Andrew's IELTS English Studies

拿雅思高分想要事半功倍找Andrew老師上課就對了！

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Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (30 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 & 29 of 30

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (30 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 & 29 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 81-word paragraph to 24. 81 words cut to 24. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Approach

1

Why?

2

Result/

Consequence

3

General Example

4

Specific Example

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects.

[19 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why would these skills be useful?

Let’s add ….

The military offers a unique compression of people with diverse backgrounds, in many ways a microcosm of society, with its myriad traps and pitfalls. Involuntary immersion and the resultant forced cohesion cultivates learning of human dynamics – intangible assets which are necessary today,

Two: What is the result of knowing these skills?

Let’s add ….

… , where success in the corporate ladder is determined by interpersonal prowess of the sort best learnt in pressured military environments.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects. The military offers a unique compression of people with diverse backgrounds, in many ways a microcosm of society, with its myriad traps and pitfalls. Involuntary immersion and the resultant forced cohesion cultivates learning of human dynamics – intangible assets which are necessary today, where success in the corporate ladder is determined by interpersonal prowess of the sort best learnt in pressured military environments.

[81 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

to be unique (adj)

a compression (n)

a microcosm (n)

myriad (adj)

a pitfall (n)

to be involuntary (adj)

immersion (n)

cohesion (n)

dynamics (n)

to be intangible (adj)

an asset (n)

the corporate ladder (n)

prowess (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

Well, that’s the end of this 24 part ‘Concision Series’. I hope y ou liked it. Remember, it is important to a higher IELTS mark.

In the next series of posts, we’ll go back (once again) to collocation.

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (30 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 & 29 of 30 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室   Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (30 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 & 29 of 30 In the last post, we reduced a 81-word paragraph to 24. 81 words cut to 24. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence,...

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (29 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 of 30

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (29 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 of 30

Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it. Make it simple and clear, like the above picture. The original paragraph is …

The first reason for compulsory military service is that unemployed people can learn useful skills. By joining the services, citizens are trained for free. Aside from the skills of teamwork and responsibility, some young people have the chance to fly a helicopter, which even helps their careers after they leave the services. In addition, individuals who are uneducated also can become competent when doing a military job, because of developing skills. Consequently, governments can solve the problems of high youth unemployment.

[81 words]

I will cut this to ….

The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects.

[19 words]

Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the first part …

… for compulsory military service ..

… was stated already in the introduction. The second sentence …

By joining the services, citizens are trained for free.

… only adds the word ‘free’, which can be put in the first sentence. The next sentence …

Aside from the skills of teamwork and responsibility, some young people have the chance to fly a helicopter, which even helps their careers after they leave the services.

… gives some information – teamwork and responsibility – which we can add to the first sentence. The ‘helicopter’ example only involves very few people, so it is not good. The next sentence…

In addition, individuals who are uneducated also can become competent when doing a military job, because of developing skills.

… just repeats all the ideas of the first sentence. The final sentence …

Consequently, governments can solve the problems of high youth unemployment.

… gives some new information at the end, which we can add to the first sentence, but I will change it a bit to be more logical, resulting one just one final sentence.

The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects.

[19 words]

81 words cut to 24. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (29 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 of 30 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室   Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (29 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 of 30 Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, an...

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (28 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (28 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’

Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts, leaving the reader trapped in a maze (like the picture above). The reader wants to go somewhere, not in circles. The section of the book concludes by saying ..

These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.

Let’s look at another example.

Try making the following paragraph more concise.

Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.

Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.

Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?

The first reason for compulsory military service is that unemployed people can learn useful skills. By joining the services, citizens are trained for free. Aside from the skills of teamwork and responsibility, some young people have the chance to fly a helicopter, which even helps their careers after they leave the services. In addition, individuals who are uneducated also can become competent when doing a military job, because of developing skills. Consequently, governments can solve the problems of high youth unemployment.

