Rachel Henderson: Relational Wellness Coach

Hello beauties 💜 a little update on this page…

Recently I have been incredibly busy with coaching clients (🥳) and have simultaneously realized that I don’t really LOVE posting on here. So I kind of stopped.

After some reflecting, I’ve discovered that what I really want is to be more honest in my writing. To take more risks, tell more truths.

For anyone still following this page, I thank you. In the spirit of full disclosure, things are going to change. I’m going to be a lot more honest in my blogs and, if you’re not into that, I totally understand.

If you want to hang around, I can’t promise that you will learn anything but I CAN promise that you might feel less alone.

Personally, that’s my favorite way to feel.

Talk soon. 💋

We've finally arrived at #1 of the TOP 10 CLIENT ISSUES I see in coaching sessions:

Inability to "turn your brain off"

It drives people crazy. And, in some form or another, I've hear about this from every single coaching client I've ever worked with. Here's how it manifests:

- Replaying or ruminating over past mistakes
- Imagining future worst-case scenarios
- Subconsciously creating "stories" around why someone acted the way they did without really knowing the facts
- Problem-solving fixation
- Over-planning
- Inability to actually be where you are because your mind is somewhere else

I could go on.

It's really important to note that it's actually good to realize that your mind is creating chaos for you because the alternative is to mistakenly believe that your life is chaotic. The good news and the bad news is that it's usually just your brain.

Why do brains do this? Because that's what they're meant to do. They solve problems. And when there aren't any problems to solve, they will often create them.

Your job is to start paying attention to what's going on inside of your head. This is called mindful awareness. And if you do it with enough diligence, you'll eventually reach a point where you can catch yourself creating suffering for yourself in the moment. And then you can choose something different.

So try it out. Just start paying attention. Without judgment, and without trying to force anything to happen. Just look and see what's already there. And then wait…and see what happens.

#2 of the TOP 10 COACHING CLIENT ISSUES:

Confidence

In some form or another, I’ve noticed that most people’s hang ups come down to confidence. Here are some of the things I tend to hear:

✔️I have a hard time trusting myself to make decisions
✔️I worry I’ll look stupid if I speak up in a group
✔️I spend a lot of time thinking about the way I look
✔️ I’m afraid I’m going to fail at this new/challenging thing
✔️ I don’t feel confident speaking up even if someone takes advantage of me or treats me poorly

In all of these situations, the assumption is that there exists a “right” way of being in the world and that you’re ultimately missing the mark. But what if there was no right way? What if there was only living by your values?

That’s one thing to consider.

Another thing to consider is that maybe confidence doesn’t even come from improving the way you view yourself. Maybe it simply comes from shifting the focus from *you* to the whole world that exists *outside of you.*

Some of my biggest client breakthroughs around confidence have been the simple realization that you don’t have to think about yourself so much.

If you’re willing, give it a try. See what happens.

#3 of the TOP 10 ISSUES I SEE IN CLIENT SESSIONS:

Resisting the "bad" emotions

If I had a nickel for every time a client said "I just want to feel happy all the time" I'd probably have at least 5 bucks.

It makes sense to not want to feel painful emotions. The ones we've identified as "bad": Sadness, Anger, Guilt, Disappointment, Rage, Envy

But it just doesn't work that way. Emotions are a natural, physical response to our experience AND our thoughts about our experience. We can't make them go away. Pushing down emotions is like pushing an inflatable beach ball down under water. The second you stop resisting, it's going to pop back up in your face. Not to mention, it takes a lot of energy to hold it down.

So what to do instead? Learn new ways to experience emotions instead of fighting them. Try pausing, taking a step back and investigating your experience. What does guilt FEEL like in your body? What THOUGHTS pop up when experiencing envy? What behavioral URGES are associated with anger?

Instead of running from your emotions, try experiencing them. They won't last forever and they'll actually move through you quicker if you stop pushing them away.

#4 of the TOP 10 ISSUES I SEE IN CLIENT SESSIONS:

Basing your worth on how much you get done in a day.

First of all, you aren't alone. So many clients come to sessions saying they want to be more "productive," feel more "energized," and get through more of their "to-do list" because they don't feel that they're doing enough.

The thing they don't realize is that MOST PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY. Most people feel they aren't doing "enough" (even if they project the image that they are "doing it all" on social media.) And so the question is - if none of us feel that we're doing enough, isn't it time to redefine what "enough" really means?

That's the approach I take in my coaching sessions because the reality is this - you have the amount of energy that you have and when you're tired, it means you need a break. Not that you need to work harder.

Also, do you really WANT to be doing everything you're doing? Is there an opportunity to delegate (or eliminate)? Where are the "should's" creeping into your to-do list? What are some things that FEEL important but actually aren't? And, most importantly, how do you want to feel throughout your day?

