Creative Concepts

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Why Be Kind?

Kindness is encouraged by every major religion, by leaders as diverse as the Dalai Lama to Richard Carlson.

Kindness leads to many of the virtues to which we value and desire. The Talmud says "Deeds of kindness are equal in weight to all the commandments."

When we focus on kindness, our world becomes kinder; we become kinder. Kindness can lead us wherever we want to go: to a happier life, to being more Christ-like, to enlightenment, to making a difference in this world, to raising loving and kind children.

The reasons for being kind are innumerable. Here are just a few:

1. Being kind feels good. Doing something for someone else really does make us feel good. Just as running releases endorphins, so does kindness. Make someone smile and you'll feel better for having done so.

2. God smiles on kindness. Whether we are Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Buddhist, kindness is an important part of the exhortations of all these religions. Both Buddha and Christ were kind and encouraged their followers to be likewise.

3. Kindness broadens our perspective. In order to be kind, we have to pay attention to what is happening around us. As we notice more things and help others, we get a glimpse of other ways of looking at things. A broader perspective helps us to keep things in context.

4. Kindness softens our heart. When we look for kind deeds, beauty, and the opportunity for kindness, we'll find that we are more compassionate and more tolerant. As we practice empathy, it opens our heart to others.

5. Kindness brightens our world. When we are kind to people, it makes them happy. The more people who experience kindness from us, the more happy people will be in our lives. When those around us are happier, our world becomes a brighter, lighter place to live.

6. Kindness helps people feel respected and less alone. By recognizing someone's need for help and acting on it in a compassionate manner, it makes the recipient feel valued. It also makes the giver feel better about themselves and more connected.

7. Kindness makes people want to be around us. One of the most common responses to kindness is gratitude. People appreciate what we've done for them. Our kindness is very attractive, so they want to be around us and actually seek us out. The Buddha lists this as one of the eleven impacts of lovingkindness, but he put it even more strongly, saying: "Lovingkindness will make people love you."

8. Kindness bears wonderful fruit. Kindness begets kindness, openness, health and reduces the effects of stress on our bodies and our hearts. In many ways, kindness is like Liquid Plumber for the soul: it opens us up, clears out the dross, and dwells lightly in our hearts.

9. Kindness begets kindness. When you are kind to others, the impact of your action doesn't stop there. Many times the recipient of your kindness and others who see or hear about your kindness are inspired to be kinder. The ripples of kindness are truly endless.

10. Your kids will learn from your example. When you are kind to friends and acquaintances, your kids will be more likely to be kind as well. People often treat their children with kindness, but can be short with a crazy driver, strangers, or others outside the family. This can cause "us and them" thinking that devalues others as "less" than ourselves. Kindness breeds tolerance and understanding.

The Tendencies of Humans

Throughout history, humans have relied on their ingenuity and adaptability for survival. Regardless of race, country, or culture, people follow similar patterns of exploration, inventiveness, and creativity. After years of careful observation, Maria Montessori was able to identify eleven important tendencies that compel human beings to construct and refine the world around them.

What do we mean by the word "tendency"? One dictionary defines it as "A predisposition to think, act, behave, or proceed in a particular way". The following characteristics are ones that we display before we even know what they are; we do them naturally and instinctively. In Montessori philosophy, they are the key to understanding how and why a Montessori classroom calls out to the very soul of the child.

Here are the tendencies of humans as defined by Maria Montessori:

Orientation. Human beings want to know their relationship to the environment around them. When children enter a new environment, they often want to look at and touch everything around them. They enjoy knowing "where" they fit in - from learning their address to finding their country and continent on a map.

Order. People prefer order to chaos and confusion. Order brings predictability and security. There are two kinds of order: external and internal. An orderly classroom (external) helps children to have orderly thoughts (internal).

Exploration. Our earth is filled with wonderful sounds, scents, textures, tastes, and colors. Children are naturally curious, and love to use their senses to learn more about the fascinating world around them.

Communication. Humans delight in conveying thoughts, feelings, and information to each other. Various types of communication include the written and spoken word, touch, facial expressions, gestures, art, music, and dance. Communication is the link of understanding between people, both face-to-face and from generation to generation.

