11/09/2021
The other day, my daughter Ayo (4.5yo) fell off her bike and broke her front tooth on the concrete, she had to have it removed by the dentist.
As a trauma-informed Mama, I'd like to share a few things that I did to reduce chances of traumatisation.
✨ 1. RELAX MY FACE and SLOW DOWN: our children read our face to judge how bad their accident was. When we run to them in panic looking horrified or worried, they freak out.
It's not easy to do, but the slower we act and the more relaxed we are, the better it is for them. Stay grounded, Mama, feel your feet.
✨ 2. LET THEM CRY (with you)
It's a normal and healthy reaction for them to cry after falling over or hurting themselves: it helps their body release the fear and the stress they just went through. We don't want to interrupt this healthy healing mechanism.
If anything urgent needs to happen for their safety, by all means we need to do it, but we want to allow them to cry as much as they need to (or give them the opportunity to cry later on that day).
After her fall, I sat in the car with her for 30-40 minutes, simply being present, hugging her and letting her process her emotions, until she fully calmed down.
✨ 3. NORMALISE THE SHAKING/TREMBLING
After a shock or stress, the body will naturally start to shake gently, from the inside. It feels like "I'm cold" and we're tempted to put blankets on and energetically rub their back. What I recommend instead is that we normalise the shaky feelings and invite them to let it happen naturally, to not brace against it. It will stop by itself, once all the tension is released.
The pain usually decreases as the tension in the muscles lessens.
After 30-40min of me supporting her through the many waves of tears (they come and go) and normalising her trembling, her eyes were relaxed (not wide open in shock anymore), the pain was gone, and she felt hungry.
✨ 4. EXPLAIN AND LISTEN
Explain to your child what is going to happen next, simply and honestly. If the doctor needs to do something that will be a bit painful, it's important to be honest and to let the child know that it's going to be a bit painful.
Listen to your child's feelings without dismissing them: it's ok to be scared, it's ok not to want the doctors near her, let her know that you get it, that you understand how she feels, give her the time to cry if she needs to and to calm down before going any further. Ask the doctor to wait until she's calm again before going further, slow things down.
✨ 5. GIVE HER CHOICES
Our children can feel very powerless during a medical intervention. Giving them some choices can help them feel a bit more in power. For instance, I've asked my daughter "How would you like me to support you while you're on the dentist chair? Shall I give you a feet massage or tell you a story?" And "Do you want me to carry you on the chair, or do you want to climb on it yourself?"
✨ 6. MAKE IT FUN
I know it can be hard to think about funny things, but laughing and taking her imagination into a magical world can greatly help her relax and reduce her fears.
My daughter loves acrobatics. Before we went into the dentist's room, I've asked her: "Should we setup a trapeze on the ceiling of the dentist room? Maybe the dentist is an acrobat too and she'll be able to take care of your teeth while hanging upside down?" She's lit up, smiled and suggested that we'd also put the chair on a swinging platform so she can swing with the dentist too!
When I could feel she was getting tensed during the medical intervention, I've reminded her that her dentist is an acrobat ;-)
✨ 7. TRUST THEIR CAPACITY TO HEAL
The message I always give to my daughter, no matter if it's a little scratch or a broken bone is: "your body knows how to heal". Let's slow down and trust its process.
✨ 8. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS TOO
It's so very stressful to see our little ones hurting and in the hand of medical staff. Make sure that you call a friend or share with your spouse how you're feeling and to allow yourself to have a good cry too.
To finish, I'd like to paraphrase Peter Levine, creator of Somatic Experiencing (trauma healing):
👉 "Trauma is not in the event itself, it's in the physiology".
By that he means that children (it's true for adults too) don't necessarily get traumatised when they go through a scary/painful event. Slowing things down and supporting their body's natural healing process is often enough to avoid traumatisation.
You've got this, Mama
