31/03/2021
Whether a shout or a whisper, hearing “NO” can frustrating for parents and make us feel powerless. Oppositionality can come from a variety of root causes and it depends on the age of the child (i.e., it is more common in preschoolers than grade school children). Regardless, there are a few things you can do to diffuse and work your way back to cooperation.
1. LAUGHTER IS OFTEN THE BEST MEDICINE. Responding with playfulness, such a silly face or voice, chasing your child gleefully around the house, or starting a tickle war can be the key to melting your child’s opposition as it decreases cortisol (stress hormones) production and increases oxytocin (a bonding hormone) in the brain.
2. FRAME WHAT YOU WANT AS CHOICES not as a demand. Ensure both choices lead you to what you need completed (we don’t want to give your child the choice to eat dinner or not). Giving your child that small bit of autonomy can go a long way! IE: Bedtime - “What would you rather do first, brush your teeth or put on your pjs”
3. EMPATHY SHOULD ALWAYS BE GIVEN. How is your child feeling that they had a 'no' in them? Before responding to the behavior, respond with empathy and see what your child does. IE: “You’re frustrated because you want to stay up later like your big sister; it doesn’t feel fair.” Once a child feels seen and heard their reactivity will often decrease (although they may need a good cry first, and that’s healthier than an aggressive “no”).
4. TAKE CONTROL IF IT’S A SAFETY ISSUE. Sometimes our children don’t have a choice. If they are hurting a pet or a sibling, and you ask them to stop and you get a “no”, you may need to physically remove them from the situation and then follow-up with a small explanation and empathic statement.
5. PAUSE AND ASK YOURSELF WHY is my child being defiant? It’s a common response when children are in the preschool years as they are practicing being autonomous, Children are also naturally oppositional when they are sick, tired, feeling overwhelmed, or feel disconnected from their attachment figures. We have to ask ourselves, is my child in a frame of mind to give me a yes?
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