Laurel Remington, Life Coach

I have a new book out!
I'm delighted to say that The Little Paris Toyshop (by Lauren Westwood) has finally been published.

Why am I sharing this here? Because of who I had to become to get this book over the line. Here's what I say in my author's note:

As the characters in The Little Paris Toyshop discover, life sometimes requires us to take a leap of faith. It requires us to show up before we’re ready, it requires us to take actions even when full of self-doubt. For me, this was the story of writing this book. When I first wrote it, I was told by agents and publishers that they loved it… but… it didn’t fit the right genre, they didn’t know how to market it, it was not for them. I listened. I believed them. Ultimately, I shelved the book – gave up on it.
Luckily, the book refused to give up on me. Something about it made me come back to it. Perhaps it was the characters, with their stories that deserved to be told, even in my imperfect cross-genre way. Or maybe it was the quote by Toni Morrison that I use as a guide in my writing: ‘If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.’ Or maybe it was because during this time, I began to look at my writing in a whole new way, with a whole new goal. I want to write beautiful books that add value to the lives of my readers. I want to write not just for me, but for them.
Whatever the reason, I took that leap of faith. I became my own first believer in the story, my ability to tell it, and most importantly, my ability to get it out there to my audience. This last part is the hardest. This is the part that requires overcoming the perfectionism, the self-doubt, the imposter syndrome, and the voice inside your head that is constantly whispering: ‘It’s not good enough’; and the corollary: ‘I’m not good enough.’
Publishing this book required me to stretch myself and move outside my comfort zone. It required me to become a different person – the person who believes the book has value – before I had the result. The rejection and failure required me to evolve, to keep trying new things, to battle through depression, to keep believing, and ultimately, to become a better writer, and a better version of myself.

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So I think that sums it up - this book was a "hard thing" - and I've achieved my goal of getting it out into the world. Without all the work I've done on myself and my mind, it never would have happened.

Now onwards - I guess need to try and sell a few now. I must remember: "it's not better here than there" (OK - I think it is a little better!)

Thanks, friends for your love and support.

https://geni.us/TheLittleParisToyshop

Hi – Sorry for the silence. For the last few months I have been in full-focus writing mode. I’ve made lots of progress, not only on my writing, but on developing myself as a writer and swimming the “river of misery” to get some long-lingering projects over the line. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting close.

What have I done in the last 12 months? I think it’s not so much the accomplishments I’m proud of, but the personal growth I had to achieve to get results. That said, I’m also kind of proud of the list (:>)

• Set up limited company (The Empowered Author Limited) – became a CEO!
• Published 6 reversions (1 to go)
• Hired an agent/ fired said agent
• Signed a film option
• Produced and published an audiobook
• Signed a deal with Saga Egmont for 2 other audiobooks
• Did a deal with a Swedish publisher
• Began a middle grade trilogy, the first book of which is on submission
• Did a full rewrite of what I hope will be my break-out novel “The Bone Child”, preparing for submission
• Rewrote (for the 3rd time) another book that has caused me no end of problems over 4 years, and am getting ready to publish it.

I guess it’s also worth mentioning that I also have a legal business and 3 kids.

Anyway, the point is, every single thing on this list was hard. Decisions were required, belief was required in the face of little or no external support, being my own gatekeeper in the face of rejections and setbacks was required. I literally had to become a different person to be able to do these things. I had to manage my mind and my lower brain – which kept piping up that everything was too hard and wouldn’t it be better just to give up?

Anyway, I am not where I want to be, but I am confident that I have grown as a person ready to take the next steps to add value to the world and achieve greater success.

That’s something to be proud of, I think.

Happy New Year!
All the best for 2023!
Let's all keep managing our mind and adding value to create a better world.

Hi everyone,

Just to let you know that I'll be taking a little break from regular posting this month, while I finish some projects and plan for next year. I wish you all a wonderful holiday season - keep working on managing your mind, and get coached!

This week we’ve been looking at buffering – especially those sneaky little buffers that we sometimes aren’t even aware of. Little things that distract our focus or subtly undermine us achieving a bigger goal.

If you decide that you want to stop buffering with something, then what do you do? The process is learning to “allow” urges. Similar to “feeling your feelings”, allowing urges requires an awareness of the exact moment when you have the urge to buffer, what is causing it, and considering what emotion you are trying to avoid. Some common ones are frustration and deprivation. How do these negative feelings feel in your body? Can you allow these feelings, and therefore allow the urge to be there without giving in or resisting it?

Practice does help, but I’ve found that it doesn’t make perfect. I still have to battle with myself not to check my email or get a cup of tea when my work isn’t going well. A lot of times I give in. But I am becoming more aware of the effect this sort of sneaky buffering his having, and becoming more determined to tackle it!

Need help with buffering? Get coached today.

When is a buffer not a buffer?

Look, we are all human. We like to seek pleasure and avoid pain. There is nothing wrong with this – it’s how we’ve survived as a species through the millennium. I am absolutely not saying that you should not do tasks that are pleasurable or restful. The key to whether something is a buffer or not is whether there is a net negative effect, often unintended.

