations and conversations is harder than a game of chess, so, how is your game?
Let me share with you a little of something about grief, that s**t changes us, and when it is your child, unless your world has been wrecked by that same loss, you do not get it…you just never will. And we carry that grief and all of its baggage with us for the rest of our lives. I believe that the only time anyone gets a say in how we are handling our grief is if we are putting ourselves or others in danger.
And let me be very candid in saying that just because you think you know someone or what is going on with them does not mean you do. With the exception of my sister, there is not a single person who knows about all of the details that I have written about, why? Because she is the only person I choose to hold that space for me and that is a choice I get to make for me. It just so happens that I am now feeling ready and called to share this piece of the journey as we approach 11/22 𝓙𝓢