Activity. People generally like to stay busy. For children, movement can be enjoyed for its own sake, rather than always having a goal or end product in mind. Even children who have very little to play with will find ways to be active through games, songs, dance, and pretend play.

Manipulation. Humans need to take hold of their environment to understand it. It is the next step after exploration: once you have found something interesting, you will quite naturally want to use it in some way. This is how the concept of "tools" began.

Work. Humans feel worthwhile through their work. Work leads to a feeling of accomplishment and self-respect. Maria Montessori believed that it was through work that a child constructed his true self, free of defect or misbehavior.

Repetition. This occurs when a child repeats a task over and over again. Oftentimes it is with the intent to master the task, but even after mastery occurs, a child may continue to repeat the activity for the sheer pleasure of doing so.

Exactness. Have you ever seen a child get upset because something was put back in the wrong place? Or watched them line up their blocks neatly before building a tower? Instinctively, humans seek to be precise in their work. Doing something exactly right brings enormous satisfaction.

Abstraction. This is truly the characteristic that sets us apart from animals. We are able to visualize events that have not yet occurred; we are able to feel and express emotions that are not tangible. We can imagine something that exists only in our minds, and then take the steps to make it happen.

Perfection. All of the tendencies culminate in this one. Once we have explored, manipulated, and worked in our environment, we can perfect our activities. In doing so, we are masters of our own minds and bodies as well as the tasks we set out to do.

Once we are aware of the underlying forces that compel human development, we will recognize them everywhere. The tendencies of humans are what compel babies to put everything they find into their mouths. They are the reason that a young child wants to know how things are made, and why children are filled with wonder when they enter a forest. They are the reason for our appreciation of a finely-crafted piece of furniture or a beautiful painting; we recognize the repetition that went into the mastery and finally perfection of a difficult skill.

The prepared environment (i.e., the Montessori classroom with its carefully chosen and beautifully arranged materials) is built around these tendencies. Because of this, Montessori teachers do not need to force their students to work; children are naturally drawn to the materials because they appeal to their instinctive drives. For example, the environment is safe and secure, filled only with items that can be touched and manipulated by the child. Work is neat, orderly, and accessible; this encourages exactness and exploration.

Today's child unconsciously displays the same traits that early humans did, and without realizing it, we often stand in the way of their exploration and manipulation because it is an inconvenience to us. When we are able to remove any hindrances to a child's natural tendencies, the child will flourish and likely surprise us with their pursuit of knowledge, their innovative thinking, and their limitless curiosity.

Sensitive Periods in Development~

For the happy and full development of children, Dr. Maria Montessori recommends a prepared environment in which the child, set free from undue adult intervention, can live its life according to the laws of its development.
What are these laws of development?

There are successive stages the child passes through.
Each stage has its unique characteristics that require specific environment and kinds of teaching.
Each stage has one thing in common: each has its sensitive periods , or particular times when the child is attracted to certain activities in order for specific development to occur.

What is a sensitive period?

What exactly is a sensitive period?

A special sensitivity that arouses a strong spontaneous desire to learn and master some skill or concept.
A period of transitory and varying duration.
A time especially devoted to the acquisition of a particular trait.
Once that trait is acquired, the sensitivity disappears.

“A child learns to adjust himself and make acquisitions in his sensitive periods. These are like a beam that lights interiorly or a battery that furnishes energy. It is this sensibility which enables a child to come into contact with the external world in a particularly intense manner. At such a time everything is easy, all is life and enthusiasm. Every effort marks an increase in power.” Maria Montessori

Adults have no direct influence on these periods. We cannot encourage them to begin nor can we command them to stop. All we can do it prepare an environment that encourages and nurtures spontaneous development.

A classic example of a sensitive period is the child acquiring speech.

He will begin when he is ready and once he begins, no amount of cajoling will cause the child to remain silent. He cannot stop because he is acting in accord with the very rhythms and cycles of the force of life. The child will pay particular attention to the human voice and mimic the sounds he hears. By babbling millions of sounds, he will eventually acquire speech. That speech will be whatever language the people around him speak, no matter how simple or complex it may be.

