Children 1st Montessori Academy Ltd

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Calm Parents Are Better Able to Help Children Handle Frustration

What is your response when your child is frustrated? Does your child’s frustration lead to your own frustration? Let’s say you’re in a hurry to get out the door to go somewhere and your child is having trouble getting ready, or they’re just not ready to go. How are you feeling? Are you becoming emotionally upset? How might you react to your child continuing to say, “I just can’t get this?” after you have spent 20 minutes trying to help her with a set of math problems? A new research study sheds some light on how the emotional state of a parent affects the emotional welfare of a child.

A research team in the department of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, conducted an experimental study involving school-age children and their parent facing a frustrating task together and found that when parents remain calm, they can help a frustrated child self-regulate. The study soon to be published, “Physiological Contagion in Parent-Child Dyads During an Emotional Challenge,” used electrocardiogram (ECG) monitoring of both parent and child to measure their emotional state. Emotional contagion occurs when children unconsciously sense their parents’ emotions.

For the study, each parent/child pair entered a room where the child was given a challenging Lego puzzle to complete, and the parent was instructed to watch but not help their child. During the second part of the session, the pair were told they had five extra minutes to complete the puzzle, and the parent could help. The ECG data indicated the parent’s emotional state influenced the child’s emotional regulation but that the child’s emotional state did not affect the parent.

While this is a novel approach to looking at this aspect of the parent-child relationship and further studies will need to be conducted to verify and further understand this phenomenon, it’s useful to see how the functioning of the parent’s nervous system can connect with a child’s nervous system. This is sometimes referred to as attunement or co-regulation. The parent’s connecting with the child in the second phase helped their child to emotionally regulate, or to “calm down.”

From day one, how you as a parent respond to your child when they’re upset will shape their ability to self-regulate. If a parent tells a child who is crying to “stop crying,” “get over it,” or “it’s no big deal,” the child is likely to remain upset. Yelling at a child or telling him to go to his room until he calms down does nothing to help him learn to self-regulate or “control” his emotions and usually leads to repetition and even an escalation of over-reacting to frustrating circumstances.

Picking up a baby when their crying will lead to the baby to stop crying when she sees or hears her parent. Hugging and sharing empathy with a toddler and providing reassurance when they’re upset helps them to calm down. With older children, you can then encourage them to use words to express their feelings. When parents repeatedly ignore or respond negatively or punitively to a child when they’re emotionally upset, as the child develops, he or she will likely over-react to frustrating situations more frequently and more intensely.

When you’re confronted by a crying baby or an upset child, the first thing is for you to regroup and remain calm. Taking a few deep breaths helps most people. When you can respond calmly or neutrally, you will help your child because they’re unconsciously picking up on your calmness, which in turn will cause their nervous system to calm down. Your baby will feel secure. You will then use the moment to help an older child learn skills such as deep breathing, reframing (looking at the situation in a more positive light) as well as using words to convey their thoughts and feelings.A parent may assume their child is choosing to cry, yell or stomp their feet rather than use words. What is more likely the case is the child hasn’t developed an adequate emotional vocabulary. A meltdown may be the perfect time to teach your child appropriate ways to state how they’re feeling. Once a child can tell you how they feel and why they’re feeling that way, you can help them learn to problem solve and/or become able to accept some situations even though they’d like them to be different. The more time parents spend helping their child develop coping skills, the less time they’ll spend responding to emotional outbursts.

This will then enable you to help them express their needs to others. It also opens up the opportunity to begin to help your child to attune to the needs of others. Listening to your child does not mean that you’ll give in or grant their every wish, but it does help them to feel accepted and more open to listening to you so you can teach them coping skills including emotional regulation, problem-solving as well as empathy and understanding of others.

Here are a few basic tips:

1. Take a few deep breaths and/or count silently to 10 if you’re feeling upset.

2. Look at your child and pay attention to any emotional cues including body language, tone of voice, and words if they’re using them.

3. Calmly validate their feelings by saying, “I see you’re (angry, mad, upset, disappointed, sad, etc.)”

4. Next, try to understand why they’re upset. If you’re not sure you might say, “Tell me what is making you …?” If they can’t tell you, state your observation by saying, “It looks to me like you are ___ because of ___? I understand how that could ___.

5. With younger children, this may be the time to say, “I’m sorry you are ___” and then redirect by saying, “Oh look at ____. I bet you can ____ with it.”

