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Monday blog: Best brain exercise for your child

So often we buy puzzles, memory games, Rubik's cubes, subscribe to a few online educational activity boxes like Flintobox, ButterflyFields etc. to enhance cognitive abilities in our children.But truly speaking, what are the qualities we want to develop in our children, so that they can excel in any field in their life ? How good is an engineer without sound decision making ? How good is a doctor who lacks empathy ?

I often use an acronym for this - 'MESSED'. M for morality, E for empathy, S for sound decision making, S for self-understanding, E for emotional control, D for determination or will power. If he doesn't mess up with this MESSED, he will definitely thrive in any area of his life.

To strengthen these six qualities we don't need to buy any puzzles or subscribe to any STEAM based educational tools. We can do this by spending a little mindful time with our children. Let us see how to do this, one at a time.

Morality - Morality is not only a sense of right or wrong, but also what is good beyond one's own individual needs. We can help exercise this part of the brain by posing a few hypothetical situations for our kids. Would it be ok to run through a red light if there is an emergency? If someone is bullying a student at school and there is no one around, what would you do? The point is to challenge your child to think about how they should act, and to consider the implications of their decisions.

Empathy - By simply drawing attention to other people's emotions in our day to day encounters, we can open up a whole new level of compassion within our kids and help exercise their brain. What do you think your best friend Arvi will be feeling, now that you have changed your school? Why do you think the baby is crying? Why do you think the woman reacted that way?

Sound decision making - One of the big temptations as parents is to make decisions for our kids, so that they consistently do the right thing. Decision making requires weighing different options, consideration of several alternatives and the various outcomes of those choices. Do you want to buy that computer game or save your pocket money to buy cymbals for your drum later ? You can pose a few scheduling conflicts from time to time. Do you want to attend your cricket trial session or accompany us to the new shopping mall? The point is to let your kid wrestle with a decision and live with the consequences.

Self understanding - The best way to foster self understanding is by asking questions that allow kids to think what is going on within and around themselves. "Can you tell me why you made that choice? What do you think what went wrong during the exam? In older children you can help him develop the habit of journaling, writing, drawing pictures that tell a story.

Emotional Control - One of biggest challenge is to teach our children skills to make good decisions when they are upset. Maybe we can teach them the well known techniques like 'take a deep breath or count till ten etc. We can help them express their feelings by being a good listener. And, of course, consider modeling our own behavior.

Determination or will power - Charles Duhigg in his renowned book "The Power of Habits" noted,,"Self discipline has a bigger effect on academic performance than does intellectual talent or IQ." How to help kids increase their self regulatory skills? "One simple way is by signing kids up for piano or sports classes. It has nothing to do with creating a good musician or a five year old soccer star" said Heatherton. "When you learn to force yourself to practice for an hour or run fifteen laps, you start building self regulatory strength." Secondly, you can help him to formulate a daily routine for himself and stick to that routine. Don't make it for him. When he makes it, he is more likely to follow through. Give regular encouragement and genuine appreciation for any act of delayed gratification.

Finally, as we teach our children about emotional control, honesty, kindness, respect, will power, we need to make sure they see us living a life that embodies those values as well. As Steven D Levitt once rightly said, "It is not so much a matter of what you do as a parent : it is what you are."

Dr. Saumendu Bhattacharjee
Presentation Coach, Micmellows

Monday blog : Best brain exercises in children So often we buy puzzles, memory games, Rubik's cube, subscribe to a few online educational activity boxes like Flintobox, ButterflyFields et...

Micmellows Monday blog: Understanding a child's brain

Last Saturday, Ananya, mother of a 3 year old child asked me a question, "Sir, how do you deal with temper tantrums?" I said,"Well, before I tell you how to deal with that, first you need to understand a little about a child's brain.

Though the human brain is quite complex, today we will discuss the structure and function of a child's brain, in an over simplistic way. Based on that understanding, in subsequent Monday blogs we will take up parenting challenges in different behavioral issues.

You probably know that the human brain is divided into two hemispheres - right and left. Not only are these two sides of the brain structurally separate, they also function quite differently.

The left brain loves order. It desires logic, it likes words ( linguistic) and it puts things in a sequence or order.

The right brain, on the other hand, cares about feelings - especially in images, emotions and personal memories. For example, we get a 'gut - feeling,' or intuition from our right brain. It also deals with non-verbal communication and signals like facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture, gestures etc.