Recognizing sensitive periods

You can recognize a sensitive period occurring when you see child your child developing a passion for a certain toy or activity.
He may be trying to acquire balance and is drawn to walk on the cracks of sidewalks, or along the curb.
She may be drawn to pick up small objects of any kind to develop the pincer grip.
Your child will spontaneously repeat the activity again and again until one day the cycle is finished.
The activity may not seem to be particularly meaningful to you, but it fulfills some area of mental or physical development and aware parents and caregivers will permit the activity.

When the acquisition has been attained, the action or material that facilitated the development loses its fascination. The Montessori system is based on providing materials to suit these sensitive periods of spontaneous interest. You can do this at home too.

Missing a sensitive period by having no external activity to match internal development is like dropping a stitch in knitting.
If you drop a stitch, your garment is not as strong or beautiful as it might have been. More important than the eventual degree of perfection that may be reached, is the warping of being that occurs when a sensitive period is ignored or in some way blocked.

What happens when a sensitive period is blocked?

Maria Montessori believed that when a sensitive period is blocked, the child reacts to defend his internal growth and integrity.

Many childhood tantrums happen as a result of a frustrated sensitive period. Imagine, for example, a preschooler trying with great concentration to button his shirt, and in our rush we step in to do it for him. The child bursts into tears and we all get upset. What just happened? We have just interfered with a cycle of mastery and the child reacted in the only way he knew how to defend his growing self-mastery.

Montessori explains that these examples of tantrums are the expression of alarm and the defense of inner development. The soul cries out in the only way it knows. The tantrum stops as soon as the possibility exists of satisfying the need.

“If during his sensitive stage a child is confronted with an obstacle to his toil, he suffers a dis turbance or even warping of his being , a spiritual martyrdom that is still too little known, but whose scars are borne unconsciously by most adults.”

Capricious tears?

Another example Montessori wrote about relates to a powerful desire for order, based on the child’s need to get oriented in the environment. There was a little toddler who loved her bath. The child was accustomed to being bathed in the family’s large kitchen sink. One day a babysitter bathed the child in the sink as she had been instructed. The child got hysterical. When the mother and sitter discussed it, they discovered that the mother always had her daughter seated facing the faucet, while the babysitter had placed her facing away from the faucet. This was enough to violate the toddler’s sense of order and she screamed in protest.

Fortunately, the sensitive periods are not always so dramatic! They can be almost unnoticed when the child’s environment adequately corresponds to his inner needs.

Psychological and educational value of the sensitive periods

Maria Montessori was the first to discover both the psychological importance and the overall importance to human development of the sensitive periods. When education is organized around the developing sensitive periods, children learn effortlessly with a sustained interest and enthusiasm almost unbelievable to observe. These sensitive periods relate to movement, language, math, sensory input, social graces and more.

This five-year-old chose to spend several hours doing this math work.
Why would he have done all this work without a powerful internal impetus?

The idea is to provide a prepared environment containing external activities that coincide with the needs of internal development. The child is permitted to freely choose his activities. As the “great match” of external activity with internal impetus occurs, the child’s every effort brings an increase in power . We often fail to recognize the significance and potential of these periods. Perhaps it is because we take for granted the stupendous progress we see children making every day.

The child’s work

The quality of the child’s work during the sensitive periods is far different than our work. We work to get the job done, whereas the child works because it provides inner satisfaction. He works because of the sheer joy of self-development.
Honoring the Work of the Child

As parents and caregivers the important thing is that we learn to recognize and honor the child’s work — which is his effort to build the man of tomorrow. Whenever we observe our child engaging in intelligent activity, we need to allow his cycle of activity to complete itself.

So, whether your child is learning to talk, spooning beans from one dish to another, walking on the cracks of the sidewalk to coordinate movement or practicing how to write the letters of the alphabet, one of your essential tasks is to simply allow the child to follow the inner impetus for learning. As we begin to notice and support the child’s spontaneous learning, the child truly becomes our teacher.

The Absorbent Mind and the Sensitive Periods
P. Donohue Shortridge

Maria Montessori observed that young children learn in a
unique way from prenatal life to about six years old. The
absorbent mind is the image she created to describe, ". . . this
intense mental activity."1

Since the neonate has to learn everything (he has no tools
other than reflexes to survive), but has no language or conscious
will to learn the way adults do, he must acquire his survival
skills in some other way. Montessori said that the child learns
by unconsciously taking in everything around him and actually
constructs himself. Using his senses, he incarnates, or creates
himself by absorbing his environment through his very act of
living.2 He does this easily and naturally, without thought or
choice.

