Coaching with Shin

"You are either with me, or against me!"

Conflict happens all the time.

The difference is in the intensity of the conflict, who are the parties involved, and how willing are the conflicting parties coming to a resolution.

Why do we have conflict? The simple answer to that is 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. For example:

International = one values peace, others propagate war.

Intercultural = one preserves traditions, others embrace modernisation.

Intercompany = one crushes competitions, others collaborates.

Interpersonal = one nurtures relationships, others destroy it.

Intrapersonal = one wants happiness, yet beating themselves up.

How to resolve conflict?

First, be WILLING to want to resolve conflict. If we are willing, conflict is easily resolved. What if one party is unwilling?

Let's first understand why one is unwilling to cooperate:

1. Lose controlling power.

2. Lose dignity and pride.

3. Lost identity.

4. Lose a sense of purpose.

5. Lose trust.

If we could first UNDERSTAND why people go into a fight, either with themselves or with others, it would be easier to break down wall of resistance; at the very least, to come to talking terms.

Lastly, be PERSISTENT to focus on the common outcome that all parties desired. This is no magic pill. It takes time to restore trust to get issues resolve.

May everyone has the tenacity to want to resolve conflict, so that you can be happy wherever you are.

Image credit: Malcom in The Middle Sitcom

Alamak!

As I was driving on the Pan-Borneo highway, out of nowhere, a stray dog just sprinted out onto the highway. I could not stop in time; and the the car hit the dog or vice versa. Lucky enough the dog ran off unscathed, while the car suffered a minor bumper damage.

The scenario is this, this is a rental car.

If I were younger, I would have panicked and tried to come up with 101 excuses of why this wasn't my fault (it was the dog!). During this time, I stayed cool, examined the damage, called the car rental company, apologising and admitting my carelessness, explaining the situation and offered to pay for the damage before they even asked from me.

I felt so much in control. In reality, the process was so much easier than I had expected.

The feeling of confident inside me was real. It is by owning up to my mistakes, instead of running away, gave me the courage and confident to face the consequences.

Many times in our lives, we may try to blame others for our mistakes. Blaming others is easy, owning up is hard. Human psychology suggests that's the less risky path to take. Why is it so? Because we are 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙚𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙨.

I would like to invite you to take a moment to look back at a specific moment in your life about owning up to your mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Don't let that memory haunt you. Own up and have a proper closure. I am sure you would be the happiest person from this moment on.

How many times do we impose our ideas and beliefs onto someone?

ALL THE TIME!

Remembering a time when you were attending a family dinner, and seated next to your "wise" uncle. And he would start to tell his great stories of how he made it in his life, "Young man, Iet me tell you how you should live your life. Uncle (I) eat more salt than you."

Remember such an uncle? I am sure you can relate.

Also, a time when your boss was chairing a meeting to celebrate the achievement of the team. And he said, "we created great synergy for our team. And this year, we did it again! Thanks to your unwavering and dedicated effort in getting to where we are. I am sure we can do it again for the coming year, can't we?"

Remember how wonderful that feels?

Ideas are being imposed all the time. For example, after you watched an unforgettable movie, or tasted the most delicious cake that was out of this world, you are sharing that with others. ALL THE TIME!

The question now is, how do you do it so that people are mesmerised by you?

You can either coerce (forced to accept an idea), or you can influence (inspire others to agree to an idea).

Or you can take another path: 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭, before anything else.

I find this approach is more palatable and sustainable, even if you are getting others to swallow a bitter pill.

Why is it so?

1. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩. You trust the person based on your time spent to get to know them and their credentials.

2. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. You trust the person to have your best interest in mind.

3. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. You trust that the recommendation is super fit, legit, and valid.

So, the next time if you are sharing an idea with someone, ask yourself, "do I have enough brownie points to get across my idea to the other person I am trying to get on board?"



Photo credit: Internet

To ask or not to ask?

Manager was talking to his staff: “Here is the project brief. If you are not unsure, please ask me.”