In an over simplistic term, you may just remember, the left brain as logical brain and the right brain as your emotional brain.

In terms of development, children upto the age of 3, are right hemisphere dominant. Till then they are unable to master the ability to use logic and words to express their feelings and they live completely in the moment - that is why, they will drop everything and squat down in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Logic, responsibilities and time don't exist for them.

But when a toddler begins asking "Why?" more often, you should know his left brain is beginning to kick in (for the left brain likes linear cause-effect relationship and expresses logic with language.)

In order to live a balanced, meaningful life, it is crucial that the two hemispheres work together. Corpus callosum is a bundle of fibers that connects the right hemisphere with the left, allowing the two halves to work as a team - which is exactly what we want for our kids. We want them to become horizontally unified, so that their two sides of the brain - logical as well as emotional halves - act in harmony.

Significant problems can arise when two sides don't get integrated and we end up experiencing our life primarily from one side or the other. The goal is to avoid living in an emotional flood or an emotional desert. We will discuss more on how to develop that integration in the upcoming blogs.

We can talk about the brain in one more way - the vertical way.

Imagine the brain as a house with two stairs - downstairs and upstairs with a metaphorical staircase that connects both the stairs. The downstairs brain includes the brainstem and limbic region, located in the lower part of the brain. Scientists talk about these lower areas as more primitive, because they are responsible for basic functions like breathing, blinking, impulses like fight or flight, strong emotions like fear or anger. It is like the first floor of the house where many basic needs of a family are met like having a kitchen, a dining room, a bathroom etc.

The upstairs brain is way different. It is made up of the cerebral cortex and it's parts. Here more intricate mental processes take place like thinking, imagining, planning etc. It is sophisticated, complex and is responsible for many of the characteristics we hope to see in our children like - morality, empathy, sound decision making, control over emotions and body etc.

As might be expected, a person's brain works best when both the upstairs and downstairs are well integrated. So, just like the horizontal integration discussed earlier, a parent's goal should be to help build and strengthen the metaphorical staircase that connects the upper and the lower brain so that they work as a team ( vertical integration). This means the upstairs can monitor the actions of the downstairs and help calm the strong reactions, impulses and emotions that originate out there.

But before we work on strengthening this metaphorical staircase, it is important to know that developmentally downstairs brain is well developed at birth, while upstairs brain doesn't fully mature until a person reaches mid twenties. The upstairs brain remains under massive construction - a work in progress, throughout childhood.

But the good news is that the upstairs brain is like a muscle - when it is used, it develops, gets stronger, performs better. At the same time when unused or ignored it loses it's ability and power to function optimally.

We want to be intentional about developing the upstairs brain of our children. Our job is to provide our kids with opportunity after opportunity to exercise his upstairs brain so that it can grow stronger and more powerful.

We will discuss more on that skill in subsequent Monday blogs. Till then keep following smikpick.blogspot.com.

Dr. Saumendu Bhattacharjee

Smart Mother Intelligent Kid ( SMIK) Monday blog : Understanding a child's brain Get link Facebook Twitter Pinterest Email Other Apps February 26, 2023 Last Saturday, Ananya, mother of a 3 year old child asked me a question, "Sir, how do you deal with temper tantrums?" I said,"Well, before I tell you how to deal with that, first you ne...

Micmellows Monday blog : Coupon system

Couple of months back, I came across an interesting story about crime and policing. Whenever a crime occurs like murder, robbery or r**e, our initial instinct is to ask for strong punishment, pass new and harsher laws or initiate zero tolerance activity. The hue and cry is to come out with strongest possible sentencing (like death sentence) that can act as a deterrent for future criminal activities.

Similarly, the usual image of a policeman in our mind is someone who arrives into a crime scene, chase down the criminals, kick them on the butt and initiates harsh punishment. This long held practices of policing system was once challenged by a young forward thinking Police Superintendent Ward Clapham at Richmond Police Department in Canada. He noticed that recidivism rates ( criminals who repeat another criminal activity after being punished and released once) under his police station was quite high - 65% to be precise at that time even after applying zero tolerance policing rule.