Montessori saw the absorbent mind in two phases. During the
first phase, from birth to three years old, the young child
unknowingly or unconsciously acquires his basic abilities. She
called it the period of unconscious creation or the unconscious
absorbent mind. The child's work during this period is to become
independent from the adult for his basic human functions. He
learns to speak, to walk, to gain control of his hands and to
master his bodily functions. Once these basic skills are
incorporated into his schema, by about three years old, he moves
into the next phase of the absorbent mind, which Montessori
called the period of conscious work or the conscious absorbent
mind. During this period, the child's mathematical mind compels
him to perfect in himself that which is now there. His
fundamental task during this phase is freedom; freedom to move
purposefully, freedom to choose and freedom to concentrate. His
mantra is "Let Me Do It Myself!"3

Montessori understood that the baby must adapt to life
outside the mother during the unique time right after birth,
roughly the first nine months of life.4 She refers to the baby
during this time as a spiritual embryo or psychic embryo.5

Whereas the physical baby developed in utero, the mental or
psychic baby must complete his embryonic growth outside the womb.
Montessori said that a man, " . . . is like an object turned out
by hand."6 Once he is born, the baby's specific interaction
with his surroundings casts his mental life and uniquely shapes
him. It is now that he absorbs his mother tongue and comes to
love his place of birth. Thus, this spiritual embryo needs a
concentrated relationship with his parents and milieu to form his
individual self. Montessori observed that adults often fail to
do what is essential at this time, " . . . because of the habit
we have of thinking the child has no mental life."7

A child's wise parents realize that he does indeed have a
mental life and therefore will provide soft, low light, immediate
and prolonged contact with the mother and a reassuring place for
the baby so that the transition into the world is smooth and
inviting rather than traumatic.8

Another of Montessori's contributions was the discovery of
the sensitive periods. A child passes through special times in
his life when he easily incorporates a particular ability into
his schema if allowed to practice it exhaustively during this
time. She referred to it as, ". . . a passing impulse or
potency."9 Her prescient understanding of these critical
periods is now confirmed by scientists and even the popular
culture, with Time magazine calling it "Windows of Opportunity"10

Regardless of what they are called, the sensitive periods are
critical to the child's self development. He unconsciously knows
that the time to learn a specific skill is now. The child's
intensity reflects his need for that particular acquisition in
order to live. However, once the period passes, he'll have to
learn the skill with much more difficulty at a subsequent time.11
Adults often do not realize that a child has sensitive periods,
perhaps because they do not remember them in themselves. But a
thwarted sensitive period will manifest itself in a cranky child.
Montessori viewed these "tantrums of the sensitive periods (as)
external manifestations of an unsatisfied need."12

The child ages birth to six years old will pass through three
significant sensitive periods; those for order, movement and
language. During the period of unconscious creation, the child
acquires the above mentioned abilities. Then, in the period of
conscious work, he concentrates on refining these newly acquired
skills.13

Montessori referred to four specific types of order to which
the child is sensitive. They are spatial order, social order,
sensory and temporal order. All through the period of
unconscious creation, the child seeks order so he can acclimate
himself to his environment. The youngest child doesn't even
realize he is separate from his surroundings. Order in his world
helps him make the distinction. Thus he uses an external order
to build on his internal orientations.14

He is sensitive to a spatial order; that is, everything has a
place. When his environment is arranged the same way day after
day, he comes to rely on it and can get his bearings. Gradually,
he absorbs the concept that if the table is there, for example,
then I must be here. Personally, I have seen an infant return to
his little bed for just a few moments at a time throughout the
morning, not to sleep, but to pause, seemingly as a way of
reorienting himself.

