25/02/2022
Some great advice from Dr. Mary O'Kane to help with this inevitable, tricky conversation. 💔💔🇺🇦🇺🇦
How to Talk to Children about War in the Ukraine
I have received many messages from parents over the past few days asking how to speak to their children about war. One mother who noticed in her son’s online search history - 'will Ireland be involved in WW3'. Another whose child was told by a friend that World War 3 had started. And another whose 18-year-old son was concerned that we might need to start army conscription in Ireland.
Our children have spent the last two years living through a pandemic. So, their beliefs that the world is a safe place have already been rocked. It is not surprising that another situation which challenges their feelings of safety would provoke anxiety. So, should we speak to our children about war, and if so, how should we have these conversations?
We do not want to introduce the idea of war to our younger children, so I would start by recommending that parents limit news exposure in the home. However, we should also be aware that it is very possible that children will hear about the current situation, whether this is from a friend on the playground, a news or radio report, or listening to family conversations. Although as parents we often focus on a desire to protect children from information that might worry them, it is best to have a conversation with them about these events rather than leaving them to try to process what they are hearing alone.
Start the conversation when you are calm yourself. We are our children’s safe space. We are their port in the storm. Speaking in a calm and reassuring manner is important. Your calm presence will help them to process this event, and their connection to you will help them to register safety.
Start by gently asking them what they have heard about the Ukraine. If they are oblivious to these events, that is fine, no need to burden them. However, they may well have heard about this and want to talk. Try to let them lead the conversation. For younger children answer questions as honestly as you can, without giving them too many details. Don’t avoid questions but answer them in an age-appropriate way [There is a war, far away in the Ukraine. We are not in any danger here, but we are worried about the people in the Ukraine]. It is OK not to have all the answers, and to tell them that you will try to find the answers to their questions and come back to them. It is also OK to say that war can be confusing and complicated, and we really don’t fully understand why something has happened.
It is natural for them to feel concern for their own family and friends. Remind them that this is taking place far from them, as for a young child the knowledge that this is far away will help to reassure them. Indeed, the continuation of normal family life will also help them to register safety – normal family routine can be a source of comfort in stressful times. Those routines and rituals can help children feel that their own world is still safe and predictable.
For older children, again the most important thing is to listen to their fears or worries and use age-appropriate language to respond. Allow them time and space to tell you how they feel. If they are feeling anxious and afraid, let them know that this is completely normal. Be as honest as you can, but also try to remind them of the good in the world. Remind them that when they have any other questions to come back to you to talk again.
Teenagers will have a much better understanding of the implications of these events. They will have studied history in school and have a greater awareness of the implications of war. Talk to them about harmful stereotypes. Remind them that not all people from Russia support these events, so they should try not to generalise. Also, remind them that everything they see on social media is not necessarily accurate. You might even want to speak to them about some reputable sources of information if they are interested in learning further. However, as with younger children, be mindful of limiting the time they spend watching, or listening to, news reports.
All children are different, some might be very anxious, others not so concerned. For those who are worried, encourage them to talk about their emotions. Give them some ideas of tools to use if they are feeling overwhelmed - for example, breathing exercises; listening to music; drawing; getting outdoors. For those who are very worried, it can also help at times of difficulty to know that they can do something positive. This could be donating to a charity to support children in the Ukraine, lighting a candle in your home to show support, or teens might speak to their peers about doing something together to show support. Doing something positive can remind your child that they can make a difference to children directly impacted. It can also help them feel less anxious or helpless.
Finally, the most important tool we have to support our children in difficult times is our relationship with them. Our time and attention, our listening ear, our calm presence, are all key to help them make sense of difficult events. Our connection to our child can help them to register safety in the face of difficult situations.
♯PerfectlyImperfectParenting
♯ConnectionNotPerfection
