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Example:
0500/22/F/M/24
Narrative Writing #5: Write a story which includes the words, '...I had to say something...'
My student wrote:
As the beam of light peeked through the curtains, blinding my eyes, the light reflected on the priceless photograph on my study. My heart throbbed every time I lay eyes on this photograph, knowing I had to say something. I simply was at a loss for how… it all felt so foreign to me.
Several nights ago, as I was mischievously snooping around the dining table in hope for some pocket money, there was something alluring that seemed to be new, tucked away in between envelopes and magazines. It was the priceless photograph of my parents and I on my first birthday. I just assumed it might’ve fell out of the photo album. Not until I turned to the back. There was a handwritten note, meticulously written: "Dear Amy, Dad and Mom love you forever." I recognized my mom’s favorite pen.
My world stopped, my vision blurring. Words alone cannot describe my emotions. In a typical Asian household, the word "love" is always felt warming the atmosphere but rarely said. Those times when they are said, it would be tossed around feeling empty and meaningless. Hence, my emotions took over my body as I ran through the engraved ink with my fingers. Love and sentiment fluttered my heart, something I’ve never once experienced before.
Determinedly, I mustered up courage, emboldened by something called "love," and the trail of aroma coming from the kitchen. As my mom was cooking my favorite breakfast, I saw the love in her eyes that I’d never realized before. I hugged her from the back as tight as I could, embracing the moment. Before she could even turn around, I pulled out the photograph and muttered under my breath, “I love you more than you would ever know.”
As she turned, tear droplets began to form simultaneously in both our eyes. She shakily wrapped me in her warmth and whispered, “I love you… yesterday, today, and forever.” This time, I can bravely proclaim that these words spoken were in abundance of endearment, significance, and sincerity.
An epiphany struck me that speaking up was not just an act of courage, but a moment that would redefine our home forever.
My assessment:
Content and Structure (16 Marks)
Strengths:
The narrative is highly emotional and evocative, aligning well with the prompt's focus on the phrase "I had to say something."
The discovery of the photograph serves as an excellent trigger for introspection and emotional growth, culminating in a heartfelt resolution.
The structure is clear, progressing from the discovery, reflection, and internal struggle to the eventual emotional release and resolution.
The epiphany at the end provides a powerful conclusion, tying the narrative together effectively.
Areas for Improvement:
The narrative occasionally drifts into excessive detail, such as the description of "engraved ink" and "fluttered my heart." While poetic, these could be more concise for greater impact.
Although the central conflict is strong, the context of the family dynamics could have been explored further to provide more depth.
Score: 14/16
Style and Accuracy (24 Marks)
Strengths:
The use of figurative language, such as "fluttered my heart" and "tear droplets began to form," is effective in conveying the protagonist's emotions.
The tone is consistent and appropriate for a personal and reflective narrative.
The vocabulary demonstrates sophistication, with phrases like "an epiphany struck me" and "words of endearment, significance, and serenity."
Sentence variety enhances the narrative's flow and maintains reader engagement.
Areas for Improvement:
Some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "something I’ve never ever experienced before," detract from the polished style.
Punctuation, particularly commas and ellipses, is overused, disrupting the narrative's flow and creating unnecessary pauses.
While descriptive, certain sentences could be more concise, avoiding redundancy (e.g., "my vision blurring... words alone cannot describe my emotions").
Score: 20/24
Total Score: 34/40
Here's an improved Version: A Story with the Words "…I Had to Say Something…"
As the first beams of sunlight peeked through the curtains, the golden glow reflected off the photograph resting on my desk. My heart swelled as I gazed at it, a mixture of nostalgia and longing sweeping over me. It was a picture of my parents and me on my first birthday. The three of us looked so happy, so whole—a family frozen in a moment of pure joy. Yet, each time I looked at it, I couldn’t shake the unspoken words weighing on my chest. I knew I had to say something, but where would I even begin?
The night I stumbled upon the photograph felt like fate. Mischievously rummaging through the dining room drawers in search of spare change, I uncovered an envelope tucked between old magazines. Inside was the photograph, its edges slightly worn, yet lovingly preserved. When I turned it over, my breath caught. Written in my mother’s familiar, careful handwriting were the words: “Dear Amy, Dad and Mom love you forever.” A lump formed in my throat. Love—such a simple word, yet so rarely spoken in our house. The weight of those words felt both comforting and foreign, like a long-lost treasure uncovered after years of searching.
Growing up in an Asian household, affection was shown through actions, not words. Love was packed into lunchboxes, folded into fresh laundry, or tucked into late-night cups of tea. But the word itself? Rarely spoken. When it was, it felt fleeting, almost ceremonial, like something said only on special occasions. Holding that photograph, with those three handwritten words etched into the back, made me realize how much I yearned to hear it spoken aloud—to feel it, not just see it in gestures. My emotions surged, raw and unfiltered, as I traced the ink with my fingertips. I knew then that I couldn’t let this moment slip away. I had to say something.
The next morning, the smell of fried eggs and buttered toast wafted through the air. I found my mother standing at the stove, humming softly as she prepared breakfast. My palms were clammy, my heart thudding in my chest. I watched her for a moment, noticing details I’d overlooked before—the slight stoop in her shoulders, the way her hands moved with quiet precision. She turned and smiled, her face lined with years of unspoken sacrifices. Emboldened by something I could only describe as love, I approached her, the photograph clutched tightly in my hand.
“Mom,” I began, my voice trembling. She turned, concern flickering in her eyes. Without a word, I handed her the photograph. “I found this last night,” I said, my voice cracking. “I just… I love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them, raw and unpolished but wholly sincere. For a moment, she simply stared, her eyes glistening as the photograph trembled in her hands. Then, she pulled me into her arms, her warmth enveloping me. “I love you too,” she whispered, her voice shaky but steady. “I always have.”
Tears streamed down our faces, words spilling freely between us—words that had been locked away for too long. In that moment, the air around us shifted. The unspoken love that had defined our relationship for years was finally given a voice. It wasn’t just an act of courage; it was a moment of transformation. As we sat together, the photograph resting between us, I realized something profound: love isn’t just in the actions we take—it’s in the words we choose to share. And sometimes, all it takes is a single moment of bravery to change everything forever.