09/02/2020
*READ AT YOUR OWN LEISURE*
-AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BEST PERSON I EVER HAD-
I will just share my non-tolerable experience.
And to let you know, I am not a student of this University– no longer one.
I've had a relationship that was good for close but not quite 2 years. Let us say, one and a half.
I do not know what went wrong but I have to be honest that IT WAS my decision, and somehow, my fault.
All started with social media until we lowkey dated each other. After 4months of dating, we've decided to make our relationship official. Mind you, this is not your typical love story. Eveything is discreet. Complex. Complicated. No one knows at first. We have our eyes with each other but we have to make sure that there are no eyes on us. The world was insane. Hell y'all, this is pure love. We are not committing a crime. Again, this is not your typical love story.
Months passed by, we got used with everyone and everything like, 'love, we are now here, and there is no escape with this', and I know for sure that no one from us wants to escape either.
So, we just let things fall on their own; if it's in our favor, we'd be grateful, if not, then let it be.
Until it came to a point that we were able to meet each other's family. Though, it was a rough phase but WE.WERE.ABLE.
I told you, this is not your typical love story.
The common cliché is that, like yours and everyone's story, there's an ups and downs.
There are some wants assurance, effort. Some are care, others are stability. I know some wants time, trust. How about affection and care? And of course, let us include maturity.
But there is also someone who wants to have it all and I'd be honest that I'm guilty about that.
The person that pertaining this letter was able to provide almost all of them.
It will just comes to a point that we need deeper mindset. First and foremost, our world is not moving in reverse– if you'll get my point.
Ok, listen, this is how you feel. I got it. But, acting like this would help? Do you think it would help? Does it add up? It would just add fire in the flame.
If there is anything wrong with the relationship, we let each other know. We do not escape, remember? None of us wants either.
So, yes.
I asked for more than what this person could give.
I expect that this person could reach and meet the level of mindset I set.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not passing the ball to anyone. I'm owning up all the mistakes.
Yes, maybe, I asked too much.
With this roller coaster life of ours, with the non-stop recurring issue we have had and shared , I got tired. For almost couple of years, I gave up.
Of course, no.
Nothing was easy.
We deeply know each other.
So, no. It's not that easy to let the person you used to live with for almost two years go.
But it is even harder to see if that person is not growing at all.
So me, firmly believe, that we have to be utterly alone so we would know how to balance our life and could be able to stand in our own.
And there, we split.
-
After months of not being together, I met someone at work who were very distinct. This person introduced me to totally different world. Science. Fiction. Universe. Animals. History. Aliens.
Name everything unusual, this person surely nailed it. So, it caught my attention. I got curious. Plus the fact that efforts, time, care, stability, maturity were given. Can't deny. We gradually make time to know more each other.
Invested my time.
Only then I find out that this person was totally different. Literally different. That this, all this, will bring no good to me.
That everything was in the part of getting my attention.
The acts and all that were being shown is just a sugarcoat of an unstoppable lies.
In summary, the whole experience was horrible.
A Crazy-Obsessed-Psychotic-Paranoid-Suicidal-Atheist-Problematic human.
I got hurt mentally, emotionally.
I was once spiritually shaken, and physically?!?!??? Hm..
Being with that person was a nightmare.
A class worth skipping.
Could you imagine someone would tell you that he/she will take his/her own life?
Because I, can't even.
But I, have experienced.
People, triggering someone's trauma is not a fu***ng joke.
You. Don't. Do. That. To. Anyone. Ever!!!!!
Surely hell won't even accept you for that.
And, what made it even horrible is when I did find out that I'm not the only one.
Like seriously? You introduced yourself as this. That you were a product of a broken family and you are living and striving for your own. That your Papa is in QC living with his new family so does your Mom in different country with her own family as well. You told me that you were given a house by your Mom in Bulacan and you are the only one who's there eversince your Lolo died.
You introduced yourself as broken in life as it is, and I fixed you though you are psychotic-paranoid that is hard to be with. I fixed you.