[81 words]

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (28 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’ » 安德魯雅思英文工作室 Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (28 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’ Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which...

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (27 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 & 26 of 30

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (27 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 & 26 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 75-word paragraph to 19. 74 words cut to 19. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Approach

1

Why?

2

Result/

Consequence

3

General Example

4

Specific Example

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

Another reason why people smoke is their dependence on the ni****ne stimulus to temporarily obliviate their worries and pain.

[19 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why do they have worries and pain?

Let’s add ….

Society is horrendously complicated and often harshly competitive – a tangled mesh of obligations, needs, and dimly-envisioned ambitions.

Two: What is the result of this?

Let’s add ….

Some people are less equipped, both psychologically and temperamentally, to handle the consequent pressures.

Three: Let’s keep thinking of results, and a general example.

Let’s add ….

They need their brief interlude with the long languorous wafts of cigarette smoke for relief – perhaps being the only means to marshall the momentum to continue.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

Another reason why people smoke is their dependence on the ni****ne stimulus to temporarily obliviate their worries and pain. Society is horrendously complicated and often harshly competitive – a tangled mesh of obligations, needs, and dimly-envisioned ambitions. Some people are less equipped, both psychologically and temperamentally, to handle the consequent pressures, needing their brief interlude with the long languorous wafts of cigarette smoke for relief – perhaps being their only means to marshall the momentum to continue.

[75 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

a stimulus (n)

to obliviate (v)

to be horrendous (adj)

to be harsh (adj)

to be tangled (adj)

a mesh (n)

to be dim (adj)

to be envisioned (adj)

to be psychological (adj)

temperament (n)

an interlude (n)

to be languorous (adj)

a waft (n)

to marshall (v)

momentum (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress (and the vocabulary and collocation are fantastic! – but, I wrote it, not a student!). Obviously this gives a higher IELTS mark.

So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (27 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 & 26 of 30 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室   Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (27 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 & 26 of 30 In the last post, we reduced a 75-word paragraph to 19. 74 words cut to 19. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence,...

[分享] 雅思安德魯 Andrew 課後心得
作者kannbibi (KaNnBiBi)

