04/13/2024
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kPgo3lPxSQ
I came across this recording this morning after a really rough time with my son last night. Out neurodivergences clash. He's a black-and-white thinker and a fixer. when I am upset, he tells me how I can resolve my challenges so I am no longer stressed. when I am stressed, he gets stressed. I have worked so hard at emotional self-regulation so that I can be calm for him.
As anyone with ADHD knows, we have a negativity bias and are very aware of what we perceive to be our flaws and mistakes.
When you add RSD- rejection sensitivity dysphoria- that brings a level of personal injury to interactions that are often not at all the intent from the comments from others.
when well regulated, we can pause, take a step back and see this. When something said bumps into an old trauma- and yes we ADHDers have trauma for being criticized and shamed for our ADHD symptoms- things we can't control... well, you have a perfect storm for hurt feelings and our brain wiring makes us have big emotions.
So basically, for me to have a son who is AuDHD (Autism and ADHD) conversations can sometimes be a minefield.
Let's throw in my neuro-typical husband who is level-headed and calm by nature. He gets to live with two people with big emotions who unintentionally push each other's buttons. He is also a peacemaker between us trying to help us see and hear eachothers intenthttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lS2nX4fuzqc
It's painful to be compared to the other parent who does not have these innate challenges and asked why I can't be more like him us see the other's perspective.
When life is calm, I've had enough sleep... I can use the tools I have developed through coaching and therapy to calm my upset, step back, take myself out of the middle, and be the calm parent my son needs.
Circumstances requiring a high level of care in the last few months have thrown "normal" out the window and I can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep.
So I am trying to put on my own oxygen mask right now. Taking time away as best I can so I can remember how to breathe.
I went searching for this song because the first line really sums this up for me.
As a parent of an AuDHD and an ADHDer myself, I have a unique perspective to offer in my parent coaching. I know that this will not last forever and that it will get better again. This too shall pass.
So if you are there with your child or other loved one, know that you and they are doing the best they can. When you find yourself at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. I'll see you there.
I Don't Know How To Love Him is taken from the limited edition DVD package Theology. Recorded in the intimate environs of The Sugar Club.