Conscious Content

Everyone says they want accountability.

Until accountability shows up in their inbox like a hot turd peeking up from ya bucket. 💩 💬

Swipe ➡️
{Whaddaya think... second image a little too real? 😂}

But that's the deal. Accountability rarely feels like what we imagine it would.

It mostly feels s**tty.
{Like you're guilty somehow, bad, a crazy-loon.
With a free-falling stomach, racing heart, lump-in-the-throat kind of feel to go along with it.}

But that doesn't make you wrong.
I REPEAT: The DISCOMFORT DOES NOT MAKE YOU WRONG.
Other people's DISCOMFORT DOES NOT MAKE YOU WRONG.

Now, the internets, the offices, the family systems have all taught me something fascinating:

People love themselves sum' accountability.
{ 🙌 "Woooo! I ♥️ AccountabiliTAY!" }

*screetching record*
They just don’t love being accountable.

B/c EL momento accountability threatens belonging, things start to get... interesting.

So, I'll leave you with this, loves...

What if accountability isn’t uncomfortable because it’s wrong?

What if it’s uncomfortable because IT'S WORKING?

😂 Okaaayyy, be honest with me…

Have you ever mistaken accountability for rejection?

Drop a 💩🪣 in the comments if you’ve been there.

And if this made you laugh, wince, or feel a little too seen, repost ♻️ it plz or send 📩 it to a fellow “accountability enthusiast” near you.

P.S. If you’re into uncomfortable truths, nervous-system plot twists, and the weird places where truth and belonging collide with somatic awareness, come join us in the newsletter. 💌 Linked in comments.

If you’ve ever left a conversation thinking, “Wait… am I the bad guy for bringing it up?” This one's for you, babe. 💋

One of the most mind-f**k experiences in a toxic system is watching the person who named the problem become the problem.

Then watching the conversation itself become more harmful than even the thing being discussed!

I've felt this over and again in:

* families,
* organizations I've worked with (as a consultant + FT),
* in relationships,
* and most recently in a community group in my wee mountain valley town

where a post from a concerned momma sharing nothing more than information about a pe*****le incident with parents in her community became THE PROBLEM ITSELF.

Well, SHE became THE PROBLEM.

The focus turned from informing parents to be watchful in their community to:

"You're victimizing your children!"
"He didn't do anything illegal."
"Crazy pitchforking, gaslighting... leave that man alone!"

Wow. Hold-up a sec… deep breath for all you Mommas out there feeling this like I am. *Rage much?*

I'm here to tell you that ☝️ those responses up there {and they're real, direct quotes from the sitch}
ARE. THE FU***NG. PROBLEM.

THAT UP THAR is HOW WE ARE IN the predicament we are IN RIGHT NOW.
You know, the fact that our country is being fu**ed over by a complex back-room network of pedo*feels and se*ual predat0rs.

Well, those reactions up there keep those back rooms full and the sick system humming right along.

Pi**ed yet?

I am.
My hair is full-on Medusa snakes meets Kali tongue thrusting out muh mouth between LOTS of expletives.

Most people think this is a communication problem {political, social media}.

I don’t.

I think it’s a nervous-system problem.

Because telling the truth costs.

Sometimes that cost is belonging. {Approval. Safety. Love.}

It’s why so many of us stay quiet, soften our message, second-guess ourselves, or abandon ourselves entirely.

If this post activated something in you, don’t just scroll on.

Get curious.
Where have you learned that telling the truth costs your belonging?
That’s the core question I’m exploring in my newsletter right now.

Join us if you’re tired of abandoning yourself to stay connected:
https://koaelder.kit.com/

One of the fastest ways to identify a toxic system:
watch what happens to the person who tells the truth.

Some people think Medusa was the monster in Ovid's myth. {And Perseus the hero.}
{Both are pictured here.}

But the more I revisit the myth, the more I can see that her body was the witness.
And it wasn't quiet about what happened to her.

The toxic system, alive and well since this epic poem was penned 2,000 years ago, merely sent a demigod (part human/part god) to punish her with death after taking everything else away from her. This is how human beings become the carriers for the virus of toxic systems.