The child is also learning about the people around him. This
social order allows him to discern who is who and to distinguish
between himself and the mass of "them" out there. It is critical
at this stage that the same people come in contact with the baby,
over and over, so that he can accomplish this distinguishing
work. Children in child care centers often suffer personal
distress from confusion because of the industry's high turn-over
rate for caregivers.15

The child is sensitized to a sensory order, in other words,
to the differences in things; that some are soft or hard, that
objects have color, different colors, and shades of the same
color. He needs to freely explore his prepared world so he can
differentiate among these qualities. Infants often cry because
of sensory deprivation.16

The young child needs ritual, or temporal order. If his life
has a predictable rhythm and his routine is maintained, he begins
to trust the environment. If his needs for food, sleep and
bodily comfort are predictably met as they arise, he uses this
satisfaction as the basis to feel secure and to explore his
world.17 One child I observed spent most of the morning fussing
and crying. The Guide told me it was this child's first day at
the Center. The unfamiliar place and routine obviously upset
her.

In sum, the child during the unconscious creation stage uses
the external order to begin building his own internal order. By
about three years old, the child has acquired his most basic
order and will refine it during the conscious work stage.

Spatial order is still critical. Whenever I placed a new
material on the shelf in my early childhood room, I wondered how
long it would take before that new material was noticed.
Invariably, the next morning someone would immediately see it and
ask for a lesson. Children have a scanning radar that searches
for any anomaly in their ordered world.

The child wants to understand the complexities of
relationships, creating himself socially. Master classes in
social order were conducted daily in my class anytime three four
and one-half year-olds had snack together, with their highly
evolved in-group language patterns and pecking order.

The child is now interested in refining his sensory input.
He wants deeper exploration into sameness, differences and
gradations of same and different in objects and the environment.
Sensorial activities were always popular in my classroom. Some
of the most concentrated, creative work I witnessed was in the
sensorial extensions, particularly with the five and six
year-olds who combined materials in elaborate patterns covering
most of the floor surface, sometimes for days at a time.

The three year-old is at the height of his ritualistic order;
he still needs routines and yet can begin to create his own
order. This is the perfect time to model that activities have a
beginning, a middle and an end. Choosing to do the same thing at
the same time or in the same way is quite a comfort to this
child. I saw the phenomenon extensively in my class. One boy I
recall would paint a picture first thing every day for many weeks
in a row. If the easel was in use, he would wait patiently
because he seemed to orient himself by choosing to paint as his
first activity every day.

The sensitive period for movement is most intense during the
first year of life. Montessori reminds us that, "(n)o other
mammal has to learn to walk."18 The baby, unable at birth to
control any of his movements, doesn't even know he has hands and
feet. But by about twelve months many babies take their first
steps. Walking develops without it being taught. An infant's
need to walk is so strong that he becomes upset if he is impeded.
I have often seen a toddler in motion become frustrated when an
adult came swooping down and picked him up. The boy's
concentration was broken by a well-meaning but hurried adult.
The child's rhythm is so much slower than our own. He walks to
perfect his walking; whereas we walk with purposeful intent.19

During the period of conscious work, the child works to
perfect and extend his movement. He is interested in
elaborations of the basic walk/run theme. It's time to jump,
hop, skip and climb, to carry heavy things, to balance objects on
a tray. I remember one girl who walked on the balance beam. At
first she did it with one foot on and one foot off the beam, then
haltingly with both feet on and arms fully extended, and
eventually more smoothly with arms lower at her sides.

Once the child has mastered walking, his hands have become
free to work.20 He's entered a new phase of his life, that of
Homo(man) Faber(working); one who uses his hands to affect his
world.21 He now focuses on work to refine his hands. Montessori
observed that mental development occurs through movement but only
if, " . . . the action which occurs is connected with the mental
activity going on."22 The child wants to use a scissors, to pick
up tiny objects and to refine his eye/hand coordination so that
his hand truly becomes an instrument of his mind.23

The final sensitive period is that for language. No one
teaches the child to talk. His language, " . . . develops
naturally like a spontaneous creation."24

Of all the auditory stimulation surrounding the baby, it is
the human voice that he deeply hears and imitates.25 By six
months, he's uttering his first syllables, by one year his first
intentional word. By one year, nine months he uses a few
phrases, and by about two years old he "explodes" into
language.26 He talks and talks non-stop. By the time he is three
years old he is speaking in sentences and paragraphs with proper
syntax and grammar. He can fully express himself to get his
needs met.

During the period of the conscious absorbent mind he will
expand his vocabulary immensely. He wants huge words and funny
words and rhyming words and words in songs. Our Montessori
environments, rich in vocabulary, meet his word hunger perfectly.

