17/10/2026
I lived so much of my life in a full-on trauma response.
I just didn’t know that until much later.
When I started looking back over my life, there were a lot of things I regretted. Things I said. Things I did. Ways I reacted.
I carried a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, and remorse.
And one of the hardest parts was that I didn’t really understand why I was the way I was.
I didn’t always want to say the things I said or do the things I did. A lot of the time, I had better intentions. Better ideas. A different version of myself I wanted to be.
But somehow, that version never seemed to show up when I needed him.
What I have learned since then is to ask a different question.
What choices did I actually have at the time?
What tools did I have? What support did I have? What understanding did I have? What resources were available to help me respond differently?
And when I look at it that way, the story changes.
A lot of the guilt, shame, and remorse I carried was never really mine to hold in the way I did.
I was doing the best I could with what I had.
That does not mean everything I did was okay.
It means I can take responsibility without hating myself for being a person who did not yet have the tools to do better.
There is a difference.
So when you look back over your own life, go easy.
Give yourself some grace.
Give yourself the compassion of understanding that you were making decisions with the tools, awareness, support, and capacity you had at the time.
Sometimes healing is not changing the past.
Sometimes it is finally understanding the person who lived through it.
Matt 🫶
PTSD The War Within
