01/11/2021
In my parenting journey I have recently been exploring ideas of “Positive Parenting” also known by a handful of other names, “Gentle Parenting”, “Positive Discipline” among others.
So I thought I’d take a break from Diane Levy’s book; “Of Course I love you, Now Go to Your Room” (which I had been summarising). And share with you instead some of the best tips I’ve gotten from my brief exploration into Positive Parenting.
Sometimes it’s useful to step back and look at the bigger picture, which granted amongst all the chaos of everyday life with kids can be really hard.
Positive Parenting is guided by psychologist Alfred Adler who believed ALL humans beings, regardless of age or size, have ONE basic desire and goal: to BELONG and to feel SIGNIFICANT. Just a brief reflection at our own selves reveals this to be true and it’s the same for our kids.
But what does this look like for our children? Today, so you don’t get information overload we will just look at what it means for a child to feel they BELONG.
Belonging means knowing they are CONNECTED, that they are valued in the family unit. The only way to truly give this feeling to our kids is to give them our most precious resource. Our TIME.
The course I’m doing really advocates preventing misbehaviour rather than reacting to it, since misbehaviour is a symptom of a child not feeling like they belong and that they don’t get enough attention from mum & dad. Children are goal orientated so if they can’t get these feelings of belonging positively, (through say one on one time), then they will try and get attention in negative ways, misbehaving.
Positive Parenting methods say that you should try and set aside 10 minutes a day one on one with each child. Call is something “Mum & Billy Time”. They also say that you should schedule it in each day, so the child knows when it’s going to happen next, so they can look forward to it. Put away your phone, try and distract younger siblings and for 10 minutes be fully present with your child, connecting with them in any way they want to connect. Let them choose the activity (within reason and try to avoid screens). Tell them when the time has started and let them know when it is finished. Also tell them how much you enjoyed your special one on one time with them.
My family has been trying to do this for a couple of weeks, although somewhat haphazardly. 10 minutes on the face of it doesn’t seem like much, but when you have 3 kids and your 2-year-old wants to do whatever the older 2 are doing, well it’s been challenging. But even the few times we’ve managed to do it well I can see with our 4 & 6-year-old what a difference it makes. They don’t feel like they’re scrambling to get my attention, pitted against the other 2 and I can tell they really feel special and loved.
So, what about you? Have you had any experience with Positive Parenting? Feel free to share in the comments below.