If we trust that the child comes into the world with his
unique plan for life and that it is he who will unfold before us,
then we know that these first six years are crucial for his self
development. It is now that the imprints are deepest. He begins
his work of living life on earth by taking from, and adapting to
his environment and thus creates the man he is to become.

What Is Anger? What Is Anger Management?

Anger is a natural emotion that every human and many non-human animals experience. Mild forms of human anger may include displeasure, irritation or dislike. When we react to frustration, criticism or a threat, we may become angry - and usually this is a healthy response. Anger may be a secondary response to feeling sad, lonely or frightened. When anger becomes a full-blown rage our judgment and thinking can become impaired and we are more likely to do and say unreasonable and irrational things.

Anger is not just a mental state of mind. It triggers an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Anger has survival benefits, and forms part of our fight or flight brain response to a perceived threat or harm. When a human or animal decides to take action to stop or confront a threat, anger usually becomes the predominant feeling and takes over our behavior, cognition and physiology.

In many cases humans and non-human animals express anger by making loud sounds, baring teeth, staring and specific posturing as a warning to perceived aggressors to stop their threatening behaviors. It is unusual for a physical attack to occur without these signs of anger appearing first. If a stranger approaches some newborn puppy-dogs the mother will most likely growl, bare her teeth and adopt a defensive or ready-to-attack posture, rather than silently attack without any warning. If you trespass into the private land of a farmer in a remote area, his approach may be similar; his voice may be hostile, as may his body language, and posture. Instinctively, anger may surge in humans and non-human animals to protect territory, offspring and family members, secure mating privileges, prevent loss of possessions or food, and many other perceived threats.

Experts say anger is a primary, natural emotion with functional survival value, which we all experience from time to time. The raised heart rate, blood pressure, and release of hormones prepare us physically for remedial action - which is either to fight or run away at top speed (fight or flight).
What can make people angry?
The most common factors that make people angry are:

Grief - losing a loved one.
Sexual frustration
Rudeness
Tiredness
Hunger
Pain
Withdrawal from drugs or some medications
Some physical conditions, such as pre-menstrual syndrome
Physical illness
Mental illness
Alcohol, some drugs, alcohol abuse, drug abuse
Injustice
Being teased or bullied
Humiliation
Embarrassment
Deadlines
Traffic jams
Disappointment
Sloppy service
Failure
Infidelity
Burglary
Financial problems
Being told you have a serious illness

Anger can make you ill
When we are angry the body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol. The heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and breathing rate increase. Regular episodes of anger can eventually make people ill.

Uncontrolled or unresolved anger can lead to the following health problems:

Backache
Headaches
Hypertension (high blood pressure)
Insomnia
Irritable bowel syndrome, or other digestive disorders
Skin disorders
Stroke
Heart attack
Lower pain threshold
Weakened immune system, resulting in more infections, colds, and influenza.

Uncontrolled or unresolved anger can lead to emotional and mental problems, including:

Depression
Eating disorders
Alcohol abuse
Drug abuse
Self injury
Low self-esteem
Moodiness

What is anger management?
Anger management is a procedure of acquiring the skills to recognize signs that you are becoming angry, and taking action to deal with the situation in a positive way. In no way does anger management mean holding the anger in or trying to keep from feeling anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, a healthy one when it is expressed appropriately.

It is possible to learn how to control your frustrations by practicing anger management techniques on your own. However, seeing a mental health counselor or taking an anger management class is generally more effective.

Anger management teaches you to recognize frustrations early on and settle them in a way that allows you to express your needs, while remaining calm and in control. Coping with anger is an acquired skill which involves unlearning some of the bad behaviors that result from frustration.

Anger management helps you identify what triggers your emotions, and how to respond so that things work in your favor, instead of against you.

We all feel angry sometimes and may say or do things we regret. This is a normal part of life, and may not necessarily mean you need anger management help. If your anger is having a detrimental effect on relationships, is making you unhappy, or is leading to violent or dangerous behavior, you probably need help.
Do I need help?
The following may indicate that you need anger management help:

You have trouble with the authorities (the law).
You frequently feel that you have to hold in your anger.
You have numerous arguments with people around you, especially your partner, parents, children or colleagues.
You find yourself involved in fights.
You hit your partner or children.
You threaten violence to people or property.
You have outbursts where you break things.
You lose your temper when driving and become reckless.
You think that perhaps you do need help.

