Watsamatta U.

Watsamatta U. A place to learn stuff that you will know later because you learned it. When you are here you are here. When you leave you are here no more.

Hello, you big beautiful world! Watsamatta U is preparing to return. After years and years of planning, piles of paperwo...
07/28/2025

Hello, you big beautiful world! Watsamatta U is preparing to return. After years and years of planning, piles of paperwork, long moonlit walks along the beach, days of solitude and longing, fractious business meetings, arguments with the neighbors and 3 martini lunches, we have secured the funding and will begin construction on the new site (we can't reveal the location yet because of the graffiti artists, copper thieves and angry protestors who would inevitably descend upon us) and the long arduous process of locating and rehiring old staff members and finding new people who fit the Watsamatta mold. Watch this space for progress reports. University President Richard Guy is on his private jet as this is written, on his way back to supervise construction and say "Do this. Do that" to anyone who'll listen. Watsamatta who?? Watsamatta U!!

07/05/2020

Well, Folks, it's the 4th of of July - our great nation's birthday! While our President is trying to burn down Mt. Rushmore (along with the rest of the country) those of us who aren't among the lucky 7500 Covid-spreaders who are there to bear witness stay home and wait for something not bad to happen. The campus remains shut down, so there's no wild parties going on in the student bar or the science wing (named after Dr. Science Wing, one of our graduates who managed to stay out of jail long enough to earn a Doctorate and now practices in Kneecap, Nebraska. Not sure what he does but we do know and trust that if he keeps practicing he'll get it right eventually. He also wrote a book called "No Pants Romance").

So while peaceful protesters get the crap kicked out of them for exercising their constitutional rights, state Capitols are stormed by fat, goatee'd white men dressed and armed like Rambo because their constitutional right to spread disease is being taken away by a leftist communist socialist cabal and the federal government acts like there is no federal government, let's take a moment to wish our country a happy birthday because it's looking more and more like this could be the last one.

Take care, all of you. And PLEASE WEAR A FU***NG MASK. What's WRONG with you? Practice social distancing. Why is that so hard to understand. YOU COULD DIE. Nobody is trying to take away your rights. If you want to stand outside government buildings and chant "USA USA" go ahead. But do it through a mask.

Love and kisses from your leftist co**ie socialist friends at Watsamatta U.

06/23/2020

Watsamatta U. remains shut down due to the nasty virus that's devastating our country. Please, everybody continue (or begin, you idiots) practicing social distancing and for chissakes wear a mask! This is no joke. Our staff remains at home (everyone will be on paid leave as long as the money holds out), sheltering in place, only going out when they CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! ARGH!!! Oh..sorry about that. We have advised our students to go home and sponge off of their parents.

But, seriously folks, protect yourself. This is not over by a long shot. Nobody's trying to take away your freedom. This virus is a threat to your life, The feds could be doing a little more to help besides sending in the national guard to beat the crap out of us, but until that happens let's all do our best to work together and stay safe!

Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U!

03/22/2020

Watsamatta U. has shut down and kicked everyone out until this virus thing has blown over. The fact that we've been shut down for a couple of years already doesn't figure into this.

In case you're wondering, we've been fighting a lawsuit over an issue with a former student, Clyde Snide, who is claiming that he didn't learn anything useful at W.U. Our defense has been that 'useful' is a relative term. Mr. Snide earned a master's degree in Bucket Measurement, but rather than pursue a career in this promising field, he decided to try to squeeze money out of his alma mater. If he should win this suit we'll kneecap him.

Our attorneys (the firm Duzzy Rookem and Howe) have advised us not to say anything more about this.

Everyone stay well and stay safe. We'll be back. The world will shake this off and get back to things.

And stop hoarding!. The reason for the shortages of paper products is you and your stupid hoarding. Buy a bidet or just let it slide.

01/10/2019

Happy New Year from all of us at Watsamatta U,! We'll be resuming classes soon although we don't know exactly when (because that's how we roll). Staff and students are finding their way back from whatever and wherever. Let's hope 2019 is a better year than some others we've been through.

12/25/2018

MERRY XMAS from staff, students and drug dealers here at America's premier institution of higher learning. Merry Xmas from Watsamatta U, too!

12/24/2018

As the new year approaches, W.U. would like to announce the following staff changes:

Our new football coach and highest-paid faculty member will be ex-NFL quarterback "Blind" Willie McFlinch. Although he only played one quarter of a pro game with his team, The Little Rock Crybabies, it remains one of the most poorly-executed and cringe-worthy performances on a football field for any reason. Rather than go into painful detail, let's say that Mr. McFlinch's performance lost the game for the struggling team, ended any chance of entering the ridiculously complicated playoff system, robbed the crime-ridden and scandal-plagued city of any chance at civic pride, resulted in the suicides of 2 officials, 3 players ( 1 of whom was on the opposing team, the Boise Knick-Knacks), caused the newly built stadium to burn down from "dangerously under equipped coal-fired sewage system" and somehow resulted in the astounding sweep of the House and Senate by the Peace and Freedom party.

So please join us in welcoming Coach McFlinch to the W.U. family!

