08/11/2020
āAfter these 5 years at Macleans, Iāve come to value my emotions more than I could ever imagine. My journey through high school wasnāt the easiest as in my time here, Iāve had to confront my worst demons and build myself into someone Iām happy to be. Iād never been too in touch with my emotions coming into Macleans. Experiences from my past had generally discouraged me from seeking help whenever times got tough, and although I thought I was fine before entering high school, it became very apparent when joining an extension class both my self-esteem and sense of self-worth slowly diminished. Coupled with some of the troubles I had faced when I was younger, I soon found myself struggling to get out of bed without bursting into tears.
This struggle raged on for a lengthy portion of my first two years at Macleans. Moreover, I constantly reminded myself that āI was very privileged to be where I wasā, and developed a burden mentality where Iād shut myself off from family and friends. I believed that it was all phase and eventually Iād snap back into my old self. However, as time went on, the pain just got worse; and I came to the conclusion that in order to prevent myself from further suffering, no feelings were better than the ones I was having. I suppressed and buried every emotion until all that I had was a heart heavy weighted by the feelings I could never tap into, a broken mind, and an expressionless face. Iām sure nearly everyone around me sensed my change in demeanour as almost instantly I was frequently asked by my family, friends, classmates, and even teachers: āare you okay?ā. Despite the sentiment, my reactions were always the same, frustrated look which was very poorly acted, followed by an āIām fineā. But behind that emotionless gaze was a tired and scared teen. Tired of overthinking every single conversation, scared of a bleak future, unknowing of whether Iād ever feel happy again. Falling in reverse, unsure of when Iād ever hit the ground.
Except, I still tried my best to change myself in whatever way I could. Whether it was imagining a scene from one of my favourite movies to break the cycle of destructive thoughts, playing a game of League to remind myself what true pain was, messaging random people on the internet about my problems, or realising that there were people around me that cared about me, and would tell me to never give up. I remembered that every time I woke up, there was a face to smile at, a joke to laugh at, an ear to talk to. And after a very long grey palleted lifestyle, I finally hit the ground and was ready to get up. I can still vividly remember the moment where it felt like everything had just clicked into place and I was beginning to feel the fruits of my labour. I was on the bus home, listening to some music through my headphones where I began to lose myself in the music. Although a common occurrence for me to vibe hard, it was the first time the noise in my head properly began to fade away and for the first time ever since I placed it upon myself, the weight on my heart felt a little bit lighter.
In fact, gradually over time after this moment, the weight on my heart disappeared entirely. This wasnāt to say that the problems that were there before just magically disappeared but, I had begun to feel things again, and this time I knew that this time I was going to handle them differently. Dealing with the things I bottled up beforehand is its own story, but I do owe that part of my life to my friends and family who supported me the whole time; and to wrap up this extremely long piece, I wanted to mention the takeaways of my 5 years at Macleans and say something about who I am now. I learned that emotions mean everything. It sounds obvious but, you never know when you might end up in a situation like mine where you feel like opting out of the whole feeling sad thing. I also came to value my friends a lot more than before. My group is honestly the first that made me feel like I genuinely belonged somewhere and I definitely wouldnāt have survived high school without them. Most importantly Iām probably the happiest Iāve ever been. It was a long, intense, slow journey getting me here; and being happy doesnāt mean Iām living a perfect life. It just means Iām in a spot where I know, whatever happens, Iāll be able to bounce back.ā