看板IELTS

標題

時間Sun Nov 18 23:35:27 2018

「代po文」

第一次到PTT發文，主要是想分享一下雅思補習的心得。

個人由於工作的關係，沒辦法全職準備。除了平日晚間下班後讀書之外，另外請假幾週準

備雅思，2018/06考試成績L:7, R:7, W:6, S:6, O:6.5。

考試準備方面，聽、讀練完劍10-12，上下班會聽6 Minute English；寫作和口說基本上

是看IELTS Simon和一點點慎小疑，口說另外有上italki找老師練習兩堂課。

個人在準備考試方面很習慣以背誦記憶的方式練習英文（可能是台灣教育的成果XD)，但

是經過6月的考試總覺得有個說不出的瓶頸，同時也覺得也許需要加強考試技巧，特別是

聽、讀我個人覺得考試技巧特別重要（閱讀常常看不完）。

因為成績沒達標，荒廢了幾個月後，振作起來開始找補習班想提升實力，偶然在網路上找

到了Andrew，跟師母約了試聽，上了半堂課覺得很符合我的需求，就報名聽說讀寫平日晚

間班（週一～五），期間大約一個半月。

我就直接跳到結果好了，11月初剛考完成績是L:7.5, R:7.5, W:6.5, S:7, O:7。雖然還

是沒達標，但結果是滿意的，畢竟除了補習之外，其實沒怎麼準備（工作爆忙）。

這邊要推Andrew的地方是，他是雅思考官，所以很清楚雅思的遊戲規則，整個課程的設計

很重視評分標準和避免失分。寫作方面特別著重不能背模版，因為考官一眼就看得出來，

而且會給你很差的分數。Andrew全程英文教學對聽力很有幫助；基本上雅思各科的題型（

寫作part 1各種圖都有教）都有涵蓋在他的課程裡，我想這也是爲什麼即使我沒什麼準備

整體成績也有提升了0.5分。

Anyway, 英文實力提升是個人修行，但是瞭解考試、避免失分也是考試中很重要的一環，

0.5分（對我來說）其實差很多。如果對Andrew的課程有興趣，建議大家參考他的pixnet

裡面有很多課程資訊，找師母談談先試聽，如果適合可以嘗試看看。

—

安德魯雅思英文工作室

[分享] 雅思安德魯 Andrew 課後心得 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室 作者kannbibi (KaNnBiBi) 看板IELTS 標題 [分享] 雅思安德魯 Andrew 課後心得 時間Sun Nov 18 23:35:27 2018 「代po文」 第一次到PTT發文，主要是想分享一下雅思補習的心得。 個人由於工作的關係，沒辦法全職準備。除了平日晚間下班後讀書之....

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (26 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 of 30

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (26 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 of 30

Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it. Let’s change it from that messy painting to an elegant one with clear style and content (like the above photo). The original paragraph is …

Another reason why people smoke is that it will make these smokers much more happy. There is a component in ci******es known as ni****ne. The brains of those who are addicted to smoking will be stimulated by this ni****ne to generate a variety of chemical factors which keep them in a good mood. By doing this habit, people can begin to forget about any worries or pain which may be currently occurring in their lives.

[75 words]

I will cut this to ….

Another reason why people smoke is that they need the stimulation from the ni****ne to forget worries and pain.

[19 words]

Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because so many words …

Another reason why people smoke is that it will make these smokers much more happy. There is a component in ci******es known as ni****ne. The brains of those who are addicted to smoking will be stimulated by this ni****ne to generate a variety of chemical factors which keep them in a good mood. By doing this habit, people can begin to forget about any worries or pain which may be currently occurring in their lives.

… add little or no information. I have underlined the words which are new. The rest of the paragraph is just words which repeat or do nothing.

‘Happy’ is similar to ‘stimulated’ which is similar to ‘in a good mood’.

‘Nicotine’ is the same as ‘generate a variety of chemical factors’ [By the way, is this true?]

‘Smoking’ is the same as ‘by doing this habit’.

The first words of these lists are all that we need. Combining the key and meaningful words, we get …

Another reason why people smoke is their dependence on the ni****ne stimulus to temporarily obliviate their worries and pain.

[19 words]

75 words cut to 19. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (26 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 of 30 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室   Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (26 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 of 30 Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, an...

[心得] 一戰雅思7.5，推薦Andrew寫作課
作者aannddy (aaannddy)

看板IELTS

標題

時間Sat Nov 10 20:50:00 2018

幫朋友代PO

今年10/27考試，

O：7.5 L：8.5 /R：8.5 /W：6.5 /S：6

因為是很突然的決定申請明年的研究所後，所以七月才趕緊準備雅思。

覺得準備雅思的四個月，是漫漫長路，摸索的過程也常很不知所措跟沮喪，

發現自己得失心真的很重，一邊上班一邊準備考試真不是普通的累，常常下班後回到家就

想耍廢。一度覺得還是不要考了，一種消極地覺得不考就不用面對考差的成績了，但後來

牙一咬，撐過去，覺得還是值得啦。

所以想在這，跟大家分享一些自己的準備心得，希望能給也在這條路上的大家一點幫助。

By the way，大家考前一定要記得上廁所，我那天不知道是不是太緊張，考到閱讀一半就

好想上廁所，又不想錯失考試時間，一路忍到寫作結束，很痛苦。

背景： 大三時(兩年前)，多益考890分，然後就沒有在什麼碰英文了，

但還是會不時地跟國外朋友聯絡，出社會後也不時需要跟國外合作夥伴聯繫。

用書：

1. 劍橋模擬試題(4-13，但其實前面有點太舊)

