Matrescence NZ

Over the past 5 years, I've worked with over 1000 mothers through 1:1 sessions, in person classes, online groups and webinars.

The same themes come up time and time again.

Mother's blaming themselves for society's shortcomings.

It's time all of this became general knowledge.

Spread these messages and let's change the way mothers are supported.

Thank you for the inspo: Casey Mouton, LMFT PMH-C you are smashing it 🔥

Although well meaning, these comments often imply a mother is somehow not trying hard enough, doesn't know how to take care of herself and completely invalidates the lack of time she has to do so.

Motherhood is hard because mothers are parenting in an environment wildly different from how we evolved to parent.

Let's validate the hard
and refrain from the unhelpful suggestions 🤦‍♀️

Motherhood can be incredible and amazing but it can also be miserable at times too.

It can be challenging, fulfilling, boring, scary, frustrating, overwhelming, phenomenal.

It can be all the things.

We all live different lives, have different resources, backgrounds and circumstances, that means even similar situations are experienced in completely different ways.

It feels like with this statement some people are saying, you can't be grateful you're a mother AND complain about the hardship too. This couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm tired of the extremes. If you're seeking a community that holds space for the range of experiences mothers face, you're in the right place 🫶

Mums are told to find their village as though it's as simple as downloading an app, joining a group, or putting themselves out there.

But what if the people who were meant to support you have hurt you?

What if asking for help has come with criticism, judgement, guilt, or strings attached?

What if protecting your peace means keeping your distance from people who call themselves your village?

Despite it being well meaning we've somehow managed to turn yet another of society's shortcomings into
something mums are failing at....

Taking responsibility for creating their own villages while simultaneously being an entire village.

Helping mums find the support they deserve isn't straightforward.

This might be access to childcare centres, neighbours or paid help.

This might be changing the way mothers feel about asking for and accepting help.

This might be helping mums to say yes to some people and no to others.

This might be becoming a part of the village they so desperately need.

Finding a village isn't as simple as asking for help.

If you want to provide the kind of support mothers deserve follow along 🫶

Motherhood isn't meant to be without challenges.

But there are two kinds of hard.

The hard that comes from climbing a mountain.

And the hard that comes from climbing a mountain without shoes, warm clothes, a map, water and while blindfolded in the rain.

Discomfort and disorientation are part of the transition to motherhood that helps us grow.

Distress is not. Distress is the result of inadequate systems and support that block the process of growth.

Can you identify the challenges that have been helpful vs unhelpful in your mothering journey?

We're living in an environment that creates a huge mismatch between how we evolved to parent and how we're parenting.

Examples of the conditions we're parenting within today:

- alone/in couples instead of with a village
- without wisdom passed down from elders
- with Google and misinformation
- unable to meet our nutritional needs
- without sufficient opportunities to rest & sleep
- without trusting our instincts, in a culture of professionals know best
- out of touch with intuition
- without sufficient childcare
- whilst also working outside the home
- within the perfect mother myth
- within the intensive mothering ideology
- without understanding matrescence

And that's only the surface.

PND isn't random, it's a symptom of a society that doesn't support mothers sufficiently.

How do you wish you were better supported? 👇

What do you wish someone had seen when you were postpartum?

After working with more than a thousand mums I've noticed some pretty clear trends in mums who seem to find motherhood a little easier than others...

They don't have easier babies.

They're not more patient.
They're not more grateful.
They're not better at self-care.

More often than not, they have more support.

We've been sold the idea that if motherhood feels hard, we're doing it wrong.

That we need to try harder... be more organised, more resilient, more selfless, more grateful.

But from an evolutionary perspective, mothers were never designed to raise children in isolation while simultaneously meeting the demands of modern life.

Motherhood is harder than it needs to be because we no longer have communities raising children AND mothers.

This is not an individual mothers fault, it's a societal responsibility to bring back community care.

Let me know if you feel this too 👇

What all these sentences have in common...

They aren't advice-giving!

They are seeing the mother.

They are validating a mothers experience.

They acknowledge a mother doing her best in a tricky situation.

They are supporting her, not judging her.

People may forget what you said but they'll never forget how you made them feel - Buehner

No sentences are perfect.
These ones won't fit for every mother in every situation, but more often than not they'll land better than unsolicited advice.

What's the best or worse thing a stranger has said to you?

Having a career alongside motherhood (or a sport/hobby/interest) gets easier when you realise no single role will ever competely fulfil your sense of purpose.

Your children aren't responsible for being your entire identity.

And your job isn't responsible for meeting all your emotional needs either.

You get to be many things.

A mother.
A partner.
A friend.
A professional.
A woman with passions, values and dreams of her own.

I was led to believe that motherhood would be all fulfilling and if I strayed from this narrative I was ungrateful or a bad mum.

But I don't believe in choosing one role for my complete fulfillment.

I'm creating a life where all the parts of me have room to exist.

Let me know if you feel the same 👇

What makes up your identity outside of motherhood?