You are not your level of productivity. And most other people aren't as productive as you think they are.

We're onto #5 of the TOP ISSUES I SEE IN CLIENT SESSIONS:

Taking on emotions that aren't yours.

Do you struggle with this? So many people have identified this as an issue in recent years that the term "empath" has been created to describe someone who easily or unintentionally takes on the emotions of others.

Some examples include feeling overly concerned about someone else's mood, going out of your way and feeling responsible for ensuring that everyone is "having a good time," or feeling similar emotions to those around you even though the feeling doesn't match your actual experience.

What do we do about this? The first step is recognizing that it's an issue for you and that the emotions you're feeling are truly not yours. From there, consider what you are actually responsible for and what you are not. Consider what you have control over and what you don't. You can even visualize a protective white light (or bubble, etc.) that protects you from absorbing other's emotions.

What it comes down to: Recognizing that you are separate from others and that you are not responsible for their feelings or experiences.

We're picking back up with the countdown of top client issues I see in coaching sessions and today we're on #6:

Needing to set boundaries and make requests of others while dealing with a massive people-pleasing habit.

The two just aren't compatible!

If you've ever (or frequently) experienced the desire to make everyone else in life happy (above and beyond yourself), then you might relate to the term "people-pleaser." And you might also know that it makes things like setting boundaries, asking for what you need, and having difficult conversations seem extra challenging.

How do we work through this? Primarily, by breaking down the desire to people-please. What are the beliefs underlying this desire? What do you feel responsible for that you aren't truly responsible for? What's inside of your control and what's not?

Also, people-pleasing tends to go hand and hand with imagining the "worst case scenario" in relationships. For instance, what do you think will happen if you ask for what you want? Do you believe the other person will get angry at you? Think poorly of you? Maybe they will (ultimately it's not in your control) but also maybe they won't. Make room for the possibility that things won't go as bad as you're imagining and see what happens.

I'll be finishing the rest of the top issues I see in coaching sessions when I'm back from my HONEYMOON! Much love!

The countdown continues for the most common issues I see in coaching sessions and today we're at #7:

**Having a hard time controlling the way you speak to people when emotions are running high…and then feeling massively guilty about it once you've calmed down.**

I hear about this constantly.

"I snapped at my kids this morning and now I'm feeling awful about it."

"I yelled at my husband over something small again. Why do I keep doing this?"

First of all, you can cut yourself some slack because research shows that the logical, level-headed part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) shuts down when you're smack dab in the middle of feeling intense emotions. This means that it's exceptionally difficult to "play nice" when you're pi**ed off.

So what do we do about it? First things first, it's important to get clear on your values BEFORE you find yourself in this situation. What kind of person do you want to be to your children? Your partner? Your friends and family? Identify the qualities you want to strive for and plan for how you might respond differently next time.

Secondly, I love introducing my clients to the "sacred pause." Since it's hard for us to be our best selves when we're angry or upset, it helps to literally remove yourself from the situation when possible. Take a few moments to yourself to breathe and calm down and come back once the bulk of the emotion has passed.

#8 of the most common issues I see in coaching sessions is...

Feeling like you should be further along in life than you are.

I think we all know where a big percentage of this feeling comes from. Let's say it together: SOCIAL MEDIA.

But it's not just people comparing themselves to what they see online. It's also people comparing themselves to what and where THEY thought they would be by now. Or what and where their PARENTS thought they would be by now (ouch). And then feeling major disappointment that they've landed somewhere else.

NOT engaged. NOT married. NOT further up in the company. NOT with a family or the house of their dreams.

How do they work through this? They experiment with dropping the story that their lives should be different than they are. They realize that they're actually in a way ruining their lives by wishing they were different. And they start getting some perspective around and gratitude for where they actually are. Oh, and they sometimes stop getting on Instagram so much.

The most common issue I see in coaching sessions #9:

**Relying heavily on external validation to boost confidence and inform decision-making.**

TONS of clients bring this issue to our sessions.

They usually say something like "I have a hard time trusting myself to make decisions" or "I'm never really sure what the 'right' answer is so I end up asking all my friends and family."

Typically, after getting all the opinions they ask for, they feel more confused than they did to start with. But more troubling is the sense that they're lacking some sort of connection with what they really want and value in life.

THIS IS NORMAL. This is also painful and challenging.

How do we work through this? By getting in touch with their values and their desires. By considering what they would do if no one else had an opinion on the matter. By sitting with the discomfort of not knowing the "right" answer. And by considering that there might not actually be a right answer.

Have you struggled with this particular issue? How have you made progress? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!