2. Andrew雅思寫作課本Task1、Task2

3. Andrew 兩本IELTS Test Practice Book with MP3

4. Essential Words for the IELTS

5. 慎小疑：平行閱讀法

補習：Andrew寫作聽力班(大推)

9月中開始，5週密集課程（4週寫作＋1週聽力），每週一三五晚上3小時，這3小時真是上

好上滿，都是晚上7:00上課，10:15下課。還沒上課前，其實很擔心會不會很累，畢竟六

點下班趕過去就開始上課。殊不知這五週完全成為我最愛的療癒時光。班級不大，而且

Andrew不只很專業還很搞笑，上課也會給我們一些時間去跟旁邊的同學討論各種議題。

【聽力】

聽力應該是四項中，我比較不擔心的。但因為寫模擬試題時，落點都大概在7-7.5左右，

所以最後成績是8.5，我整個要痛哭流涕。

1.劍橋試題

我把模擬試題的聽力當作一種娛樂(相較於其他項)，每天會希望自己至少能聽一回，周末

的話，通常會完成一本。但因為本身是個很沒有耐心的人，所以常常會覺得音檔的講話速

度太慢，讓人很想睡覺，於是最後都會調成1.5倍速度做題目。做完題目，訂正錯誤時，

會再用正常速度聽一遍，如果又聽不懂，就會看原文一邊聽。考前兩週，也重新把

cambridge 10-13回的所有聽力都重聽一遍。考試當天早上，去報到前，也在聽了一回，

讓自己熟悉一下感覺。

2.Andrew聽寫班

九月中開始補聽寫班，雖然以課程安排上，老師到最後一個禮拜才教聽力，我覺得課程上

教的小技巧滿有用的，跟同學一起互動練習也很有趣。

因為整個五週聽寫的課程都是用全英文授課，感覺上有讓我更熟悉整個聽力的模式。同時

，我在考前大概一個月前，就已經寫完劍橋的題目，所以九月底就轉為寫Andrew的考題，

我覺得Andrew的題目相較於劍橋，比較有挑戰性。有時寫完也覺得很挫折，但還是會努力

訂正，把不會的，容易寫錯的單字寫在我的單字本裡。

3.看美劇或英劇

這算是我個人的娛樂，但也可以練習英文聽力。因為準備英文的過程其實很累，所以會不

時想放鬆，但放鬆又可以跟英文擦上邊的，大概就是看美劇或英劇了，我通常讀完書，會

看一集當休閒(然後就把摩登家庭1-8季全看完了)。

【閱讀】

一開始寫模擬考題時，完全想說雅思的閱讀到底在幹嘛，題型種類一大堆。

寫劍橋試題的前幾回，我的落點分數超慘，遇到true/faulse/not given題型就永遠錯一

堆(每次都覺得是在跟我開玩笑嗎)。於是上網研究了一下別人怎麼準備後，買了【慎小疑

的平行閱讀法】，覺得一些技巧滿有用的。從劍橋試題7以後，平均成績落點大概會在

6.5-7左右，因此最後出來8.5，真的很不可思議。

1.寫題目時，要計時

閱讀上，我是規定自己每一週要寫完一本並訂正，每回都要計時60分鐘。因為每回有3篇

，所以也會確認自己會在20分鐘內讀完一篇文章。我覺得練到最後，速度有加快，寫到劍

橋13的時候，我已可以在大概55分完成三篇。正式考試當天，我也大概早了10分鐘寫完，

有滿充足的時間可以檢查。

寫完劍橋後，我就換寫Andrew老師出的題目，如同聽力一樣，真的覺得老師出得很難，每

次做完題目看到自己錯的狀況，我的玻璃心都碎了一遍遍。不過老師除了在題本後面有單

字練習，也有提到一些閱讀小技巧，在焦慮時我就會看看，自我催眠一下。

2.製作自己的單字本

買了Essential Words for the IELTS，他將單字依據種類分為十個主題，也有閱讀可以

