SJA Life Coaching

Today marks the start of Lonliness Awareness Week and its a reminder about the importance of connecting with others in these times where there is such an over-reliance upon communicating by WhatsApp, text, voice messages and social media.

Lonliness doesn't have an appearance, s*x, age, race, pay bracket etc. It doesn't discriminate.

Lonliness still has some stigma attached to it and many people mask it due to things such as fear of judgement, being seen as vulnerable, fear of rejection and wanting to protect themselves. You may have people in your network whom you don't realise are very lonely.

Lonliness is linked with increased risk of having a compromised immune system and a plethora of serious physical conditions as well as various mental health conditions.

Its also closely linked with social exclusion and being limited from fully participating in society. It is a public health emergency that must be urgently addressed.

Let's all try and play our part by checking in on our strong friends and relatives and remember that face-to-face contact has so many benefits. These include: forming strong bonds, giving us a sense of connectedness, enhanced communication and improved mental wellbeing. It also reduces the risk of chronic diseases.

I know we all get caught up in the busyness of life, but I've decided to be more intentional about making time for face-to-face meet ups. I think we all need it as part of our self-care.

I hope this post inspires someone 😉

◆Do you feel good about yourself?

◆Do you know yourself?

◆Do you believe in yourself?

◆Are you proud of your talents and achievements?

◆Do you take pride in your strengths?

◆Do you embrace your uniqueness?

◆Do you express gratitude daily?

◆Are you kind to yourself?

◆Do you practice self-care?

◆Do you set aside some 'me time' to prioritise just you, and to check-in with yourself?

◆Do you forgive yourself easily?

◆Do you practice self-compassion?

◆Do you set realistic boundaries?

◆Do you engage in positive self-talk to overcome distorted thinking patterns?

◆Do you say the things to yourself that sound like the kind of things you would say to a friend? Or are you overly harsh and critical?

◆Are all of your needs being met?

◆Do you plan short, medium and long-term goals that are SMART?

◆Do you know your purpose?

◆Do you try and make time to do the things that make you happy?

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗳𝗶𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗥𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝘁 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗘𝗻𝗱 𝗢𝗳 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗮𝘆

Reflecting at the end of each day is a good opportunity to process and analyse the day's events.

It can provide us with an opportunity to bring awareness of the positive and negative emotions felt during the day and consider the thoughts and circumstances that underpinned them.

It can help to give us insight and put things into perspective.

By looking back and reflecting upon our day, it can help us to identify the positives including things we've accomplished.

Through exploration of our decision-making and problem-solving, it can help us to build upon what we're doing well and address any areas where there are shortcomings.

It's an opportunity for growth where we can highlight the obstacles and challenges we experienced and any strategies used to overcome them.

It can also be a useful way to identify learning from our mistakes.

End of day reflections provide us with the time and space away from the noise, busyness and disruptions that the day brings. There we can analyse interpretations and meanings from the various scenarios that played out during the course of the day.

For me it's also an opportunity to look back at whether I used my time and energy as productively as I could have. E.g. did I focus on and ruminate over the things that I couldn't change or influence?
Or did I consider what mattered the most and look at what I was realistically able to do about it?

I find that it's a good way to wind down for the day and be at peace.

Do you have a time of self-reflection at the end of your working day? How does it benefit you?

𝗦𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗪𝗵𝗼 𝗶𝘀 𝗚𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗮 𝗗𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁 𝗧𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆

• Firstly, don't tell them how to feel.
• Be empathetic.
• Don't be dismissive.
• Be understanding.
• Don't minimise people's feelings or experiences or try to outrank them in terms of painful experiences.
• Do consider that two people can have similar experiences in life that can affect each of them differently.
• Do validate their feelings.
• Don't tell people who've experienced trauma to 'just get over it' - that can be emotionally triggering and is not particularly helpful.
• Recognise if you are in a position of power or privilege in comparison with the person who is expressing their feelings. This may have given you a slightly skewed perspective.
• Show kindness.
• Be patient.
• Be nice.

This activity that I did with a child a few years ago is a reminder that we can find happiness in the most simple things.

Let's not normalise feeling the need to be constantly busy. Taking time out is an excellent form of self-care where we can relax and give our mind and body a much-needed rest. It's also a good opportunity for reflection, self-regulation and rejeuvination.

Even small things can get those happiness chemicals flowing and boost your mood.

Reflections accross the lifespan

Reflecting upon different stages accross our lifespan can be a very insightful experience for us. Looking back at the significance of important events (both positive and negative) and reflecting upon what we can take from them can highlight the strengths that we used in those situations and consider how they've contributed to how we are now and how we will use them in our lives moving forward.

It's also a good way of connecting the past to the present and considering
what we learned in each of those situations and and what things were beneficial to us. In addition to strengths, this could include things such as beliefs, attitudes, characteristics and values.

In my own reflections, I remembered that my French teacher also predicted me an E grade for my GCSE and I subsequently got an A.

My head teacher also contantly told me in the most spiteful way that I needed to try harder because I was black. I was made to feel like being black was like having a massive shackle on my feet that would hold me back.

