18/04/2025
Okay so.. I didn't think I was going to post about my knee on social media, however I've changed my mind because I want to share something profound this last month has taught me.
At the end of February, I stupidly fell over (tripped over my own feet, there's no elaborate story- I am just clumsy 😆) and long story short, I have damaged most of the ligaments in my knee, and both menisci. We're talking full leg brace, crutches, painkillers all day, the lot. I am currently waiting for an MRI scan at the end of this month to assess the damage and plan from there.
After having to be signed off work and being unable to drive, I quickly had to reside to the fact that I was going to be dependant on family and loved ones running around after me helping me for the forseeable future.
As you can imagine the past few weeks have been a challenge in more ways than one, but I found myself feeling really angry, resentful and triggered around anything to do with having to ask for help. I found my chest feeling tight and heavy, tearing up at having to ask someone to do something for me. Although consciously I knew I had the power to make choices that would be in my best interests mentally, there was something else going on...
As a serial "hyper-independence is my super power" girl (before learning that this was in-fact a trauma response), I feel these traits would have been WAY stronger in the past before working somatically on my own healing. Yet I still felt the frustration, like my body had let me down and the guilt that came along with it as I couldn't do everything I needed to as a mother. I felt powerless.
I decided to approach this with curiosity and compassion towards myself because healing is far from linear, as I have learned over the past decade! After some compassionate, deep reflection, I realised that this event had triggered all of the memories stored in my body from when I was extremely poorly with Rheumatoid Arthritis back in 2017. (physical & psychological stress are proven to be linked to auto immune diseases too by the way, but thats a whole other post 😉)
Back then, I felt utterly POWERLESS in every area of my life, and having my independence taken away again had triggered that feeling again.
I had been having flashbacks from 7-8 years ago, and was feeling the same feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, anger & irritability as I was then. The chronic pain (although nowhere near as severe now) also played a part in recreating emotional and psychological manifestations of the medical trauma I experienced years ago!
Our brains and bodies, and the connection between them will always fascinate me. When we experience trauma, the body remembers. Our nervous system remembers. And it can, and will, get triggered.
When we are committed to continuous healing, we are able to get curious when these events arise, and use them as an opportunity to not only heal on an even deeper level, but to learn more about who we truly are and how our mind and body works.
This is another reason why I am so grateful for not only my own healing experience, but that I now get to help others to do the same.
Somatic trauma informed practices are essential in living a life of compassion and understanding not only for ourselves, but in caring for others too 🥰