Get Back on Life Coaching

How meditation (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy) taught me

We can approach people pleasing in a mental way by:
- understanding why you are doing it
- focusing on your future and the benefit for you to say no
- acknowledging that a NO is an opportunity to get more information about the relationship
- telling yourself that a NO is a way to tell the truth to the person but most importantly to yourself.

But depending on where we are in our journey, especially at the beginning, we can still face difficulties. Even if we agree to these statements intellectually, we cannot help it, we are saying yes automatically before checking on ourselves. We are still putting everybody's needs before us. Therefore, we can come back to the most basic thing: our body.

Before my coach certification, I attended a meditation course. One exercise particularly helped me and drew my attention. Since it is available online on Youtube, let me share it with you (link below). It is called a three minute Responsive Breathing Space. This meditation uses the breath as a point of focus and anchor to experience our body sensation during or after a challenging event.

It can be used in addition to my previous posts, especially “Stepping back & Don’t feel bad about them! Really?”. In these lasts, it was about pausing and having an awareness of discomfort. This exercise covers both topics and can help you to train yourself to face this emotion. No need to worry about the fact that you already replied yes or you don’t feel you have time to step back (for now), you can come back to the last time you faced discomfort. So go back to the last time you wanted to say no and see how it feels in your body.

Slowly, step by step, like a workout training, it will train you to stay with it, to get used to it. Eventually, it will help you to give you more space to work on the mental part. How did it go for you? Let me know your comments.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTJK_ZRq6Ko&t=206s

Another way to look a the word selfish

When we want to say no, we often face discomfort as people pleaser. In my previous posts, I explained some reasons behind (self-worth, controlling other people's feelings) and how saying yes is a way to make this negative feeling temporarily disappear. But let’s focus on one aspect of the discomfort: people’s judgement. At some extend, this thought: “If I don’t say yes, they will see me as selfish”.

In our society, selfishness is perceived as negative. Just take for example this definition: “adjective (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure”. Is it pretty sexy, isn't it? If it is not aligned with your values and belief system, this is not the path you want to take. So you are more inclined to say yes all the time. The problem when you say yes when you want to say no, you are acting from a space of negative self-judgement (during and/or after) and resentment. You end up physically and mentally exhausted.

So what if you can step back and change the perspective on the word selfish.
- Self-care: Being (a little bit) selfish can allow you take the time to take care of yourself. Like sleeping, recharge yourself so that you can be fully functional. In the end you will give more.
- Truth: Being (a little bit) selfish is also a way to be true to them but also to yourself. You are considering both parties.

I insist on (a little bit). I am not asking to make a 100 % drastic U-Turn and saying no to everything. I am just offering to consider checking with yourself first, on your energy level and on your own truth, before taking any decision.

What being out of our judgement can teach us

We often found out that we are better at advising our friends than ourselves. They often come back to us by thanking us for our precious advice and how it helped them. On the other hand, we sometimes don’t even apply our advice to ourselves. We explain this by the fact that it is easier for us to be out of the picture. There are less risks involved.

A few days ago, one of my favorite coaches asked this simple but powerful question: “ok tell me now, if you were me, what would you do?”. A lot of ideas come out of my mind… I would do this, I would do that etc. I have such admiration for her. To my point of view, she is strong, dedicated, fearless when it comes to taking action. At that moment, I borrowed these kinds of superpowers to imagine more impactful actions.

But, in these two situations, there is no self-judgement starting with the word “BUT”: “but it won’t work”, “but I am always like that”, “but there is nothing I can do”, “but it is too hard”, “but it is impossible”. And this is the reason why these ideas were allowed to come up.

Therefore, when a challenge comes put yourself in the shoes of one of your models/mentors and try to find solutions: “What would she/he do? How she/he would react?”. You can do the same by imaging yourself as your best friend/relative: “What advice would he/she give me?”. You will be in a space of full support, love and compassion.

