10/03/2021
Hope and acceptance.
I feel that for the last 3 years the themes of hope and acceptance have been ever present for me.
Firstly with fertility, each month full of hope and longing for those two lines confirming new life, followed by acceptance when they didn’t appear. Varying degrees of grace were had with this. As the months passed each disappointment was felt more keenly and our journey to conceive tested trust in my body, my faith and my marriage more than anything had prior. I know so many couples walk the same path and yet it seems like a silent battle, one riddled with concealed heartache...
With the COVID-19 pandemic hope and acceptance continued as with for so many plans changed, life was altered and a ‘new normal’ was adjusted too. I tried to remain hopeful throughout it all, yet constantly flexible to the new restrictions, infection rates and guidance. Accepting it. Abiding by it. Though feeling the weight of it. Nursing through it, missing loved ones, losing loved ones and craving adventures...
Pregnancy brought a deep joy amongst it all and a gratitude deeper than any before yet it it too has been a journey of hope and acceptance. Hopeful all is ok, especially those first couple of months, terrified of more loss, willing with every fibre of my being that this time it would be ok. Hope that baby is ok, relief when scans confirmed that. Accepting this ever changing body. Marvelling at this new home I inhabit and house my little one in. Awe struck and also challenged by it. The clothes that don’t fit, the insatiable appetite, the serious fatigue, the subconscious changes that have had me reflect on my relationship with control more than ever. I have been relatively lucky in pregnancy but the last few weeks have brought real pain and struggle as my hypermobile joints start to feel the strain of growing another human. I’m using every tool in my toolbox, thankful for them all alongside the NHS and my support system.
Accepting isn’t always easy. It’s not always gracious. For me it has run in parallel with frustration, anger and desperation. But ultimately there comes a point of surrender. Surrendering but always keeping hope alive.