Feelbrilliant

“But how do I get the confidence to do it on my own?”

My client looked perplexed. She said that when we were together she felt she could breeze through a big project - but in-between our sessions she would freeze.

How could she feel more confident when I wasn’t there to give her a pep talk? Was the answer for her to ‘fake it until you make it’?

Certainly not. I’m not a big fan of that phrase. It implies that there is something missing. That you are lacking what you need to be a success.

I believe the opposite.

I believe that you have everything you need inside you already. So, instead of plastering on a fake smile or some kind of veneer that just isn’t you, remember who you are.

Remember that you have a big gorgeous brain.
Remember that you have your own unique way of doing and being.
Remember all your years of experience and brilliant skills.
Remember all the wonderful quirks and qualities that make you YOU.

There’s no-one else like you in the whole wide world.
And you can do this. Even if you are scared. Actually, especially if you are scared.

Dive on in and do it anyway. The sooner you start, the sooner you will find your groove.
Don’t spend any more energy on worrying and putting it off.

Just remember who you are.
And kick it’s ar*e.

(And if you are feeling pressured and need to lighten your mood, you can always say: “Remember who you are” to yourself in a deep, booming Mufasa voice à la Lion King. Works for me).

Give your self-belief a boost “But how do I get the confidence to do it on my own?” My client looked perplexed. She said that when we were together she felt she...

Hey, guess what? I’m not going to ask you to reflect, set goals or generally go anywhere near resolutions. If that’s your bag there are LOADS of other posts knocking about that’ll help you put that chocolate bar down, scope out a masterplan for the next six months and mainly take over the world.

In a daring dash away from the norm, I have a proposal for you that will move you forward in a gentle but effective way. (No, not that sort of proposal. I’m sure you are very attractive, but I am already married). I am going to suggest you only pick one thing to tackle in January.

One thing Jen? How on earth will that make a difference?
Have faith my friend and read on.

As my regular readers will know, I’m not a big fan of making mega plans that put too much pressure on you or look too far into the future. I invite my clients to look at today. What’s working, what’s not. What’s in the front of their heads and what’s been lurking at the back for ages.

And on that note, what’s the one thing you would like to start doing in January? Yes, we are talking traditional January habit change stuff – but without a terrifying all or nothing mentality. I’m not asking you to give anything up. I’m asking you to ADD something positive to your daily routine.

Have you got something in mind? Excellent stuff.
Next step is to follow this checklist.

1) How will this one thing shift your day-to-day quality of life for the better?
2) What will happen if you don’t do it?
3) How are you going to make sure you keep doing it?

Make the consequences as vivid as you can and your action plan as practical and thorough as you can. (Opps, I know I said I wasn’t going to make you plan. Promise this will be worth it).

For example. In January, am going to make sure I am in bed, with my light out, at 10pm. This will:

1) Chip away at my sleep deficit, which will result in me being more able to function better, feel brighter, calmer and more able – and a lot happier and healthier by the end of the month.

2) I will continue to lurch around with twitchy eyes and a knackered brain and feel like I am not doing a great job of mumming or my best at work (yeah, I’m a coach but I’m still pretty hard on myself… working on it). I will keep watching TV or scrolling on my phone until silly o’clock in an attempt to get some headspace but not feeling any better for it.

3) I am going to set an alarm on my phone telling me to put it down at 8.30pm and that I have an hour to go until I head upstairs to clean my face, get comfy and read. I am going to tell my husband that this is the plan for January and that he has permission to boot me out of the lounge (but hey, I know that ultimately it’s up to me). I’m also going to choose a treat that I will reward myself with at the end of the month when I have successfully clocked up millions of hours of lovely, snuggly sleep.

For the record, I have been exhausted for nearly seven years now (but kids, if you are reading this, I do love you buckets). So shifting this behaviour will be no mean feat.

But this is something that really affects my quality of life, so it’s time to put the work in and change the way I go about my day (or more specifically my bedtime). I just need to put my big girl pants on, look at what I will be gaining instead of what I think I’m missing out on and FOCUS.

What will really make a difference in your life? What can you concentrate on for four short weeks that will help you feel all satisfied with yourself and put a pep in your step?

Sick of setting scary resolutions? Just do one thing in January instead. Hey, guess what? I’m not going to ask you to reflect, set goals or generally go anywhere near resolutions...

Some words of comfort and gentle advice if you are missing someone…

Have yourself a multi-emotion Christmas *Trigger warning: grief* How are you feeling? I know this time of year can be tough when you are missing someone. My Mum died on 23rd December. I joke that it was most inconvenient of her to pop off so near to the big day. Her funeral was on New Year’s Eve too, so that was also a bu**er. I was 19 ...