Then, what? Someone will chat me one day that you have family waiting for you. That your kids are missing you? Yes, you read it right, kids. F**k, ain't it? And if I would not stop talking to you, I might get harassed and disgusted.
Like seriously??? Do I know it? Was I informed???
Hell no.
You introduced yourself to me the way how you introduced it to anyone, even to your friends.
I am not the only one who were being lied. All of us.
Yes, I have to admit that I got attached BUT that person is nothing but a bu****it crap.
Of all person, I am the lucky one chosen to be in this? Ain't deserve this situation.
So,
I got lost.
Not because I am broken; and I did not even think that I am one, to be honest.
It's just that, I questioned Universe on why do I need to be in the situation that I really deterring to.
People know how determined I am to build a good, nothing but a good-formal reputation.
Did not even letting myself to view in a perspective that someone would estimate my worth, my existence, my value. I set boundaries. I leave if necessary. I'm not everyone's girl. I am a woman of substance.
So, how would it be possible that I got into that situation without me knowing, without any instincts. I can't imagine that I am stepping someone's toes, specially, those kids that aren't supposed to get involved because of stupidity. How!!!!
I got literally lost.
I questioned myself.
I got dismayed, dysfunction, disheartened, demotivated.
I'm outta' focus.
I left my job.
I am not doing any good.
I am 2 months jobless.
I feel so useless.
It came to a point that I have nothing but myself.
Do not have savings either.
Anorexia kills me.
Depression bothers me.
I cried every night.
I ran to God.
Ask for forgiveness. Ask for answer. Ask for enlightenment but seems no response.
I set job application appointment, I would go there but would not enter the room. I feel intoxicated.
And everytime I will take application seriously, I would get hired. I'm signing contracts but would not show off on my first day.
I do not even know what am I doing.
-
So there, that is my wonderful experience.
And why do I do this?
Because I wanted to share with you all and to let the person that I once loved know what happened. Please young 'uns, it took me so much me to do this. I am not an open media. So, please kids, get a lesson in it.
And for you,
I actually wrote this long time ago, I just don't have the courage to post and to tell you this. Because I know, deep in my heart, that it was my fault. You are not responsible for this. You've done your part. We might not have a proper closure, but I want to tell you that I loved you. I really did. You are one of the precious things I lost because of my impulsive decision. No, I am not regretting for I know that you are happy now so am I, maybe not in love life, but with my own life.
Hey, you made my life wonderful in 2 years.
Best moments of my life are definitely with you.
And, I really am sorry.
I know what you have been through.
Sorry if we had fights because I keep making you different and setting your mindset the way I set mine. I shouldn't have done that.
Take a good care of yourself and your relationship now. I hope you continue growing, it looks good on you, tbh.
We may have different paths now, but I am still here whenever you need me.
Do not take away the good in you.
May God bless you and your family.
I won't forget how they were good to me as well.
You take care, pls.
Again, sorry... And thank you for all.
And to those who read this open letter up to this part, thanks as well. I hope you find a lesson. You may say and comment whatever you want, not a problem.. I would accept whatever you guys thows at me. I did admit everything in the first place. The karma hit me hard literally, I know... But I paid for it, and is still paying as long as I haven't received the forgiveness I am asking for yet.
And no worry peeps, I cut the person who fooled me off out of my life right away. Nothing is much important than peace of mind. And of course, no woman deserves to be on that situation. Do not let you to be one, please.
And to let you know, I also have my stable life and career now. I am living independently. I am now funding my own. I am growing and will never stop learning.
It is not true that God has no response. We just really have to be utterly alone so we would know how to balance our life and could be able to stand in our own. Thank God, I am somehow right here.
People, hardships are inevitable.
But like what I'm advising to some,
We have to remember that we are the captain of our own ship and we can manipulate the trip.
You controls sitiation. Situation don't control you.
Again, thank you for reading.
And you all have a good one!