He felt disturbed, and realized something was missing somewhere. He decided to shift his focus. From catching criminals and serving harsher punishments after commitment of a crime, he redirected his effort and resources at eliminating criminal behavior before it happened. Out of this thought, came the novel idea of "Positive Ticketing.' He initiated a programme whereby police, instead of focusing on catching young people perpetrating crimes, would focus on catching youth doing something good - something as simple as throwing litter away into the dustbin rather than on the ground, wearing a helmet while riding a bike, parking at a designated area,etc. The police would then give them a ticket for their positive behavior. The tickets of course were not the usual ones, instead they used to be coupons which were redeemable for some kind of small reward like free entry to a movie or an event at a local youth center.

How well do you think Ward Clapham 's strategy worked? It took some time to see the results, but in 10 years time, recidivism in Richmond reduced from 65% to just 8%.

In an interview, Ward Clapham once gave a moving example of his positive ticketing approach. One day a police officer under him, pulled over a teenager who had saved a girl from being hit by a car. He immediately handed over the teenager a Positive Ticket, and said, "You did a great job today. You can make a difference." The boy went home and pasted the Positive Ticket on his wall. After a few weeks, his foster mother asked him whether he was going to cash it.To her surprise he said he never would. A police officer had told him he could be somebody, and that was worth more than free pizza or bowling.

Since the pandemic, my wife Suchandra got increasingly concerned about my son's screen time. It became a source of regular fight between mother and son. She tried every method of conventional policing, but failed.

Buoyed by Clapham's story, I decided to apply this 'coupon system' inside my house. I prepared three types of coupons - 20, 50 and 100 rupees coupons. For any positive activity like reading a book or practicing drum ( he loves playing drum) for one hour, he will get a coupon of Rs. 20. If he reads for an additional hour, he will receive a coupon of Rs.50. If he goes on to add one more hour, he gets a coupon worth Rs. 100. In just two months, I saw a dramatic change. The screen time went down by more than 80%, reading went up, time spent on practicing his hobby ( drum) spiked higher. Recently he earned his double bass drum pedal worth Rs. 5,800 by his own coupon money.

We all can create systems like this both at home and at work. The key is to start small, encourage progress, visually reward progress and celebrate small wins. The day we bought the double bass drum pedal for Arka,we celebrated it by dining outside while returning from Musical Mart.

Rather than forcefully enforcing a rule, we can encourage and reinforce a positive behavior by designing our own innovative coupons.

Dr. Saumendu Bhattacharjee
Presentation Coach, Micmellows

Micmellows Monday blog: Looking at things from "level of being" and not on the "level of acts."

My father is 93 years old. Couple of days back, he accidentally fell down and broke his hip. In extreme pain and despair, he said, "Hey God! Why don't you take me away. What is my life worth living for ? I am bedridden, now I can't move, I need constant care and support from others. Is it a life worthy of living?" I spontaneously replied, "Dad, I am happy, just because you are there with me."

Fellow readers, his words that day, invoked a curious question inside me,"What makes us understand our true sense of worth ?" For this is, one vital question which gives us courage to face our life's task.

After some research, I found one theory quite interesting, one that is put forward by renowned psychologist Alfred Adler. He proposed - "Only when one feels, " I am of use to someone " or in other words, " I can make contributions to other people or I am beneficial to the community" that one can have a true sense of one's worth and in turn the courage to live.

But this theory has a counter intuitive question. If one's true awareness of one's worth is measured by one's feeling that one is of use to someone, then what about the lives of those invalids, old people who are bedridden, the newborn babies? Are these people not qualified to live ?

There lies the fallacy in our thought process. Actually we tend to look at ourselves as well as other people on the level of acts. In other words, what did we do or the other person does ? From that point of view, bedridden old people might look only as a nuisance and of no use to anyone. But Adler proposes, "Let's not look at us or other people on the 'level of acts', but on the 'level of being'. That's profound.

Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence. If you consider things at the level of being, we are of use to others and have worth just by being there.

My father is bedridden, he is fighting for his life. I never wondered if he was doing something, but I am grateful for the level of him being there. Just being alive, he is supporting the psychological state of mine and my family and is therefore of immense help to me.

Instead of thinking of ourselves on the level of acts, first of all we ought to accept ourselves as well as others at the level of being. This can bring colossal change in our thought process.

When we look at other people, we are prone to construct an ideal image in our mind from which we then tend to subtract and judge ourselves as well as others from that point. For example, let's take the usual template, "Sharmaji ka beta" - an ideal child who never talks back to his parents, excels everywhere from school work, sports to art and music, gets admission in the IIT or IIM and then joins a large company. There are parents who will compare their child to such an image of an ideal child. They give this idealized image one hundred points and then gradually subtract from that. This leads to dissatisfaction and complaints.