Anger management therapy
Anger management therapy may be done in group sessions, often called anger management classes or one-on-one (UK/Ireland: one-to-one) with a counselor or psychotherapist, often referred to as psychotherapy.

Psychotherapy is treatment by psychological means. Psychotherapy may utilize persuasion, suggestion, reassurance, insight (perceptiveness, self-awareness), and instruction so that the person can see himself/herself and their problems in a more realistic way and wish to overcome and/or cope with them effectively. There are many types of psychotherapy, including cognitive therapy, interpersonal therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and family therapy.

Depending on your circumstances and needs, sessions may go on for a few weeks or months, and sometimes longer. If you have any mental health conditions, such as depression, an addiction, or Asperger's syndrome, for example, it is important that anger management sessions complement any other treatment you are having. It is vital that the psychotherapist or whoever is running the anger management classes knows about your current medical situation, as well as your medical history.

Anger management classes and/or anger management counseling has the following aims:

Help you identify your anger triggers - things that make you angry.

Help you respond in a non-aggressive way to these triggers before you lose your temper.

Learn how to acquire and utilize specific skills for handling your anger triggers.

Learn to effectively identify moments when your thought processes are not leading to logical and rational conclusions, and to correct your thinking.

Learn how to bring yourself back to a state of calm and peace when you feel the anger surging.

Learn how to express your feelings and needs assertively in situations that make you feel angry or frustrated. Doing so in a non-aggressive way. Assertiveness has nothing to do with aggressiveness. Assertiveness includes respect for yourself, and respect for others.

Learning how to redirect your energies and resources into problem solving rather than fury in situations which may trigger anger and frustration.

Most therapists say that it is important for the person to learn to recognize their anger. This may take time. The following questions may help:

"How do I know when I am angry?"
"What type of people, situations, events, places, triggers make me angry?"
"How do I respond when I am angry? What do I do?"
"What impact does my angry reaction have on other people?"

Most people are able to answer these questions straight away with several examples. However, it is only after some time that these questions can be answered comprehensively. The initial answers are a good step forward; a good first step. Many counselors ask their clients (patients) to continually ask themselves these questions before being satisfied that they are fully knowledgeable about their personal anger.

Many people find it helps when they realize that anger and calmness are not black-or-white emotions. There are varying degrees of anger, ranging from mild irritation to full rage. Our experience of anger moves around within the continuum between rage and calm. Those who see anger as black-or-white may have lost the ability to recognize when they are experiencing lower states of anger - they may be irritated but think they are furious, or even think they are calm. Most people are able to identify signs and symptoms of emerging anger which indicate where in the anger-calm continuum they are. These may include:

Emotional symptoms (typically, listed from irritation to rage):

A desire to escape from the situation
Irritation
Sadness or depression
Guilt
Resentment
Anxiety
Desire to lash out verbally
Desire to lash out physically

The following may also occur (possibly in order, sometimes not):

You start rubbing your face with your hand
You may fidget or clasp one hand with the other
You start pacing around
You become cynical and/or sarcastic
Your sense of humor starts to go
You become rude and abusive
You crave substances that you think relax you, such as alcohol, to***co or drugs
Your voice starts getting louder
You start screaming or crying

Some people are able to identify the onset of these physical symptoms when they are getting angry:

Grinding teeth
Clenching their jaw
Stomach upset
Accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Breathlessness (rapid shallow breathing)
Hot flashes in the face and/or neck
Trembling hands, and sometimes lips or jaw
Dizziness
Tingling at the back of the neck

Rating your anger
Being able to identify what happens when you are angry, and at which point in the continuum between mild irritation and fury/rage the anger components listed above occur, makes it easier for you to rate your anger. When you are able to do this, it then becomes possible to use effective anger management techniques. Remember that anger is not a leap from calm to fury, there are many levels in between - if you are aware of this, as well as some other factors, it is easier to be in control, to think things through in a logical way.