Loss of focus can be an unintended negative effect. Using small tasks to avoid focusing on the big tasks can be an unintended negative effect. Partaking of more food/alcohol than you planned on, and ending up bloated or hungover is an unintended negative effect.

So what is the answer?

Planning in advance.

It is fine to check emails, make a cup of tea, edit, drink, eat. If you don’t have a problem with these things and don’t use them as buffers, then great – not everyone does. But if you do find yourself doing these things when you’d rather not, or “over-” doing any of them, then most likely it is a form of buffering.

If we plan in advance a time to check emails, make a cup of tea; if we decide to limit the number of drinks we’ll have at the company party; or decide that we’ll limit ourselves to one mince pie – and then we stick to our plan and are true to ourselves, then this is true pleasure – pleasure that is not at the expense of something else in our lives. We all need rest, relaxation, free time – so do it! Just notice if it is at the expense of something else in your life. If it is, then you might want to consider whether it’s serving you or not. Awareness is key. If we become aware of a problem, then we can change it. Or if something is not a problem, then by all means, just enjoy.

And if you need help telling one from the other, get help. Buffering is a great topic to get coached on. Get in touch today.

Yesterday I talked about how checking email can be a sneaky way of buffering. Our brain gets to break focus and do something easy, and get a little dopamine reward. So what’s the down side?

If you are trying to achieve something, then the best way to do it quickly and efficiently is to focus. Breaking focus and doing something else is called “context switching”. Basically, if you are in the zone, give in to the urge to check email, and thus switch contexts, then it takes longer to get back in the zone – ten or fifteen minutes longer, typically.

What are some other sneaky ways of buffering? For me, it’s going down and getting a cup of tea. I often tell myself that I “deserve” it when I’ve focused for a while, but the net result is that by going down to the kitchen, I’m switching contexts, and my brain takes longer to refocus on the project. It’s a form of buffering.

For us writers out there, another sneaky way of buffering is “over-editing”. How many of us work on finding the perfect word or phrase, at the expense of the overall plot or structure? I am absolutely guilty of this! It is a really big one for me.

What emotion am I trying not to feel when I start overediting? It’s the fear of releasing my work into the world when it’s not “perfect” and risking feelings of failure and rejection. So by continuing to do small edits, I don’t have to tackle bigger tasks – like actually putting a book out there.

As you can see, there are lots of sneaky forms of buffering. What are your sneaky forms of buffering? What emotions are you trying to avoid feeling?

Remember, we aren’t doing this to beat ourselves up. Awareness is key – it is always the first step.

This week we are looking at buffering.

What are some sneaky ways in which we buffer? Here’s one you might not have thought about.

Checking email.

Yes, this is another way your lower brain tries to trick you into doing something that’s easy. When you are working on that project, and all of a sudden things get hard, then of course it makes sense to go and check email. After all, you have to do it, right?

Or, alternatively, you’re focused on the project, but all of a sudden the brain comes up with a thought that you might be missing something important.

The result of both of these examples is, you break focus from the project, go and check the emails (which is giving in to an urge). It then takes time to get the focus back. Your brain gets a little hit of dopamine, but the momentum may be gone.

So in this case, something that seems innocuous – or even useful – can have a net negative effect.

The answer – set times when you check your email. Like twice a day, or if that doesn’t work, once an hour. The rest of the time, don’t do it. You’ll be amazed at how much more productive you can be in the long run.

I’m working on this one right now. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but I know it will be worth it if I persevere.

This week is all about everyone’s favorite topic – buffering.

As the holidays draw near, there seem to be more and more things that can serve as “buffers”. What is buffering? I’d define it basically as over-doing a particular activity to create a temporary pleasure, and avoid feeling a negative emotion.

The main examples of buffering that come to mind are overeating and overdrinking, especially during the holidays. Even if we are trying to cut down on sweets or alcohol, in the moment it can be difficult to overcome the urge to indulge.

But here are some other things that can be buffers, that we might not even be aware of.
Things that might seem useful, but actually serve as distractions.

Here’s an example.

You are trying to work on a project or manuscript. You can’t figure out something in the moment, so your brain decides it needs a little break. You go to the Black Friday sales and start scrolling – you need to buy presents, right? It seems useful. Really, it’s a distraction.

Why does our brain do this? Because online shopping gives us a temporary pleasure – a little hit of dopamine – which is far more pleasurable than keeping our head down and working on our project.

When is online shopping not buffering? When we are doing it intentionally, and not in order to avoid doing something else that might lead to a negative emotion.

A subtle difference, but an important one. This week, we’ll look at how to enjoy the holidays without the guilt, the extra pounds, or the hangovers.

And to me, that sounds like the best Christmas ever.

I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s poem "Thanksgiving" by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Today I went for a walk and had one of the last yellow apples off the tree. I had to shake it and it came crashing down from one of the top branches. It was the most delicious apple I think I’ve ever tasted. And I was grateful.

Before I discovered coaching, an apple would have just been an apple. Now, it – and my whole life – is so much more.

For that I am grateful too.

Happy Saturday - today's poem is Thanksgiving by Ralph Waldo Emerson. What are you grateful for today?

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
For flowers that bloom about our feet;
For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet;
For song of bird, and hum of bee;
For all things fair we hear or see, Father in heaven, we thank Thee!