28/05/2026
๐๐๐ง๐๐ฅ๐๐ฅ๐ฌ | ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ง๐ฉ๐ช๐ ๐๐๐จ ๐๐๐ซ๐๐ง ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ฃ๐๐
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โThey say patience is a virtue. That the right time will always comeโthat it will all be worth it. But how long does it take? What's the difference between waiting and being caged? Does staying guarantee being chosen someday? Does it?
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โFive years ago, I met Clerk.
โ
โA gentle oneโhoodie, glasses, and bicycle, to be exact.
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โHe is the closest I have ever been to a guy.
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โHe is normal.
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โOr so he calls himself.
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โWe met through a friend's rendezvous.
โHe raised his hand with a subtle "Hi," then followed it with a Japanese introduction of himself.
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โIf I had only known what would happen after that, I wouldn't have reached out to shake his hand.
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โBut I did.
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โWe became friends.
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โAnd soon enoughโmuch more. But still less than the kind of more that I had longed for.
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โFive years of him calling himself "normal," and five years of me staying because he meant comfort.
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โAfraid to look at anyone else but him.
โUnable to hold hands with anyone.
โClosing doors to those who wanted to come in.
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โAll because I had always kept my heart reserved for him.
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โBelieving that when what they called "soon" and the "right time" finally came, he'd knock.
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โIn those five years, Clerk had always acted like more than what a "normal" friend and a "less-than-this" relationship should.
โHe didn't like it when I got close to other guys. It made him angry.
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โHe stayed longer than necessary, slept over, and made dinners with me a regular thing.
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โHe always asked about the guys who talked to meโtheir intentions, how I saw themโmaking me explain myself before telling me to avoid them.
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โClerk acted off-script, doing things that distinguished him from what he claimed to be.
โ
โBut still, I stayed.
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โBecause of the belief that someday would come.
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โThat someday he would realize that I was more to him.
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โAnd that I deserved more from him too.
โUntil the idea of the "right time" slowly left me rotten.
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โI was not afraidโhe made me afraid.
โI wasn't unableโhe blocked my hands.
โI wasn't closing the door for him, but because of him.
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โSo that he could remain normal.
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โSo that he could be with whoever wanted him, while I couldn't.
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โHe could hold someone else's hand, but not mineโwhich remained chained to his.
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โAll because of the reserved heart I had for him.
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โI was forbidden.
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โI was kept.
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โI was archived.
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โEverything that no one deserves to be. Tonight was the same as the usual nights we shared: mobile games after dinner, scrolling through our phones until we fell asleep, and lying crumpled on my fading-colored couchโlooking at each other more than what an "only this" should.
โThough it was a cynical night, I decided to make it different.
โ
โOut of nowhere, I gathered every bit of strength I had to tell him something I should have said much sooner.
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โ"Clerk..." I called hesitantly.
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โ"Naa koy nakaila. Seryoso siya, and he wants to get to know me..."
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โI finally let it out.
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โFor a moment, I wondered why he didn't react the way he usually did.
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โHe didn't ask the same questions that always led to pleas, advice, and arguments.
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โHe simply said,
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โ"Maayo hinoon..." without making eye contact.
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Later that night, he spoke less. He ended conversations by saying he was busy.
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โHe was upset.
โ
โAgain.
โ
โA week later, I had formed a genuine relationship and exchanged healthy conversations with the guy I had met.
โMeanwhile, Clerk and I slowly felt the distance growing.
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โWe stopped eating at the same table.
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โWe stopped sharing earphones while falling asleep.
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โI stopped back-riding on his bicycle.
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โAnd I stopped wondering what Clerk thought whenever he saw me with the guy I had met.
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โOne evening, he came by our house and knockedโnot his usual way of entering.
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โWhen I opened the door, I saw him holding a cup of popcorn and two milk teas, breathing heavily.
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โUnlike before, he waited for me to invite him inside.
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โI hesitated.
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โStill, I told him to come in.
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โ"Mag-movie marathon ta..." he said enthusiastically.
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โHe said it as though he hadn't avoided me for an entire week.
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โ"Clerk... ayaw lang sa ron," I replied flatly.
โThen came another knock.
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โI knew what would happen once he heard it.
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โI told Clerk that I already had plans.
โThat the guy I met wanted to take me out to dinner.
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โAnd I expected how he would react.
โ"Ngano man?!" he asked, his voice rising.
โFor the last time, I didn't know how to feel about him.
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โI only knew he had gone too far.