New African-American studies department head La'Quann Utumo Bolobassa Zulu-Tutu's latest book, the George Harrison biography "While My Sitar Sullenly Snivels" sold not one copy, so in order to pay back his publisher Vanity Dreams Book Printers, he had to take this job. Famous for thinking on his feet, shooting from the hip and making things up on the spot (like, say, his name), Mr. Zulu-Tutu will most likely stray too far from the lesson plan and get fired. He hopes to hang on long enough to qualify for unemployment assistance. Barring that, he plans to hurl himself from a second-story window and, if he survives, sue the school for enough money to buy a new car.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Zulu-Tutu!

And last but not least, Watsamatta U. has a new head of security. Ex-Navy Seal Sniper / Frogman/ Demolition / Special Assignment / Black Ops guy, Staff Sgt Bull "The Exaggerator" Schitt promises to bring a new military precision to the security staff. "You people who double-park or misuse handicap and yellow zones aren't gonna know what hitcha", he says before executing a few swift ninja moves that suggest a drunk, blind and near-deaf Steven Segal hobbling down a hospital corridor after prostate surgery. He promises that the security team, currently consisting of 4 75-year-old ex-cops who drive around in Kushmans, urinate frequently and have to drink "medicinal" vodka several times a day, will soon be a battle-hardened team of stealth fighters driving new "Destroyer" Kushmans that come with a wet bar and private urinal. The new scooters will be equipped with GPS, back-up cameras with beepers and that James Bond thing that dumps nails out of the tailpipe or wherever. The funds for all of the training and futuristic equipment comes via a grant from the cash-rich but brains-poor Department of Homeland Security, which has somehow decided that our dear Watsamatta U is a potential target (or home...they never made that clear) for especially inept and misguided terrorists.

That's it for now. More staff announcements are in the pipeline - hopefully including at least 3 departures.

12/24/2018

Because of the usual poor scheduling by chief scheduler Sybil "New Fat Drunky" McPhatt who, despite living in her rusty broken down '85 Renault Alliance convertible in the Administration lot, still can't seem to get to work on time, classes will be held until midnight on Christmas Eve. The last scheduled class of the night will be # 3 in the current guest lecture series titled "Lectured" The Guest Lecture Guy will be Professor "Profane" Bill Hiccup, who will be presenting the case for Winston Churchill's suspected hidden agenda for dragging Merry Old England into the horrible but heavily dramatized 2nd War of the World (it seems the Prime Minister- jokingly referred to by his staff as W.C. Field Marshall - was planning to open a string of German-language schools.) Expect the esteemed lecturer's eclectic blend of ribald stories, phlegmatic asides, misrepresented facts and outright fabrications. Professor Hiccup often wears clever disguises to throw the students off and frighten them. One costume - he wore a bloody sheet and carried an axe that was found to be splattered with real human blood - nearly got him arrested. Claiming to be the famous axe murderer Sounheimer "Sheets" Killersteen, Professor Hiccup explained that the blood was that of his own wife, who he claimed have hacked to death that very morning. Then he explained to the shocked constables that his wife, Francine, was alive and well and had left that morning for a walk around the world. Everyone got a good laugh out of that one!

Lecture begins at 7pm in room 24B of the History Building. Don't forget to tip your waitress and, please, try the veal.

11/07/2017

There's apparently another Watsamatta U page that's not this one. This the one. Not the other one, which is not this one.

07/04/2017

The staff here at Watsamatta U would like to take a moment to wish one of our mighty founders, wealthy recluse Earl J. Grinstead, Jr. a happy 64th birthday. Although he's no longer involved in the day-to-day operations of the school, he still come to the campus every day for free food and to walk around telling anyone who'll listen that he is a "mighty founder",

04/06/2017

...and construction continues on the new campus. We are interviewing potential new staff and selecting furniture and colors for the walls. There was a small glitch when our main money guy, who we affectionately call "Legbreaker" spent a bit of time behind bars for some outstanding traffic tickets and suspicion of murder with intent to kill. His lawyer Billy "Bribe 'em" Kowalski, got him off the hook by proving he maybe didn't do the crimes and then broke him out by carving a gun into a bar of soap. When accused of facilitating the escape, Kowalski claimed DNA "Don't Know Anything" and was promptly removed from the suspect list. In other news the lead detective, Lenny "dirty cop" McCrook, won a brand new Tesla automobile in a lottery no one else seemed to know anything about. Presiding judge Clarence "See? We got a black guy" Thomas, when asked about how quickly the prime suspect was freed, simply replied in his simple folksy manner that has made him so popular with uninformed du*****es "I'm hopin' to get me one o' them Teslas too if they still handin' 'em out like candy. And I want some candy, too." Like we say here at Watsamatta U. "It's all good" and "Smile and back away"

01/09/2017

Happy New Year to all from us here at Watsamatta U. As you may know, we had kind of a rough 2016 but apparently so did most of you. So ha ha. Construction continues on our new campus and we expect to be up and running by Valentine's Day! When we round up what's left of our staff we'll be able to sort out who's gonna do what. Until then let's hope for the best and expect the worst. We're putting our new curriculum together and would appreciate input from you, the common folk. The great unwashed. The cannon fodder. The hopeless and helpless. You get the idea. Or maybe you don't. Who cares? We sure don't. We're gonna ignore your suggestions anyway. Now go play. Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

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