Instead, the parents can refrain from comparing their child to anyone else, see him/her for who actually he/she is, and be glad and grateful for that. Without taking away points from some idealized image, they could start from zero, from the level of being.

In another way, when we speak of contribution to others, it doesn't matter if the contribution is a visible one or not. You are not the one to decide if your contributions are of use. That is the task of other people. All we need is the subjective sense that 'I am of use to someone.' There comes a time in each one of our life, when we can no longer serve as the provideror breadwinner - when one gets older, one may have no choice but to live off one's pension or support from one's children. Even when one is young - injury, poor health or mental illness can lead to not being able to work any longer. On such occasions those who accept themselves only on the level of acts are more severely damaged than those who can accept themselves at the level of being. They still find a meaning, a courage to live a happy life.

Happiness comes from feelings of contribution. But this feeling of contribution that actually leads to happiness is always better if it comes from 'level of being' than from the 'level of act.'

Dr. Saumendu Bhattacharjee
Presentation Coach, Micmellows

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Micmellows Monday blog: 'Hara Hachi Bu'

2nd Nov 2022. A red letter day in my life. It was Assam Medical College's Platinum Jubilee Alumni celebration night. As a part of an 8 member troupe of 1992 batch, I danced on stage for the very first time in 49 years of my existence here on earth. In fact leaving aside one, Dr. Anup Pow, rest 7 of us - Dr. Akriba, Dr. Seema, Dr. Malabika, Dr Bulu, Dr. Hiren, Dr. Sanjeev and I never thought of doing any such thing even in our wildest of dreams.

But we did. In fact, candid enough, we rocked the stage. Audience just erupted in sheer ecstasy as the dance concluded. Alumni, both young and old queued up outside the auditorium to take a photograph with us. A day later the dance went viral on social media, with more than ten thousand viewership on Facebook alone.

Now looking back, as I wondered what was so special about that performance that caught the audience's imagination, a myriad of things crossed my mind. Our planning was meticulous. It was well choreographed. We practiced hard. The dress selection, specially for the Senorita number, was superb. We were lucky to be on stage, at the prime time, 8.30pm. Yet, I believe, something more than that, took this presentation from good to great.

If any one of you have missed that performance, just have a look, here is the link - https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10218657262021079&id=1783900560&mibextid=Nif5oz

Yes,if you have noticed carefully, it was a performance of just 12 minutes 25 seconds, and there lay the miracle. An equally well choreographed, well practiced, well executed performance followed us, by another alumni batch, but it took 35 minutes.

There lies the concept of 'Hara Hachi Bu' the Japanese expression concerning healthy eating habits. 'Hara Hachi Bu' means, "eat until 80 percent full." I have been following this principle for quite some time and believe me, I am more satisfied with my meal and post meal time. I don't feel sleepy after lunch or dinner and feel more active after that.

This principle of 'Hara Hachi Bu' in fact applies beyond our eating habits - to the length of speeches, presentations, meetings or any stage performances. No matter how much time you are given, it's wise not to go beyond your allotted time. In reality, finish it a bit before your time is up. Our allotted time was 15 minutes and we finished our performance well before that, leaving the audience on a high, yearning for a little more.

But this concept is difficult to follow. Why ?

It has more to do with our formal education, where we were repeatedly told "More is better." A 10 - page paper is likely to get a higher grade than a 5 - page answer sheet. We followed this paradigm into our adulthood. Whenever we stand in front of an audience to deliver a scientific presentation, due to our ingrained intent to leave our audience satisfied, motivated, inspired, more knowledgeable, we deliver an hour long presentation with 25 presentation slides filled with 12 bullet point texts on each slide. This leads to what we famously call 'death by presentation.'

Professional entertainers know this well. They never go beyond 90% of their allotted time. As a matter of fact our concentration takes a hit beyond 15 to 20 minutes.

Length matters. One of the best speeches in American history - Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg address lasted for just two minutes thirty seconds, whereas Edward Everett, the other speaker on that occasion spoke for nearly two hours, without anyone remembering anything out of that.

Friends, remember this unique concept of 'Hara Hachi Bu', while you are eating, speaking, dancing, writing or performing any art in front of an audience. It is better to leave your stomach, or for that matter, your audience yearning for a bit more, rather than leaving them stuffed with head spinning and gut aching.

Dr. Saumendu Bhattacharjee
Presentation Coach, Micmellows

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