In the end, all the ideas you just find out are the result of the mental construct you build without judgement, fear, or any conditioning. It is your creation. It is yours. You actually can implement these ideas. When we let go of our self-judgement, we create more space and energy to connect to ourselves. By redirecting our attention on what is possible, it allows us to be more creative and find different ideas to change the situation.

Our own level of madness and how it can serve us...

Beside coaching, I have a passion for surfing. To do so, I hike in the mountains to reach a remote beach, I wake up at 6.00 am, I am in the water at 7.00 am and I surf for a minimum of 4 hours. I do this almost every weekend during the winter season. Some people would tell me that I am mad. But, I would say the same to someone, who runs every day to prepare for a marathon, swims 10 kms in an open ocean, meditates for more than 30 min, cooks all day to prepare dinner, fishes all day or switches off her/his phone for one day. The point is that we all have our perspective on what matters to us and how “mad/focus” we can be about it. There is one thing these examples have in common: we accept discomfort to happen, be there and to go along with us for the reasons behind (our greater reasons). For example, we want to feel good. We want to relax. We want to be healthier. We want to be better, feel accomplished.

In people pleasing, it is similar, we can endure everything to please everyone. We accept to transfer the discomfort on us to reach that goal. Some people would tell you that you are mad to always say yes.

In my previous posts, I explain the whys: the feelings, the validation, the self-worth we try to achieve. In this post, I want to offer you that all the energy to stop pleasing people is already within you. Drop the judgement and how mad you can be on yourself for a second. When you try to please the world, you turn your own life upside down, you give up everything, you find solutions for these people at all costs. In the end, you are dedicated, committed and creative. You are an overachiever!

To face the discomfort and the fear of saying no you can build your confidence on your current passion but also the energy and creativity you spend when you are pleasing people. When we are judging ourselves negatively we tend to forget our own skills and capabilities. You can then channel this energy to take back the control of your life. To know more about my program and how it can help you, feel free to contact me for a free coaching session.

Don’t feel bad about them! Really?

Have you ever heard this advice: “Don’t feel bad about them, it will be fine, just say no”. It would be so simple. But Instead of that you tell yourself: “No it is not ok, I don’t want them to feel bad, it is my responsibility”. So why is this recipe not working?

- Discomfort
How does it sound to have people around you that are in a bad mood? It is not that great, right? So our natural response is to try to arrange that. We tell ourselves that if we say yes and meet their needs, they will feel great and therefore we will feel ok. In the end, what we are trying to arrange ourselves is the way we will feel.

- Some perspectives to help
When we try to please someone at all costs, we are not ourselves. How does it sound if someone is not herself/himself when she/he helps you?
When we are so focused on the end result we lose sight of what it will cost us. We realised that afterwards and then we judge ourselves badly for what we have done.
The thing is that we cannot control other people's behavior. The way they feel is not under our control. Based on what we are doing, they react the way they want to react. A reaction that you don’t try to manipulate is the best indication on where the relationship is for you.

- A weapon to justify our nos?

Don’t get me wrong, this post is not intended to give you a weapon to say no. The goal is to give you awareness on why you say yes as a people pleaser and help you to check within you from which place you want to act. From a place of fear of discomfort with the only intention to make someone else feel good or from a place of love and support where you are yourself no matter how they would react?

These moments you don’t feel like doing it but did it anyway that can inspire us..

There are times we don’t feel like doing things but when we find the courage to do it we often don’t regret it. I am thinking about things like going out for a meetup, hitting the gym, going for a walk, a run or a swim (the best sensation ever when you enter the water for the first time…). Once we are in it, we keep on doing it and we finally feel so proud. So what happened? We thought about the future, the benefit of doing it. Despite the discomfort, we went for it. It was not that pleasant but it brought us a new experience. It was better than doing nothing or wondering whether we should go or not.

In people pleasing, we often believe that we need to get rid of the discomfort in order to say no with confidence. We need to feel good. What if, like a workout, there will still be (a bit of) the discomfort to say no. What if by thinking about all the ways we could show up differently in our life, it could be worth a try? What if, by overcoming it, there will be some benefits.