The school, colleges and universities I studied at failed recognise that I had dyslexia and I was only diagnosed 4 years ago. I worked at an organisation where a colleague told me that the service manager told him that his dyslexia was holding him back - this was after just finding out that I had dyslexia. To say it made me feel a tad bit demoralised was an understatement.

Nevertheless, upon hindsight, I recognise that my experiences of racial discrimination and people having low expectations of me made me persevere as I was so keen to prove them wrong. Perseverance is a significant strength that I rely upon today. I was also
resilient and these events underpinned and shaped my determination that I have in life.

Without knowing I had dyslexia, I went on to gain 2 degrees, a masters and a management qualification. Since the diagnosis, I've studied for a life coaching qualification. My determination wouldn't allow anything to hold me back.

So, it's good to reflect back on your life every so often and consider the significant events and milestones that have contributed to your current stage in life. There's definitely something that you can take from them.

Some of the hats I wear
(Not in order of importance)

Daughter
Sister
Advocate
Advisor
Friend
Encourager
Mental Health Practitioner
Solution-finder
Social Worker
Consultant
Life Coach
Mediator
Carer
Mentor
Team member
Trainer
Writer

Our roles relect our value system and beliefs, and when we are carrying out a role that isnt in accordance with them; it can result in dissatisfaction and the feeling that our lives lack meaning and purpose.

So, it's important that we are aware of what is important to us to have an understanding of what our values and beliefs actually are.

Each role we do comes with different expectations and demands. Additionally, there may be times when our roles appear to conflict. E.g. as a social worker, it can be difficult to to successfully do the role of an advisor or an advocate if you're working within a service that requires compulsory intervention for service users.

I found it helpful in these situations to communicate my expectations clearly to the service users in these situations and explaining how they fit in with organisational expectations. After a while, I realised that I was also able to wear some of other hats where appropriate to demonstrate that I could still be an encourager and an advocate even when working with someone who was subject to statutory intervention, but it wasn't easy at first.

So, what hats do you wear?

Have you ever had conflict or strain in relation to these different hats?

If so, do share within the comments. I'd be interested to hear about it.

Perfectionism

Do you expect perfect outcomes in everything that you do?

Do you procrastinate and spend excessive amounts of time trying to correct small details that you consider to be imperfections?

Do you feel devastated if you make a mistake? Does it make you feel like a total failure?

Are you known as a hard taskmaster who places overly unrealistic expectations on others? Eg those whom you line manage or your partner or family members.

Do the majority of tasks you complete leave you feeling unsatisfied as they're not good enough and up to your unreasonably high standards?

Do you spend significant amounts of time ruminating over mistakes you've made?

Do you prefer to struggle your way through very difficult tasks without asking for help if you need it as you don't want to be seen as incompetent or weak?

Do you constantly pick out the flaws in the things you do? Or in what others do?

Do you always feel that many aspects of your life are simply not good enough?

Does the prospect of feedback from others fill you with dread?

If these apply to you, then you might just be a perfectionist.

Perfectionists can often be very rigid in their thinking and can be resistant to change. That can significantly hinder your progress in achieving your life goals.

Perfectionism at work can result in burnout and lower productivity rates. It can also be present in other areas of your life, such as your appearance and relationships.

Being a perfectionist is both draining and stressful. It's also linked with higher levels of anxiety, depression and poor physical health.

If you can identify with some of these examples then try and consider:

Recognising that you will make mistakes in life; nobody is infallible.

Thinking about any areas of your life where you could exercise some self-compassion and ease up on yourself.

Exploration of an alternative thought to counteract every unhelpful one.

Learning from mistakes you've made in life and how this could help you grow moving forward.

Trying making more realistic goals.

To put things into perspective; you could try running a difficult situation that you're experiencing by a close friend and asking for their view. (It must be someone who will give you honest, constructive feedback).

Ask yourself what you would say to a friend in that situation.

Try compromising on some things after considering what's the worst possible outcome you would achieve if you lowered your standards slightly.

I hope you found this useful.

Have a great day 😉

What lasting impression do you leave with people?

Client reflections

I love to see life coaching clients recognising the changes they have made and find it very rewarding. Clients often report increased scores in various areas of their lives in terms of life satisfaction, which they find very motivating. Recent reflections from clients after a period of life coaching have been very eye opening for them.

Here’s a few snippets:

What have I achieved/am proud of during the coaching period?
‘Implementing boundaries at work’
‘Health has improved’.
‘Finances are being tackled slowly’.


Positive new beliefs I have
‘I now recognise that I was good at what I did and there were only minor problems.’

How my life is different now
‘I feel just as happy as I was, however I now feel much lighter’.

Surprised learning from my coaching experience?
‘How quickly it was to implement changes.’

What I have specifically learned about myself?
‘I am resilient’.
‘I am capable of changing things.’
‘I am solution focused’.
‘I am a problem-solver’.


My mantra that I will carry forward
‘I am who I am’
‘Steady wins the race.’

Some changes are very quick to implement, however, people begin to recognise that change is not something that suddenly occurs overnight. It is often a process that gradually unfolds over time. Keeping people motivated to persevere is key. Once sufficiently motivated, people can and do change.