6. For older children, you may have to be assertive and say, I know that is making you feel ___ but ___ (explain or state the reason their desire is not realistic).

7. In some cases, problem-solving may be an appropriate approach.

8. Taking time to teach basic coping skills for toddlers and older children is definitely in order.

Graduation and Award Ceremony 2019.

Set Your Child Up for Success by Teaching Healthy Boundaries

As a parent, you may have wondered how best to help your children learn to make positive choices. One way to set your children up for success is to establish strong boundaries in your home.
It’s essential to begin instructing your children about boundaries between themselves and others very early on in their childhood. A child who grows up in a home where healthy limits are well established will learn to apply such boundaries in his or her own life, thus developing better self-control and the capacity to make positive choices.
What Does “Boundary” mean?
A boundary signifies a limit that a person has for themselves. Limits that people set can be physical or emotional boundaries.
1. Physical boundaries. This limit can be physical and tangible, such as one’s own body parts. This involves explaining to a child that his body belongs only to himself and that nobody else teaches him to develop a sense of his physical self. Explaining, “Daddy’s body belongs to him” and “Your body belongs to you” is a good place to start.
2. Emotional boundaries. Another type of boundary is more emotional and than physical. Teaching children that it’s not okay to say hurtful things to others is an example of an emotional boundary. Teasing would be another way of crossing a person’s emotional boundaries.
In a sense, boundaries are rules that you live by. Living with boundaries basically means, “I won’t do anything to harm you” and “I expect you not to do anything to harm me, but if you do, I’ll let you know.”
Teaching Boundaries:
When you’re raising kids to have healthy boundaries, it’s important to allow your children to have and express their own feelings. This one can be pretty tough as it isn’t unusual for some parents to try to suppress a child’s healthy behavioral expression.
For example, if a 4-year-old starts crying and stomps her feet, what would you do as a parent? One healthy strategy to ensure your 4-year-old develops healthy boundaries is to help her label her feelings. Say something like, “I see that you’re frustrated that you can’t have the candy right now. Maybe you can have some candy after dinner.” Then, move on with life.
You helped her to label her emotions. You chose not to punish her or demand that she stop crying or “Straighten up right now.” As a parent, you just showed acceptance of your child’s feelings. Each time you behave this way as a parent, you’re reinforcing your child’s natural sense of self and boundaries.
Another example is a two or three-year who throws a toy at their sibling. Again, tell your child that it’s okay to have and express angry feelings, but it’s not okay to throw a toy at others. During the episode, show no feelings. When you’re establishing boundaries, it’s time to be diplomatic. Be firm, but not frustrated or angry.
Simply state, “It’s not okay to throw a toy at your brother. When you throw a toy, you have to sit in a chair,” and say nothing more until the minutes have passed. Have your child sit in a chair for the number of minutes that matches their age (if they’re two years old, they sit for 2 minutes; 3 years old, 3 minutes).
After the time is up, thank your child for sitting in the chair and go on with your day. Hopefully, your child will not throw a toy again. Instead, he or she will see that you allowed them to have and show feelings without negative consequences, as long as they stayed within your boundary.
Expect your children to occasionally “test the limit,” or challenge your boundary–this is completely normal. When these testing behaviors occur, think of each situation as an opportunity to show your kids the consequences of crossing the line.
Sometimes, there will be situations when you find it prudent to explain some boundary situations or “rules” to your child. For example, telling your child that no one but a doctor when Mom or Dad is also present should touch your child where their bathing suit fits is an effective way to teach limits and boundaries related to his or her own body.
Modeling Boundaries
Ultimately, the single best way to teach children healthy boundaries is for parents to have healthy boundaries themselves and to model them in the home.
Showing respect for each person in the house, ensuring everyone has rights to their feelings and appropriate expressions of them, as well as talking openly and honestly about any challenging issues demonstrate healthy boundaries for children.
From the time your children are born, you’re charged to teach them many things so they’ll grow up to make positive choices in life. Help create happier, healthier lives for your kids by teaching your children about limits and boundaries.
Parents who ensure their kids grow up learning about limits and boundaries provide a solid foundation for their children’s futures. Apply some of these methods in your home to teach your kids about having and maintaining healthy limits and boundaries, and your kids will thrive.

Happy Easter....!
Children 1st Montessori Academy Ltd Managenment would like to take this opportunity to wish all our Students, Parents, Teachers and Staff a safe and wonderful Happy Easter

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