THREE THINGS I'VE LEARNT ABOUT IMPOSTER SYNDROME

EVERYONE HAS IT
I’ve been coaching for ten years and every single one of my clients has talked to me about imposter syndrome – worried that any minute someone will show up and say: “Oh no, no, no… you shouldn’t be here. GET OUT.” I would be so bold as to say that 99% of people experience it. The other 1% are cockwombles.

And you know what, even the most arrogant of them still have chinks of self-doubt. They just don’t admit to it.

TRYING TO SQUASH IT IS A WASTE OF TIME
Beware of anyone who tries to convince you that you can ‘cure’ imposter syndrome. Accept it exists and use your energy for something far more constructive, like building up your self-belief. What’s great about you?

Give yourself credit for your unique skills and personality. Bigging yourself up can feel cringey and unnatural at first but, done often, you get used to it. What do you have going for you already? Focus on this instead of what you think you lack.

IT CAN BE VERY USEFUL
As uncomfortable as it feels, when you feel insecure it can give you really valuable info. Dig beneath the surface to find out where your imposter syndrome roots lie.

Which situations make you nervous? Are you comparing yourself to anyone? Would you benefit from further training, preparation or coaching? What do you need to feel more confident and less icky? Ask the question, and then ask why again and again until you strike gold; the answer that makes your stomach twist.

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Do any of these three pointers strike a chord or make you feel better? If not, then read number one again. It’s not just you. The way you’re feeling is so common.

It’s also easy to believe you’re a fraud when you’re spinning multiple plates.

When you have many roles in life, your day-to-day can feel like climbing a massive sand dune in slingbacks – while simultaneously preparing a 40-slide presentation, making macaroni cheese and balancing a jug of water on your head.

No wonder that, on a rubbish day, you don’t feel like you have enough brain to go round or that you’re not good at anything.

But please trust that the opposite is true. You are doubting yourself because you care about doing things really bloody well. So your standards are already high.

My advice? Take one minute at the end of each day, before you close your eyes, to pat yourself on the back. Spot the big ticks in your day. You did those things. Notice the ripple effect you have had on other people. You made that difference.

The more you do this, the more mental muscle you will build. And the more you can reframe imposter syndrome (and then poke it in the eye and blow an optional raspberry if you wish).

Want to read more of my musings on life and how to handle it? Head to the bottom of my blog page and subscribe.

Read my blog | feelbrilliant lifecoaching My musings on life and how to handle it

Oh hello there. I’m writing a blog to tell you I don’t have time to write a blog. Stick with me… it will all make sense.

I started a new communications job last Monday and my fella has been away since Friday morning. Now I was already swaying by Thursday (tiredness not booze) before I did a full day’s coaching and then romped into a solo parenting weekend (single parents – I take my hat and everything else off to you – you are amazing).

I have had so much to do and juggle, and my head is full to bursting. I am chasing my tail. It’s a happy tail, it’s wagging away, but the rest of me is flagging.

For example, I’m scribbling this in the ten minutes I have before collecting my little girls from Rainbows. I only dropped them off three-quarters of an hour ago and I’ve inhaled my dinner and run around the house like a loon, sorting out washing and tidying up. I tell you what, if mumming was an olympic sport I would be in bronze medal position right now.

But there’s just not enough time or brain or energy to get everything done today. So something has to give.

I had a plan for my blog this week, you know; ‘Three things I’ve learnt about imposter syndrome’. But that can wait. Right now I am going to let myself off the hook.

For, as I said to one of my clients last week, coaching is not just about spurring people on. It’s also helping them to tune into what they need. It’s strengthening their resolve to treat themselves well and do what feels right. Follow their gut. And if that’s stopping to breathe and not doing something on their ‘To Do’ list, then that’s the ticket.

That doesn’t mean they’re not still driving towards their goals. It doesn’t mean they’re not challenging themselves or on track to use their full potential.

They are just in balance. They know when to push and when to back the flip off and put their bulging actions list away for a bit. Life ebbs and flows and so do we. To get the best from ourselves we need to know when to take something off our shoulders.

Speaking of which, I have two small people to pick up. And when Daddy is home, and the kids are in bed, I’m going to plonk myself in a bath AND BREATHE.

What do you need to give yourself permission NOT to do today?

What don’t you have time for today? Oh hello there. I’m writing a blog to tell you I don’t have time to write a blog. Stick with me… it will all make sense.

Are you in a November frame of mind?
Too tired, too cold or too busy to change the way you go about your everyday?
Waiting until January to ‘sort yourself out’?

You might want to think again…

Are you waiting until 1st January? Picture the scene. It’s New Year’s Day. It’s grey and gloomy. You are skint after spending your hard-earned cash...

WOMAN LOSES TWO STONE BY TRYING REALLY HARD

Not a particularly appealing headline is it? You’re far more likely to be sucked in by a link screaming: ‘Eat five cakes a day and see the weight drop off’.