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โ"Unya human ninyog kaon, unsa dayon?" Clerk questioned again, as if he had every right to.
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โ"Unsay labot nimo? Nganong kinahanglan makabalo ka sa tanan?" I shot back.
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โClerk dropped the milk teas onto the floor.
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โI didn't know whether they fell by accident or on purpose.
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โAll I knew was that it made me even angrier.
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โ"Nganong ikaw pwede ka magka-girlfriend, nya ako dili? Unsa ni nga klase sa friendship?"
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โI spoke in a flat voice.
Clerk quickly grabbed my hand.
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โHe pressed it against his chest.
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โ"Please, stay. Diri lang ka. Ayaw i-risk kung unsa ang naa nato para lang sa laing laki..." he pleaded.
โ
Again.
โ
โHe said it in a way that made me feel like I was finally getting the thing I had longed for all these years.
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โYet somehow, it also made me realize that I wasn't sure if I still wanted it.
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โNot now.
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โI freed my wrist from his grasp and walked toward the door.
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โ"Dili ko makauli ron. Ug dili ko gusto nga igbalik nako naa pa ka diri sa amoa."
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โAs I reached for the doorknob, I saw the way Clerk looked at me that night.
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โAs though he was daring me to choose someone else over him.
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โLeaving him was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
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โBut sometimes, the hardest decisions are also the most necessary.
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โA year later, I had not heard from Clerk anymore.
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โI developed a healthy relationship with the guy I met.
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โHe hears me.
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โHe sees me.
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โHe values me.
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โAnd most importantly, he feels the same way I do.
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โIt was peaceful.
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โIt was safe.
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โOne night, during a gathering with friends, Clerk and I saw each other again.
โHe approached me and asked if we could talk.
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โNot the usual him, who simply said whatever came to mind.
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โWe talked about how we'd been.
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โHe didn't ask about my boyfriend, and I didn't bring him up.
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โTalking to him felt like talking to a stranger.
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โ"Nag-therapy baya ko..."
โ
โOut of nowhere, he shared something I had long wanted to hear.
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โ"Sa therapy nako nahibaw-an nga naa gyud diay koy feelings para nimo."
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โHe paused.
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โ"I love you. And I still do."
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โ"Pero Clerk, dili na man pwede."
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โI spoke my truth with all the courage I had.
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โ"I know. Pero dili man na mao ang rason nganong gisulti ko ni karon. Di lang ko ganahan nga mahimong tawo nga wala gyud nakasulti sa tinuod."
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โTears formed in my eyes.
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โMy hands trembled.
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โMy mind replayed every moment I had imagined this would happen.
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โ"Pero kabalo ka, therapy has also taught me nga dili diay kinahanglan panag-iyahan nimo ang imong gihigugma."
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โHis lips trembled.
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โTears fell despite his efforts to stop them.
โI felt an overwhelming emotion that I couldn't put into words.
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โIt was bursting.
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โIt was instinctive.
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โIt was real.
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โI couldn't stop my tears from falling.
โ"...Sometimes diay, love can take the form of letting go for the happiness of the person you love."
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โIn the middle of his breakdown, and in my most vulnerable state, I saw a part of him he had hidden for years.
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โThe part that finally recognized his own emotions.
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โHe sounded mature.
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โNot long after, my boyfriend arrived and called for me.
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โI would've stayed, but I no longer had a reason to.
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โI simply thanked Clerk for everything he had taught me.
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โBut before I could even wave goodbye, he spoke.
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โ"Bagay kay mo."
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โHe smiled.
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โ"Salamat kay wa ko nimo gihuwat. I would've ruined what you have with him now."
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โHe nodded, as if finally giving me permission to leave.
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โFinally, I had the words I had longed for.
โFinally, I had the answers to the questions and doubts that haunted me for five years.
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โWe may not have had the best ending, but even the worst experiences become part of who we are.
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โWhat matters now is where I stand and who I stand beside.
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โThe moment I walked through that door, Clerk became part of my past โ a history that escalates through an ephemeral weave of my journey.
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โBecause my present is here now.
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โAnd for the first time, I choose to face it.
โAnd hope that, at last, it becomes the best.
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โ๐๐ฑ๐ถ๐๐ผ๐ฟโ๐ ๐ป๐ผ๐๐ฒ: If youโd like to submit your literary pieces, feel free to send them to the official Atalaya Publication page or email us at [email protected].
โ
โWritten by Jerry Mei Pedros
โPubmat by Angelyka Braรฑanola