11/19/2020
Are there days when your child repeatedly tests limits? And is it on things they totally already know there are rules about?
Like, they ask for chips 15 minutes before dinner?
Or, extra iPad time,even though they used up their quota?
Or not to wear their jacket, even though there's fresh snow on the ground.
It feels like they are pushing buttons. Badgering, badgering, badgering...
Those kids are so smart!
Smart you say?
Aboslutely.
When kids have stuff weighing on them, one of the easiest ways to release it is through crying.
But when kids have stuff weighing on them, their thinking doesn't work so simply.
They don't think, "Hmmn...I need a good cry," and cry.
No.
They create these kind of pre-texts.
They push up against known boundaries, because it can get them where they need to go.
So, say they ask for the chips.
You give in. "Just one won't hurt..."
You offer one.
Of course they ask for more.
Not because they are trying to annoy you. Because they didn't get what they actually need.
The chance to work through feelings.
So, if you can, and if you have time to listen to the cry that will, inevitably come, try a calm, gently "No" the minute you realize what's happening.
That is, if you give in to one request, and your child does not go away happy, but returns with more requests, stop what you are doing and give that "No."
Do it with your full kindness, if you can, and your full loving attention.
Recognize the requests as a call for your help.
The limit will often be all they need to let go.
You'll hear a tirade of feelinsg, about the chips, the ipad, and probably a whole load of extra feelings and emotions about things that your child has tucked away.
Just hold that space for them.
When they've let go of what was weighing on them, you'll see a lightness.
The next time they ask for chips or the iPad, chances are it'll be a more "take it or leave it" request that they easily accept when you say no.
Have you seen the difference in your child? Some days they handle your "no's" just fine. Othertimes they spiral into tears?
Now you know that it's not your fault at all.