29/06/2013
ENJOY THE MATH JOKES
1) A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the University on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
“Where did you get the bike from?” his friends asked.
“It’s a `thank you’ present”, he explains, “from that freshman girl I’ve been tutoring."
Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled at me, and said: "You can get from me whatever you desire!’”
One of his friends remarks: “You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle.”
“Yeah”, another friend adds, “just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl’s clothes – and they wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”
2) Several scientists were asked to prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime. Just to be sure, try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an approximation to a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer (reading the output on the screen): 3 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 3 a is prime, 3 is a prime....
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
Chemist (or Dan Quayle): What's a prime?
Politician: "Some numbers are prime.. but the goal is to create a kinder, gentler society where all numbers are prime... "
Programmer: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working on this program, ya know... now if management would just get me that new workstation that just came out, I'd be done by now... etc., etc. ..."
(Two is the oddest prime of all, because it's the only one that's even!)
3) Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said,
"The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth
does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"
Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."
4) A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting at a sidewalk
cafe, watching people going in and out of the house across the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After
a while, they notice three people coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist concludes: "They must have reproduced."
The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters
the house, it will be empty again!"
5) Theorem : Perfect Squares Don´t Exist -
Proof : Suppose that n is a perfect square. Look at the odd divisors of n.
They all divide the largest of them, which is itself a square, say d^2.
This shows that the odd divisors of n come in pairs a, b, where ab = d^2.
Only d is paired to itself.Therefore the number of odd divisors of n is odd.
This implies that the sum of all divisors of n is also odd. In particular, it is not 2n.
Hence n is not perfect, a contradiction : Perfect squares don´t exist. QED.
6) The Deadly Differential Operator
A constant (linear) function and an exponential function are out walking, when,
off in the distance, they spot a differential operator. The constant function cries
out, turns around, and runs away. The exponential function quickly follows.
The exponential function asks, "Hey, come on, what's the matter? Don't you
want to meet her?" The constant function replies, "Well... no. She's a differential
operator. If we meet, she'll differentiate me, and there'll be nothing left of me!"
The exponential function nods. "Okay, then; I'll go and talk to her. She doesn't
scare me -- I'm e to the x!" With that, the exponential function walks, alone, to
the oncoming differential operator. He introduces himself, "Hi! I'm e to the x."
The differential operator replies, "Hi! I'm d/dy."
7) A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
8) Psychologists subject an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician - a topologist, by the way - to an experiment: Each of them is locked in a room for a day - hungry, with a can of food, but without an opener; all they have is pencil and paper.
At the end of the day, the psychologists open the engineer's room first. Pencil and paper are unused, but the walls of the room are covered with dents. The engineer is sitting on the floor and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open.
The physicist is next. The paper is covered with formulas, there is one dent in the wall, and the physicist is eating, too: He calculated how exactly to throw the can against the wall, so that it would crack open.
When the psychologists open the mathematician's room, the paper is also full of formulas, the can is still closed, and the mathematician has disappeared. But there are strange noises coming from inside the can...
Someone gets an opener and opens the can. The mathematician crawls out. "Damn! I got a sign wrong..."
9) In a class, a math professor claims that he can prove everything under the assumption that 1+1=1.
A student challenges him: "Then prove that you're the pope!"
He ponders for a moment and then replies: "I am one, and the pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one."
10) PROBLEM SOLVED!--ANOTHER MATHEMATICAL SUCCESS STORY!
A Priest, Rabbi and a Mathematician were waiting patiently on stage to be decapitated.
The priest put his head in the slot and the ex*****oner pulled the lever; the guillotine blade came speeding down the track and stopped just a few inches above the priest neck. The priest proclaimed that God had intervened and saved him from ex*****on; the ex*****oner had to agree and let him go.
The mathematician had a disbelieving, puzzled, look on his face.
Next the Rabbi put his head in the slot, the ex*****oner pulled the lever and the blade came speeding down the track and stopped a few inches above the Rabbi's neck. The ex*****oner agreed that God had intervened again and saved the Rabbi also.
The Mathematician, more troubled than ever, put his head in the slot and turned to look upward and he noticed something that made him smile.
Before the ex*****oner could pull the lever, the mathematician said "Hold on there a minute, I see what the problem is! The track has a small pebble blocking the path of the blade". He removed the pebble and announced, "There, it should work just fine now!"