But, as we all know, losing weight is not that easy. Read this blog and find out how I got my head round it…

Woman loses two stone by trying really hard *Trigger warning: this blog deals with weight loss and eating habits* Not a particularly appealing headline is it? You’re far more likely to be sucked in by a link screaming: ‘Eat five cakes a day and see the weight drop off’. But, as we all know, losing weight is not that easy. We’re famili...

ARE YOU WAITING UNTIL 1st JANUARY?
Picture the scene.
It’s New Year’s Day.
It’s grey and gloomy.

You are skint after spending your hard-earned cash on the latest gaming kit, exorbitantly-priced stocking fillers from Claire’s Accessories (£10 for a hair clip – you’re having a laugh) or multiple rounds of festive tipples.

You are most probably bloated from landing face-first in several yule logs or mini-mountains of pigs-in-blankets, and mindlessly scoffing Quality Street while dealing with the trauma of the ‘Call the Midwife’ annual winter episode.

You feel burnt out from frantic present shopping, excited children jumping on your head at 5am and a jam-packed schedule of either very merry or frankly torturous family gatherings.

You feel as faded as an old Christmas tree decoration in broad daylight. And you’re fed up. Very fed up.

So… you decide it’s the perfect time to completely overhaul your life.

NO. IT’S NOT.

‘OH YES IT IS!’ your brain cries in a panto refrain. And you decide it’s now or never.

Bring on the absolutes. You are NEVER going to do that thing again. Or you are ALWAYS going to do this thing. You feel determined, and possibly a bit panicky. But you are DOING IT.

But here’s the thing about New Year’s Resolutions. They are mostly complete waffle. Nonsense. A waste of time. Doomed to fail.

Did you know, according to research*, only 16 percent of people stick to their resolutions? Due to lack of planning, consistency or accountability, the majority of us give up within one to six weeks of starting. But despite this, many of these resolutions are repeated year after year.

And each year you make the same demands, and then fail, that chips away at the belief that you can actually shift the way your life plays out.

But have no fear, there is hope. I have a cunning plan! And I would like to share it with you. It’s a mindset thing.
Click on the yule log to read the rest of this blog (bet you haven't been asked to do that before!).

Don’t wait until January Picture the scene. It’s New Year’s Day. It’s grey and gloomy. You are skint after spending your hard-earned cash...

YOUR GUIDE TO DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

When you’re having a bad day nothing feels possible.

None of the pieces of your life seem to fit. The pieces of you don’t seem to fit.

Everything is simultaneously too much and not enough. You feel overwhelmed and yet underwhelmed by life. Frazzled yet bored.

Like searching for a grey squirrel on a foggy day with muck on your glasses, it’s not easy to see clearly when you feel like this. Your perspective has gone AWOL and every thought is draped in a black cloth.

It’s not a comfortable place to be. And we humans don’t like feeling uncomfortable. So we tend to swing one of two ways:

TURBO MODE
Quick, quick quick! What can I do to solve this? What can I do to cheer myself up? What can I buy? Where can I go? What can I drastically change?

Like a six-year-old who’s just eaten the entire contents of their trick or treat bucket, we lose our heads. Manically dashing around looking for a solution, honing in on quick fixes that don’t fix anything and being very all or nothing about the whole business.

BLANKETY BLANK
We reach for the nearest comforting thing; crap food, bottomless booze, mindless TV or the nearest warm body (hopefully someone you know and not a fellow shopper in the confectionery aisle at Tesco).

We are on a mission to blank it out and forget how we feel. Forget our dissatisfaction and swim off on a fuzzy wave of sugar and instant gratification.

The problem with both these avenues is that neither of them make anything better. They keep you emotionally stuck.

So the next time a bad day decides to plonk itself on your head, you’re in exactly the same place; reacting rather than taking a massive deep breath and feeling the feelings.

Oh yes, I’m going to go all coachy on you. I would apologise but it really is for your own good.

Trust me, the best thing you can do when you feel minging is to actually feel minging.

Let the waves of grottiness wash over you and decide to do nothing but be really, really kind to yourself. Don't’ try to solve anything or play ‘whack-a-mole’ with your emotions. Just give yourself a break.

There could be a patchwork quilt of reasons why you feel bad - but you won’t be able to see all the hexagons clearly when your head’s wonky.

Doing nothing when you feel sh*te is not easy. But the more you do it, the better you will get at it. If you can accept that you’re feeling bad without knee-jerking into a reaction, you are taking your first step towards feeling better.

And then, when you feel calmer, that’s when you can make a plan. Decide what’s going to help you spread the bad days out and get chinks of light back into your life.

Your first step could be talking to a friend. Your next one could be to work with someone like me. Either way, you don’t need to soldier on alone.

If you’d like a chat to find out how I help women use bad days to help them understand what they really want and need in their daily lives – then please do book a call with me. I’d love to help you feel brilliant again.

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