練習。我覺得滿有用的，因為裡面的單字真的很常出現，一開始我也真的一直重複錯。

我會把在裡面看到的不會的單字，依據種類(例如：自然、交通)寫在自己的本子上，之後

，我如果在寫試題上又看到，然後我又不會了的話，我就會拿螢光筆標示單字本上的這個

單字。因此，在寫試題時，我會一邊把看到不會的單字寫在文章的空白處，寫完閱讀後會

回來查單字，聽英文發音等，然後再把他們寫進我的單字本。後來也發現，有些單字真的

頻率出現很高!

3.做題技巧

我本身的習慣是先看題目，找出關鍵字後，回去把整篇讀一遍，邊讀的過程中邊圈關鍵字

(如：時間、人名、地名)，然後再依據我對於題目的微薄印象，去開始找文章裡的線索。

但我覺得每個人喜歡的技巧跟習慣不一樣，倒不覺得一定需要改變自己去追尋某個技巧，

反而真的是自己有舒服的做題步調就好。

【寫作】

寫作是我的罩門，最慘的那種。一直很猶豫要不要補習，直到最後發現自己真的一個字都

寫不出來後，研究一下課程後就決定去Andrew的課。

老師有一套他的寫作方法，個人是覺得滿有用的，讓我在考試時知道要怎麼去架構文章。

每堂下課都會有文章要寫(五週共有4篇task2＋5篇task1)，雖然每次都忙著寫作業到很晚

，但這也是訓練自己寫作的方式，一定要嚴格計時，確保自己不會寫不完。我覺得在這上

課的好處，因為人數不多，上課時，會有時間去訂正自己的作文，也有機會和老師討論自

己的寫作。

其實直到考前我都很緊張，考前一個禮拜，我幾乎天天做惡夢，夢到自己寫不完考卷。考

試當天也很緊張，第一題遇到表格比較，第二題則討論認為商業公司參與在運動產業是好

還是壞。覺得自己寫得滿順的但應該就是普通，所以成績出來後，覺得已經滿足了。

可能因為連接著前面的考試，我在考寫作時真的很想很想尿尿，所以我竟然意外地提早10

分鐘寫完，之前練習時反而是都寫不完（但又因為是收卷前10分鐘，所以還是不能出去><

）。

【口說】

口說的部份，是我個人覺得最難準備的，雖然不定時會跟外國朋友視訊，可是自己的單字

量真的很不足夠，本來有想說要不要找朋友幫我練習，但實在是覺得太尷尬了，於是就一

直拖到考前一週，才開始想說來看「雅思哥app」裡面的口說練習題。那一週，我都會在

上下班的通勤時間看題目，然後在心裡默念答案，再聽聽別人的錄音，但老實說比起另外

三項，口說沒有很認真在準備。

當天考完早上的科目後，才赫然覺得，啊！我的口說會不會慘兮兮。但又覺得現在準備也

來不及了，於是就在休息區看著隔壁同學很認真的自言自語(覺得大家真的有夠認真)。

口說報到後，坐在等待區，我覺得等待的那幾分鐘超級漫長，焦慮感直線上升。還好考官

人很好，他基本上完全笑到尾，所以我就沒有這麼緊張了，不過我也是從頭到尾都在亂回

答一些我自己覺得很無釐頭的答案。

還好最後成績以6飛過我的四項個別最低標準。

希望打的這些對大家有一點點幫助，

祝福大家都有好成績，順利達標啊

—

安德魯雅思英文工作室

[心得] 一戰雅思7.5，推薦Andrew寫作課 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室 作者aannddy (aaannddy) 看板IELTS 標題 [心得] 一戰雅思7.5，推薦Andrew寫作課 時間Sat Nov 10 20:50:00 2018 幫朋友代PO 今年10/27考試， O：7.5 L：8.5 /R：8.5 /W：6.5 /S：6 因為是很突然的決定申請明年的研究所後，所以七月才趕緊準備雅思。 覺.....