And remember, on the other side, by saying yes, there will still be discomfort. Discomfort for us, how to cope with our life, schedule, arrangements and commitments. For now, we prefer to deal with our discomfort because we are so used to it. We also don’t want to transfer it out of us. So let’s give a try and see how it goes...

Stepping back

As people pleaser, we sometimes instantly say yes. It is kind of automatic. We treat it as an emergency. Right after, we asked ourselves what we have just done and how we are gonna cope with our current planning. We give up all for what has been asked. We put us behind. We end up exhausted.

So when it happens, just reply “let me get back to you, let me think about it”. It allows you to have time to reflect on that. Ask yourself why you want to do this and list all the reasons. It could be a simple reason like I want to be nice, I don’t want to be selfish, I want to please him/her, I don’t want him/her to be upset. Then, explore the possibility to say no. What comes up to you? What holds you on saying yes? Finally, visualise the impact on your schedule.

But don’t get me wrong the goal is not to beat yourself up right after this exercise. The goal is to give you more awareness about your whys and concerns, take back ownership and open up to alternatives/strategies.

The reasons why we say yes when we want to say no.

When it comes to please people even if internally we don't want to, there is a conflict that happens within us. But we can't help it, we feel helpless. It seems that there is an bigger force than our will that drives us to say yes. So why didn't we say no and be aligned with what we thought in the moment?

1/Our worthiness in our culture:

Since we are born, we are looking for being validated. Just look at school, to move forward we needed to be above an average mark or reach a minimum rank. The intuitive first experiences to join a group of friends was more about having a minimum of common values and being accepted by the tribe. When it comes to our parents, the best way to be at peace was to follow what they told us to do. Nowadays, to judge the performance of our work we need to reach "Key Performance Indicators" like profit margin, closed deals, new clients etc. I am not here to judge this mindset because it helps us to move forward in life and makes us what we are now. But if is the only reference to appreciate our worthiness it may not serve us when it comes to people pleasing. Indeed, saying yes equal being validated equal having value in this world.

2/What we are trying to avoid.

What would be the others potential consequences? Hum well, we can think about things like "they will judge me, they won't like me, they will think I am selfish". In other words, we are afraid of their judgement and being rejected. In the ancient times, being rejected of the tribe and being on our own was almost equivalent to death. The primal reaction of our brain is still to avoid it at all cost.

3/What we are trying to control

An other aspect would be that : "we are responsible for them, they won't be happy, they will be upset". In this moment, we feel some discomfort dealing with how they possibly will feel or react. The best way to get rid of this discomfort and not to face their reaction is to... say yes.

4/So what to do?

What helped me so far is to explore the worst case scenario. What if I am being rejected, what if they judge me badly, what if they get upset... What does it looks like and is it a big deal? I also remembered myself that is a mental construct for now and may be far from the reality. Most of the times, people don't even bother and move on. And finally, if people turn their back on you based on your no(s), is this relationship worth your effort to nurture it ?

What comes up to you? Let me know your remarks, comments or questions. If you want to dive deeper and work with me, let's talk about it during a free coaching session.

The importance of giving yourself... More importance

When you feel that you have too much on your plate, have you ever ask yourself why you said yes to everything that came to you? It concerned you because you are tired, you have no time left for you. You end up giving up the things that matter to you. What is interesting here is how we can diminishes ourselves in terms of priority when it comes to us and our goals in life.

But there are times that we arrange to make time and there is no alternative choices. For example, it could be waking up and showing up on time at work, picking up your kids at school, having an appointment with your client, meeting the deadline of a project. In these moments, we can and we say no to any other things. The key here is to notice the importance we give to these "tasks or duties". Ultimately, what drives us to act are the consequences related if we don't do that.

So what if you change your perspectives and include yourself in the clients list of the things (you choose) to do. What if you consider yourself as important as them. As an exercise, try to set up a appointment with yourself when there will be only you, a time dedicated to something that really matter to you.

What comes up to you? Don't hesitate to leave your comment. If you want to know more about it and work on that with me, feel free to contact me for a free coaching session.