Krackerjack

Learning how to live with our emotions

So much of the challenge of life is learning to live with our emotions. When babies are born, they need our help to soothe themselves. Their emotions are all encompassing, all consuming, and their parents are there to show them that it will be okay. We rock them and making soothing noises.

Then as they get older, the adult focus shifts to behaviour. The tantrumming toddler isn’t seen as distressed, they are seen as behaving badly, and sometimes even manipulative. ‘Don’t give them their own way or they’ll never learn’ their parents are told. Ignore the behaviour and they’ll stop doing it, goes the logic.

By the time they get to school, we behave as if behaviour has nothing to do with emotions. In fact, we use a child’s emotional responses in order to manipulate their behaviour. If we disapprove, we make them feel bad with consequences and shame. If we approve, we make them feel good with rewards and connection.

For a child who finds managing their emotions hard, it’s just got harder. When they express their emotions through behaviour, the adults around them don’t help. Instead they pile on more emotions and pressure.

It’s up to the child to manage their emotions. Some of them learn that their feelings aren’t acceptable and so their feelings become a threat. Many of them learn to shut their feelings away where they can’t be seen.

Once you are afraid of your emotions, you are never really safe. You can’t live a life without emotions, no matter how hard you try. You might try really hard, because you believe that your emotions are dangerous - but the harder you try, the more dangerous those emotions feel. Anxiety is everywhere.

How can we do something different with our children? That’s what I’m addressing in my next webinar. How parents can help their children with anxiety - and all of their emotions. Yes. it's recorded.

Illustration by Becky Whinnerah ().

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/helping-your-child-with-anxiety-6-13-tickets-662392051457?aff=oddtdtcreator

No one wants a 'rude' child.
And no one wants to appear 'rude'.
We want our family and friends to feel welcome.
We want our children to like them.
Sometimes it feels we are managing so much, the expectations of many.
The juggling or expectations versus reality..

Join Dr Naomi Fisher and myself on Monday eve for our next webinar on managing Other People.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/the-art-of-low-demand-parenting-other-people-tickets-662376675467?aff=ebdsoporgprofile

Brain wiring could be behind learning difficulties, say experts Scientists say current system for labelling children with difficulties is ‘too simple’

It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? For thousands of years, humans lived, worked, played and learned in groups of various ages. A child was just as likely to spend time with his grandmother, as he was to be in the company of a younger child. What was odd, was finding anyone spending most of their time exclusively with their peer age group.
And then, the modern education system, being wise and efficient, sorted children into classrooms based on age. This way all 9-year-olds could learn at a 9-year-old’s level.
Only, not all 9-year-olds learn at the same pace. Some might be better suited with the seven-year-olds in maths or the 13-year-olds in English. Some may still want to play imaginary games at recess, while others have grown too mature for such trivialities.
This classroom thinking has leaked into every area of our lives. The idea that children should only play with others of their own age, is a very recent one. When viewed through a different lense it seems odd. Consider that after reaching adulthood our friends begin to spread out over a variety of ages.
One of my greatest joys is seeing the different ages at our Wild+Free outings playing together. Big teens helping toddlers cross creeks, small people having a voice even with the older children. There is no hierarchy, just children playing. The older children show the little ones how to construct lean-to forts. The smaller children point out mushrooms and insects and everyone oohs and ahhs. They are an organic community. Similar interests unite them into friendships, not age brackets.
The benefits for all are wonderful. Older kids have the freedom to tarry in childhood a bit longer. Younger kids have a wise companion to help and teach them. Older children benefit from the responsibilities of leadership and nurturing. Young ones benefit from the attention and care of “the big kids”.
What a beautiful childhood for all.




🖼: “Wherever he said, ‘Come,’ I stepped in faith” by Honor C Appleton 1879-1951

What stimming can look like (not exhaustive):

Humming, snapping fingers repeatedly, pacing, whistling, repetitive blinking, rocking, picking, joint-cracking, staring off into space, tapping your pencil, grinding teeth, chewing on inedible items, walking on tiptoe, making sounds, complex body movements, punching objects, jumping, hand-flapping, sniffing or licking objects, spinning, nail-biting, tapping, fidgeting, head-banging, repeating words or phrases.

Image credit: Molly of Me myself and ADHD

We can all sow seeds, and even more, we can create social, mental and emotional environments where the act of sowing seeds is normalised 🌱

This involves the development of - , which Bandura defined as “people's beliefs about their capabilities to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events that affect their lives.” Your child’s belief in their own ability to do something, find resources, gain knowledge and problem-solve is key to understanding their own self-efficacy.

There are many strategies we can use to support our children’s sense of efficacy. Adult encourages self-efficacy by helping children connect what they are doing with how the world is reacting to their behaviour. self-efficacy ourselves is also impactful, because children observe how we approach tasks. And a third strategy to use involves ways of tasks for children that are age/stage appropriate so that children have an opportunity to pursue success.

Try these specific strategies:

🌱 Giving children choices and encourage new explorations.
🌱 Giving children responsibility, an opportunity for success.
🌱 Giving children an enriched environment at home, childcare and in school.
🌱 Giving children time to repeat experiences and hone skills.
🌱 Encourage mastery, competence and high quality outcomes, even if the outcome is sub-optimal. You and your child can view this as a high quality outcome because you learned something new about the process. Seeing the result as a positive outcome and a learning experience, and talking about the processes and trying again is an example of self-efficacious behaviour.

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