First she was blamed and shamed {for being r***d by a God}.
Then dominated by Athena {and turned into a monster, social punishment}.
Othered and exhiled. {social shunning and isolation}
And then pursued for another demigod's hero's journey {a great manipulation on her and Perseus both, making them both carriers of the same virulent system}.

While they gave him everything...
They took everything from her to strip her starkly bare...

except her power.

When truth threatens belonging, our bodies respond {like Medusa's did}.
And our systems respond {by tamping down the messenger who's body tells the message}.

Because some systems would rather punish the messenger than face the truth.

Have you ever watched this happen in your family, at work, or in a community or friend group?

Tell me about it in the comments. Or DM me (if it's really tender).

And follow if you’re interested in the social, relational, and nervous-system cost of telling the truth.

In my body what happened was at first, shock.

Which feels like being frozen by the White Witch of Narnia for a spell.

Followed by a sinking-sick stomach, like I’d been punched there or fallen backwards off a high, cut bank of cliffs overlooking the Meramec River where I grew up in the Ozark highlands.

Unsafe.

That tricky feeling that makes your heart audibly BA-DOOM in and out of your chest when you are led to believe you’re in a safe space that turns out to be a lie.

Then, protective.

Of the mother who’d shared a community post in an effort to inform other families and their children. And of the 2 fathers, who had also protected 4 other children by quickly and calmly handling the situation with the perpetrator and then communicating to all the parents impacted on next steps, including me.

Shamed. Blamed. Misunderstood.

Defensive. Then full-on Kali-level, snake-haired Medusa rage.

Which brings me here today.

I needed to unbury an ancient question at the core of who we are and our human experience here (with you).

Join Part 1 of my 5-Part series on the social costs of truth-telling. Linked in bio.

Telling the truth has a nervous system cost.

But your silence has a cost, too.

Which would you figure is more expensive? Heavier? Lasts longest?
Can completely reshape your body, your beliefs, and your behaviors over years and decades?

This very dichotomy has literally shaped women's bodies, minds, and hearts for centuries. At least 30 of them captured in writing and myth (by... *gasps sarcastically* a white man.)

Abandoning yourself costs you dearly too.

And some of us have been paying both costs for years.

I'm writing about this right now.
Part 1 of a 5-part series on the social cost of telling the truth.

Read Part 1 and join the conversation this week: https://koaelder.kit.com/

LESSON I learned early in my household growing up? There's nothing I hate more than a liar.

When what they say on the kitschy post on their virtual wall, the rearview mirror air freshener or the fridge magnet is:

"Good vibes only."

What they’re really TELLing you is:

"I can't tolerate accountability, discomfort, complexity, or conflict.
So, DON'T MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE!"

Be nice.
Don't challenge me.

THEM: {their lack of presence says it all}
"I'm a 👉 comfort-over-truth kinda guy..."

*whistles to themselves* "I'm just over here... {avoiding TF outta my life and toxic-positivity-shaming YOU when you show up as your real self or give me ANY INPUT on my IMPACT}."

ME: {embodying my inner Arnold Jackson and puffing up my tiny chest}
"Uhhhhmmm... not today, Willis.

What'chu talkin' 'bout, AIN'T WHAT'CHU MEAN, Willis!

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!

And I'm warning you... you say what'chu don' mean ONE MORE TIME'n I'll...

I'll smash you into the carpet AN' turn you into a greasy spot!"

When what you SAY and what you MEAN aren't the same thing, Willis, YOU are not to be trusted with my time, my attention, my energy, or my care.

Saying the right thing still feeling wrong? It's not you, my dear one.

It's the system.

It has looong valued the comfort of few over the truth of many.

Because belonging is a hell of a drug. (that doesn't need to be sold to you.)

And telling the truth has always come with a social cost, a nervous system cost. (this is how it's pushed.)

Especially for women.
Especially for mothers.
For our children.
For anyone taught that being loved meant staying digestible.

But silence has a cost, too.

Abandoning yourself costs you too.

And you're paying double everyday.

I'm writing about this right now.
Part 1 of a 5-part series on the social cost of telling the truth.

Subscribe to join me in the conversation this week: https://koaelder.kit.com/