Staff: “Okay Boss”

After studying the project brief, the staff walked to the manager’s desk.

Staff: “Boss, I don’t know how to do this part. Could you show me please?” (pointing to the brief)

Manager: “I hired you for your ability to do your job. Not asking me on what to do. Please read the brief carefully.”

Staff got the message and went ahead to produce the job as what he understood from the project brief.

And, when it was time to present the final output to his manager…

Manager: “Why didn’t you ask me first before you did the project? This is unacceptable!”

Now, if you were the staff, how would you feel? Confused? Frustrated? Angry?

The sentiment in our working environment is largely dictated by how well the manager interacts with the team. It is one of the top reasons why performing staff stays or leaves.

As a manager, it is important for us to give a clear guidance of the expectations and understand the strength of our team members.

By assigning tasks that are utilising their strength will encourage people to do more happily, effectively and efficiently, instead of having them struggle to find ways to do their job well.

Do pay attention that as a manager, we could be the cause and the effect that why certain events happened.

If you are given a chance to change the above conversation, how could it be more empowering?



Photo credit: Unsplash/ Andriyko Podilnyk

All I need to do is ask.

During my recent watersports trip with a team of successful achievers, none of us brought any phone nor camera onto the boat.

It was my first parasailing experience, and I really wanted a photo to capture this moment.

I could say, "yeah, better luck next time", or I could do something about it.

I went ahead and asked a young chap with built muslces to help me with my mission. He is about 18 years old. A helper on the boat.

He didn't nod nor agree to my request. I asked again, even more politely. He still didn't say anything.

When I was put on a harness and hoisted up in the air, that quiet young man took out his phone, positioned himself securedly, and took 50+ photos of me and my friend.

When I got back to the boat, he asked me sheepishly, "how could I send these photos to you?"

I am so grateful to him. His name is Adil. He gave me an opportunity to immortalise the memory.

He too helped me to realise one thing: when someone didn't respond with words, that doesn't mean they don't respond with action. I just need to trust he did what I asked of him.

Thank you, Adil. ❤

Do you have clarity in what you are doing?

I was reading this comic this morning and find this relevant to our daily lives.

We thought we understood what we are supposed to do.
We thought we understood what our line manager's instructions are.
We thought our subordinates understood what we had conveyed during the meeting.

And it turned out the results are not what was expected.

What was at play here?

Assumptions.

We assumed we know what to do, in fact we don't.
We assumed we know what our line manager want, but we don't.
We assumed our subordinates are aligned with us during the meeting, and yet they don't.

Frustrating, isn't it?

What we can do about it?

Ask for clarity.

Ask, if you/ they are unclear.
Ask, if you/ they need more clarification.
Ask, if you/ they are on the right path or not.

Always check, check, check. Because with checking, you will know how far more to go, and how near are you/ they to turn back.

So, do you have your clarity now?

How much are we embracing gender equality in reality?

I was reading a news recently about this flyer by Onomichi City Government that "educates" pregnant mothers on how to behave in pleasing their husbands.

I was dumbfounded when I read this.

We are still living in a male-dominated society, that's a fact. How can we change the perception of our society to treat women as human beings, just like you and me, that require respect, love and dignity?

1. 𝗛𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆. Having empathy is the best way to show understanding how our mothers, sisters, wives and gilfriends go through their lives. One does not have to wear the shoes to feel the pain of others.

2. 𝗣𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻. The fact that we treat others respectfully because we are kind to ourselves. In being so, we are able to be kind to others. One cannot give kindness when they don't have enough to give.

3. 𝗕𝗲 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗳𝘂𝗹. Always be thankful to the person who has contributed to the success in our lives. Most of the time, that would be our mothers. If we are having a grateful heart, we would not treat any woman lesser than how we treat our mothers.

Is gender equality easy to bridge? Looking at the society, it is unlikely to be happening in the near future. With everyone practicing these humanistic values, I am sure one day we will be able to get closer to achieving that.

What other ways that you think could help bridge the gap of gender equality in a different dimension?

