26/08/2024
Why sharing is NOT caring
(as published in the Kumeu Courier)
"It's mine" .... “It’s my turn” … “I had it first” … these are often phrases we hear with our children.
For those who are still developing their verbal skills, we see objects being taken from the hands of another child. We often believe that young children who are speaking and have a good sense of the world, would recognise the concept of sharing, however, sharing is simply beyond their understanding. They may hear a common phrase like “sharing is caring” or “it’s kind to share with your friends”, and as adults we believe we are demonstrating kindness and compassion, but all children see and hear is that their beloved toy that they were enjoying, has just been given away.
Do we foster sharing? Do we encourage the children to share? Actually, no, we don’t. It would be like asking a baby who has just been born, to get up and start walking, or a one year old to have a conversation with us. Their brains just haven’t developed enough to grasp that concept.
Most children have not developed the sense that they are separate or an individual, so when they are holding on to their toy for dear life, they are learning that they are an individual and want to have a sense of power in their world. Their need to have this time with the toy is testing the hypothesis that they are in fact, an individual in the world. Research shows that children do not have the brain development or understanding of sharing until the age of around five or six, which may come as a shock, as many parents believe that children should master the art of sharing by their 2nd birthday.
The distinction between making kids share and encouraging kids to share is crucial.
According to author Heather Shumaker and based on her book “It’s OK NOT to share (and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids)”, Shumaker makes the case that sharing should be authentic. It shouldn’t be done begrudgingly or on demand. It needs to be genuine. When we allow this, the rewards will be more long-term.
So what do we do? We encourage, role model and foster turn-taking; this could sound something like: “when you have finished playing with that truck, could you give it to Sam?”. We allow the child to fully explore with what they have, with no time limit. Yes, they may play with their object of desire for a really long time, especially in the eye of another child who also wants a turn, but this then teaches patience; a life lesson in the making - we can’t always get what we want immediately.
Research also shows us that if we force the art of sharing before a child is ready, this could backfire and delay the development of sharing skills and generosity. Thus, (as child development practitioners note), a child could stay longer in the “what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine, what I see is mine” phase for longer. Nobody likes having things taken away from them.
Imagine if you would, buying a brand new car, your dream car, in the perfect colour and only a few kilometers on the clock. But before you can have a real good drive of it, all your friends and family want to have a turn before you’ve even had a change to run it down the motorway. If we force a child to share, it could lead to resentment, maybe the same feeling you may have while waiting to drive your own car.
In addition to this, children who feel secure in their ownership of something, and then chooses to share willingly, these children will develop a lasting sense of generosity.
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