There are many ways of rating your anger - some people devise a scale from 1 to 100, with 100 being fury/rage.
Having an anger plan
Being able to rate your anger helps you know where you are in the anger scale - that alone will not get rid of the anger; it is a step. The next step is to devise an anger plan. Anger plans may vary and depend on certain aspects of the person, as well as his/her circumstances. An anger plan may include:

Taking time out - remove yourself from the situation that is triggering the anger so that you have space to gather your thoughts and calm down.

Change the subject - if a particular conversation includes an anger trigger, start talking about something else.

Relaxation techniques - If you can find a physical therapist who specializes in management anger relaxation techniques, do a few sessions with him/her. It will be worth it. Effective relaxation needs to be done properly and requires some practice to be really effective.

Delay your responses - some people find that counting to ten, or using some strategy to slow the pace of a conversation that is starting to bother them helps. Delaying responses may be used even if the situation is not a conversation, such as a feeling of growing frustration during a traffic jam. Taking steps to slow down the accumulation of factors that heighten your anger gives you time to recover your logical thought processes.

Have an anger diary
Some people find that writing down what happened, how they felt, what was occurring before-during-after their episode of anger, helps them anticipate anger triggers as well as coping during and after episodes. Being able to read about what happened, what worked, what didn't work, etc., helps achieve a more effective anger management plan.
Other useful tips

Slow things down - count to ten; devise strategies to slow things down. As your pace slows down try to visualize a relaxing or pleasant experience - take your mind there.

Express your anger - make sure you do this when you have calmed down. Do this in an assertive non-aggressive way.

Exercise regularly - many of the hormones we release when we are angry are produced to help us get out of danger. This was great hundreds and thousands of years ago when we had to run away from bears and predators. Exercise uses up those chemicals and hormones. If you exercise regularly not only will your body better regulate your adrenaline and cortisol levels, but as you become fitter you well have better levels of endorphins - natural feel-good hormones. You will also sleep better; a crucial factor for good mental health.

Plan what you want to say - if something is bothering you, remember that you are more likely to get sidetracked when discussing an issue if you are angry. Taking notes before the conversation may help you steer the course of the conversation.

Focus on the solution, not just the problem - it is fine and useful to identify what made you angry. However, it is much more important to focus on ways to resolve the problem.

The word "I" is more constructive than the word "You" - when giving praise, the word "You" is great. However, when you are angry or resentful the word "I" tends to achieve better results. For example:

"I find this subject upsetting. Could we talk about something else, please?"
is better than
"Why did you bring that up….?"

Don't hold on to resentment - holding a grudge against somebody can only fuel your anger and make it harder to control it. It is important to be realistic and accept that people are the way they are, rather than how you want them to be. Many of the strategies mentioned here, such as expressing your anger, are more likely to help resolve your anger, compared to holding a grudge.

Humor - don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. Good humor can sometimes dissolve anger and resentment faster than anything else. Humor is a fantastic weapon and also a gift. Even if it means just laughing - as long as there is no risk of misinterpretation - your mood can change for the better rapidly. Some people find that just remembering a funny joke, or imagining themselves or the other person in a silly situation gets their mind away from the anger.

Timing - if you and your partner find your evening discussions tend to turn into rows, possibly because you or both of you are tired or distracted, change the times when you talk about important matters. In some cases the fights at that time of day initially started because you were tired or distracted, and over time simply became a habit.

Proper breathing - just as anger can increase your breathing and heart rates and tenses up your muscles, you can learn to reverse this by deliberately slowing your breathing and systematically relaxing and loosening your muscles.

As soon as you feel those shallow rapid breaths coming on, which tend to aggravate anger, take action to redirect your breathing. If you can, spend 15 minutes focusing on relaxation - it can work wonders.

Take several slow and long deep breaths in a row.

Spend twice as long exhaling as inhaling.

Count slowly to four as you inhale.

Then breathe out slowly as you count to eight.

Make each breath deep and slow, and focus on where the air is going.

Your inhalation should start from your belly, then your lower chest, and finally your upper chest. Feel your ribs open up when you fill your lungs.

When you slowly exhale feel your ribs coming back to the original positions - exhale completely.

If at any time you feel odd or slightly dizzy go back to normal breathing for a couple of minutes.

Sleep - try to get at least 7 hours good quality sleep every night. Sleep is crucial for good mental and physical health. Sleep deprivation has been linked in many studies to mental, physical and emotional health problems - including anger.