20/12/2024
Trigger Warning. LONG POST FULL OF UNASHAMEDLY GOOD STUFF!
A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog called ’this could be a su***de note’. It was never a su***de note.
But it could’ve been. Another person, more damaged, or less resolute, or not as stubborn, might have written it as a su***de note.
There were many supportive comments that came, and some angst from many who know better. Even some derrogative comments.
However, the comments that were possibly, to me, the most disturbing, were the ones that swept the blog aside, and said now look at the positive. I agree that is essential, however, su***de needs to be talked about openly, with as equal a passion as the good ‘things’ in life.
No taboos. Just respect and openness.
Whilst watching the film ‘it ends with us’, which deals with violence or physical abuse I suddenly realized that, well remembered really, one of the lessons I learnt whilst on the Pennine way.
It’s all about people. Hell, everything’s about people, the blog, ‘could’ve been…’ was about people, but the really good stuff is definitely about people too. People make up our world.
Winged people, finned people, leafed people, four legged people all have some pretty magic moments for us two leggeds, but when we get it right for each other there’s magic in this world.
When first challenged to write about the positives I thought about the great adventures I’ve had. I thought about the stunning cruise I went on with Gillian, or the trip to Disneyland I enjoyed with the children I support or the other amazing staffers who came. The Pennine Way adventure that I innocently engaged in. Or even the stories and adventures that happened on the Pennine Way. I could talk about the new car that had so conivingly managed to weedle itself into my world.
But ultimately watching the movie I remembered it was people that have made the year. It was when one character, after the lead had been physically abused said, ’as his sister, I would request you forgive him, but as your friend, ‘if you take him back I’ll never talk to you again’’.
So many times this year I’ve stated, ‘you become the average of the people you spend the most time with’.
Here’s a selection of stand out moments from this year, in no particular order, except, just the order in which I wrote them.
Lloyd Lundie, who doesn’t read, but read ‘the sheeple principle’ and gave it a stunning review.
Kelly Smith, who stood down from the board of trustees for the harmony therapy trust, to whom she still owes a living and joined the board of directors for Slow the Mind CIC, and when I said, the dream is to give a sellout presentation about positive mental MIND health at the O2, just said, ‘let’s make it happen’.
Darren Bardon, who tried valiantly to buy me a new sleeping bag when mine broke on the Pennine Way, ultimately couldn’t, just said, and did, donate the cost of a sleeping bag to the cause. We have work to do together.
Phill Thorne, who after the su***de blog stated, ‘becoming acquainted with you is one of my achievements of 2024. Thank you for listening, thank you for talking and thank you for inspiring’.
To those on the Pennine Way and off it, who saw me as a safe place and told me of the trauma they are or have experienced. I am honoured to have listened.
Or Martin, who paid for my dinner and drinks in Ponden Mill. Utterly gobsmacked, that kind of thing never happens to me. Come to that, all those who sponsored me which helped give me the drive to finish, when I was all but ready to quit.
Troy, Lloyd, Dale and Ross who got me over Penn-y-Ghent, I don’t know if I’d’ve done it without you guys.
The way that many friends and even a few family members have adjusted the way they think and behave around me.
They and I celebrate I not only started, but finished it. I’ve always run everything as far as I could, but this hasn’t always been obvious.
The Linkin Park reformation with the incredible Emily Armstrong taking over from Chester. I am so happy that the rest of the band got passed Chesters completion of su***de.
But, however, (glad to get the opportunity to put the two words together), I am most grateful to my wife, who sees more in me than I do, has more faith I me than I do. Who runs with my ideas when even I’m not sure of where I am going. And always has done. Who stuck in when to all intents and purposes I was on a trail of self-destruction that threatened to envelop us all.
I remembered this when last week I had a meeting with a lady who again, told me a lot in confidence, that reminded me very greatly of the genesis of the relationship I have with my wife, Gillian. Who I love with all my heart.
You can be in the most amazing place, as I was often on the Pennine way, but if the ones you love are a long way away, it’s incredibly hard.
What’s been the most amazing successes of 2024, The people, the people who have poured out their stories to me, the people who have listened to me and the people who have supported me, when I knew I needed help and even when I didn’t.
Thank you.
Also, I have begun researching my grandfather, Reginald. Whilst on the Pennine Way it occurred to me whilst reading, that maybe the trauma I’ve had to managed wasn’t mine. Research is showing that trauma can be passed down the ancestral line. I knew he had committed su***de, but knew little else about him. There was a massive wall of silence around him. I still don’t know much, however he was a stretcher bearer during WW! He almost certainly had what we would now call PTSD. I can only imagine what he must have seen and experienced, never mind the shame in later life.
It feels really good to research him, try to understand him and I hope that somewhere he knows he hasn’t been forgotten.
Maybe even get him some posthumous recognition.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
Simon Pollard December 2024
