Liberate with Edwin Choo

When Caring Turns Into Control
I’ve been thinking lately about how easily caring can cross the line into controlling. Between husbands and wives, parents and children, and even among siblings—love makes us want to look after the people we care about. We watch over their well-being, we try to protect them, and we want the best for them. But when this caring becomes overly expressed, it can shift into something else: the desire for the other person not only to listen, but to follow our way.�And when they don’t, we sometimes resort to facial expressions, tones, or even harsh words to pressure them.
I’ve seen this happen clearly between my mum and my sister. They live together, and my sister is her caregiver. Many times, I’ve witnessed my sister scolding my mum simply because she didn’t obey a request. My sister has even threatened to leave the home when she gets frustrated. My mum is nearly 90 now. During a recent lunch outing, I noticed she has lost the ability to make even small decisions—she asked me whether she was allowed to put a tissue on the table. That moment struck me deeply. Too much care, too much controlling, can slowly take away a person’s ability to choose for themselves.
I also have a caring wife who looks after my well-being. She puts me at the center of many decisions. I don’t have to tell her when my shaving cream, toothpaste, or toothbrush needs replacing—they just appear. I appreciate her greatly for this. But I have also begun noticing the early symptoms of caring becoming controlling. Perhaps it’s something that happens as we grow older? I’m not sure whether this is common among older couples.
Recently, she bought disposable toilet-seat paper so we wouldn’t have direct contact with the toilet seat. I declined to use it, and she showed an unhappy expression. There have been many small moments like this—instances where care carries a quiet expectation, and disagreement brings tension.
Through all this, I’m learning that when we love someone, we need to remember boundaries. We need to allow them their own free will. Caring should uplift, not restrict. When care becomes control, even unintentionally, it can strain the relationship and slowly take away the other person’s sense of autonomy.
Love is most meaningful when it allows room to breathe.

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