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (25 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (25 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’

Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don’t want your paragraph to look like the above pciture, do you? Rather than a mess of random and circling thoughts saying the same thing, there must be a definite pattern, right?

Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..

These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.

Let’s look at another example.

Try making the following paragraph more concise.

Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.

Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.

Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?

Another reason why people smoke is that it will make these smokers much more happy. There is a component in ci******es known as ni****ne. The brains of those who are addicted to smoking will be stimulated by this ni****ne to generate a variety of chemical factors which keep them in a good mood. By doing this habit, people can begin to forget about any worries or pain which may be currently occurring in their lives.

[75 words]

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (25 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’ » 安德魯雅思英文工作室 Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (25 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’ Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don't want your paragraph to look like the above pciture, do you? Rather than a...

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (24 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 & 23 of 30

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (24 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 & 23 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 67-word paragraph to 22. 67 words cut to 22! Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Approach

1

Why?

2

Result/

Consequence

3

General Example

4

Specific Example

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again. The second sentence is an example, so that should come later in the paragraph, so just look at the first sentence.

Space missions can help scientists detect approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. Such an event caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

[23 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why would space mission do this?

Let’s add ….

With advances into space, telescopes there can better scan the celestial surroundings, giving earlier forewarning, which can allow space-faring nations to attempt to prevent a strike.

Two: What is the result of this?

Let’s add ….

Conceivably then, a disaster of apocalyptal proportions can be avoided, justifying the advances into this challenging environment.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

Space missions can help scientists detect approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. With advances into space, telescopes there can better scan the celestial surroundings, giving earlier forewarning, which can allow space-faring nations to attempt to prevent the same series of event which saw the extinction of the dinosaurs. Conceivably then, a disaster of apocalyptal proportions can be avoided, certainly justifying the advances into this challenging environment.

[67 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

to scan (v)

celestial (adj)

–faring (adj)

an apocalypse (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (24 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 & 23 of 30 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室   Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (24 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 & 23 of 30 In the last post, we reduced a 67-word paragraph to 22. 67 words cut to 22! Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence...

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (23 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 of 30

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (23 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 of 30

Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it. Let’s make the pattern much simpler and easier to understand, like the above picture. The original paragraph is …

Space missions can help scientists find any approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. We cannot imagine what a lethal disaster would be caused when an asteroid hit the crowded city. Maybe the dinosaur extinction sixty-five millions years ago can be a good example. The dinosaurs were made extinct by a tremendous blast and the greenhouse effect which was due to a comet crashing into the earth.

[67 words]

I will cut this to ….

Space missions can help scientists detect approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. Such an event caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

[22 words]

Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the middle part …

We cannot imagine what a lethal disaster would be caused when an asteroid hit the crowded city. Maybe the dinosaur extinction sixty-five millions years ago can be a good example. The dinosaurs were made extinct by a tremendous blast and the greenhouse effect which was due to a comet crashing into the earth.

… follows the classic middle of just circling around ‘asteroid crashing’. The sentence …

We cannot imagine what a lethal disaster would be caused when an asteroid hit the crowded city.

… doesn’t means much, or go anywhere, and ….

Maybe the dinosaur extinction sixty-five millions years ago can be a good example.

… is using too many words to introduce an example. The sentence …

The dinosaurs were made extinct by a tremendous blast and the greenhouse effect which was due to a comet crashing into the earth.

… repeats ‘dinosaurs’ and ‘commet crashing into the earth’, and give unnecessary detail, so all we have left from the paragraph is …

Space missions can help scientists detect approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. Such an event caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

[22 words]

67 words cut to 22. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.

By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .

安德魯雅思英文工作室

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (23 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 of 30 » 安德魯雅思英文工作室     Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (23 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 of 30 Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post,...