05/09/2023
Upon entering my 80th year of an ultra successful existence, I wish to share my secrets of living a great life:
1. Drink every kind of alcohol you can think of for your entire life. When you start getting older slow down to only a 2 Liter bottle of wine per day. People will tell you you’re an alcoholic, but don’t pay it any mind. You know better.
2. Get a good education and become a teacher. That way you will always feel superior to everyone and you can tell everybody what to do. You will have no situations in your life that you cannot deal with because you’re in total control. 
3. Find a really good front person who is a good talker even though he might be a real idiot from the lowest class of white trash imaginable. Teach him and coach him what he needs to know so he can defend you and sound reasonably intelligent even though it’s all a farce and everyone knows it.
4. Do not have children. They will only talk back to you. They make mistakes and only cause you problems. Dogs are much better because they cannot complain about you. Refer to the importance of always being in control in item number 2 above.
5. If you want to have an affair, don’t worry about it. Go right ahead. Own it. Be proud of it. But then, if somebody else in your life does the same thing, you can talk down to them because you have never been contradicted and of course you are right in all cases.
6. Always tell people you love them in person, but then make snide remarks about everyone behind their backs. That way you will end up with lots of friends. Just look at us and how many friends we have. 
7. If someone in your family chooses to divorce somebody that you like as a person, always choose the person they divorced to align yourself with. Always ridicule and belittle your family member for making such a stupid decision because, of course, you are more intelligent, and you have never been contradicted, and you are always right. 
8. Always look for the slightest imperfection in somebody’s sentence structure or grammar and belittle them for it because of course, you are more intelligent, and would never do that. Most importantly, do not write anything that can be analyzed later for a possible imperfection. Take me, for example. I have never written anything for public viewing or analysis. 