Do you wake up everyday feeling great to be at work?

I often hear from employers that they do not understand why their young hires are not motivated to work.

According to the Global Estimates of Modern Slavery (2022) from the International Labour Organization and the International Organization for Migration: 49.6 million people live in modern slavery.

Modern slavery here means these groups of people are vulnerable to be exploited, tricked and manipulated, often due to poverty and lack of law protection.

One thing is for sure, young hires have not gone through living in a devasted state before. How would they understand what most of us older folks have gone through? (Gosh, I sounded so old! Hahahaha)

Because of this, we have to find effective ways to engage with them. How?

1. 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗶𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲. Let them see how they fit into the overall puzzle that how their contributions are meaningful and impactful to the whole process.

2. 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗹𝗲𝘅𝗶𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆. Focus on the results they could generate by clearly communicate your expectation, then let them have a "free-hand" to experiment and produce the results. Sometimes you will be surprised to see what they can offer to the table.

3. 𝗘𝗻𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺. Old style of managing workforce by scolding and punishment does not work as effectively for these groups of young professionals. Like an endangered species, they often perform better in a nourished environment. They like to be valued, respected and cheered upon as any human being do.

Do you have better ways to engage with your younger workforce? Do share.

"I am afraid of rejection." "I don't have a car to pursue a Sales profession." "The job does not give me the satisfaction I want."

Assumption vs Reality. That was what we have been discussing during this session of Primed For Success.

Our minds are easily accepting something that is perceived to be true, without challenging or questioning with proof.

With guidance from our professional mentor, See Wei Ngiam, he was sharp to pose a critical question for our fellow mentees to ponder upon: "Is it an assumption or a reality?"

Sometime by asking this question, it can give you a brief moment of reflection. In actual fact, we play many assumptions in our head, influenced by our upbringing, our exposure and our cultural background, which may not be true to begin with.

Here are some other questions to help you check your thinking process:
1. How did I arrive at the assumption?
2. What if the assumption is not true?
3. What might happen if I chose a different thought/ action?

My invitation to you is: how would you do differently when you are having contradicting actions from your thoughts?

Recently I was in Shilin district of Taipei and bought an ice-cream cone from Family Mart (Shilin Station).

As I was too happy taking this photo, I lost balance and "blob!", the whole orange part of the ice-cream fell to the floor and made a mess.

I went into the store counter to ask the storekeeper whether I could get some cleaning tool to clean up my mess. The lady over the counter smiled and said to me politely that she would manage it. And immediately, she went to the backroom, took out a pack of cleaning wipes and a mop, and started cleaning.

That was not the end of it. To my surprise and delight, her co-worker offered me another cone of ice-cream on-the-house.

What a wonderful customer experience!

I was so happy and touched by how they made me feel as a customer.

If you are the staff, facing with a clumsy customer like me, how would you have treated the customer?

Yay! I was happy to be with my Primed For Success family again!

This time, I was very grateful and delighted to have my superhero collaborator, Kuang Shan Hoo to be the mentor for our small group sharing.

One of the topics we were discussing surrounds dilemma.

Don't we agree that we are facing dilemma every single second of our life? What to eat after this? What friends do I want to hang out with? Should I do my Masters or not? What job do I want to apply after graduate? Which company do I want to be associated with? What should I do with the money I have? Should I take up the job offer or not?

And the list goes on.

In all honesty, having dilemma is good, because it means you have a choice: a choice to decide your future, a choice to change the course of your life, and a choice to open up to many other opportunities that await you.

However, there are still many who had to resort to do something that disadvantaged them because they thought they didn't have a choice. And I feel sad to see them behaving that way.

So now you know, having dilemma is a good thing. And the best part is, you don't have to deal with your dilemma alone.

Come join Primed For Success special edition on 14 July 2023 (Friday), live in Menara Maxis, to get more clarity about your dilemma in career, decision-making and life. Stay tuned for the invitation link in the comment section soon!

"Clarity and simplicity are the antidotes to complexity and uncertainty" ~ General George Casey