11/09/2022
“I don’t know” is what I kept telling my husband as we went for our nightly walk along the trail we had found by our house. It was a beautiful path that I found to be soothing to my body, mind, and spirit.
He wasn't necessarily asking me anything, but they were the only words I could get out some days when I would try to express how I was feeling.
Sometimes, well, oftentimes, it seemed as though there was a war waging within me. One minute I would think I’m going in a direction and the next I would feel as though a shift takes place and I would get completely disoriented.
Between moving across the state, resigning from a career I had poured nearly 10 years into, and not really knowing what’s next, being home full time with the kids, grieving the loss of friendships that I didn’t realize I’d lose, grieving the mess that is the church right now, and so much more...the only thing I could say in those particular moments was... “I don’t know.”
I essentially was struggling with deep inner chaos.
“I don’t know” may be exactly how I felt...
But it’s the work of going inward, going to the heart of myself, that would help me find the shalom, the peace within the chaos.
It’s something I already knew. I teach this all the time, but when you are so deeply and utterly disoriented, so fragile and grief-stricken, it can be almost impossible to clearly see what is in front of your face, can't it?
That's why it is so important to have people in your life to help guide you and remind you of the importance of soul care, self-care, and relational care.