The Regulated Child

27/08/2026

Sometimes, as parents, we make quick decisions to get us through the moment. We find a solution, breathe a sigh of relief and move on.

Without necessarily realising it, that solution can sometimes become part of the problem further down the line.

Two years ago, on the way to school, my son lost a tooth.

More accurately… he pulled it out. Even though it wasn’t quite ready to come out.

So there he was, in the back of the car, surrounded by a bloody mess, covering his face with a dirty tissue because he absolutely did NOT want anyone commenting that he had lost a tooth.

At that point, we had very different goals.

His goal: cover up the gaping hole in his mouth so that nobody would comment.

My goal: get him through the school gates.

And then, in my haste, I thought I had hit the jackpot.

I found an old but clean face mask left over from COVID in the glove compartment.

“Why don’t you put this on? Nobody will notice your tooth.”

“What a great idea!” he said.

Fast forward two years…

The face mask is still firmly attached to his face.

We actually talked about it this morning in the car. More importantly, he brought it up.

Because I’ve learned over the past couple of years that if I bring up removing the face mask, I'll be met with extreme backlash.

So this morning he asked:

“Mum, when do you think my teeth will all stop falling out and I can stop wearing my face mask?”

It felt like a breakthrough.

But I also knew that what I said next mattered.

I had to think about our different goals.

My goal: for him to eventually stop wearing the face mask.

His goal: to hold onto it for as long as possible because it gives him comfort and helps him feel safe.

So, as hard as it was, I said:

“You know what? You’ll know when you’re ready to take your face mask off. And when you’re ready to ditch it, that’s absolutely fine. You can just take it off and throw it away.”

“Really?” he said, absolutely delighted.

“Yeah. You can do it in your own time. You don’t have to wear it forever.”

And honestly?

That wasn’t the answer I wanted to give.

The answer I wanted to give was:

“Just take it off now, nobody is going to notice your teeth. In fact, you probably draw more attention to yourself wearing a face mask!”

But that was my goal....not his.

And this is something I come back to again and again in my work with parents and professionals:

Our children are driven by different goals to us and to move forward, we need to identify these goals and work with them, not against them.

Sometimes the short-term solution we put in place to get through a difficult moment becomes a coping strategy that our child relies on for much longer than we anticipated.

That doesn’t mean we made the wrong decision, it means that we have gave our child something that they needed in the moment and they're just not ready to let it go yet.

19/08/2026

Yesterday was a busy but brilliant day for The Regulated Child.

My morning was spent with the amazing team at Ladybird Family Nurture Centre Glenrothes, exploring early child development, behaviour and, importantly, how we build safe and predictable relationships with children whose experiences of relationships may have been unpredictable or unsafe.

One of our big takeaways was:

Knowing what is right and wrong isn’t the same as having the capability to carry out the actions in the moment.

Sometimes the most helpful question isn't “How do we change the behaviour?” but “What capability is does the child need to do this, and how can we help to strengthen it?”

We also explored how we can anticipate tricky moments, plan together and support children to navigate them rather than simply reacting when things go wrong.

Then it was into the car and off to Stirling Albert Halls to work with the fantastic team at Sistema Scotland Big Noise.

This time, the focus shifted from early childhood to adolescence, exploring the teenage brain, why young people behave the way they do, and how understanding development can help us connect and support them during this incredibly vulnerable but exciting period of development.

One question particularly stayed with me:

Does our education system actually respect children's biology?

If we designed education around what we know about how children's brains develop, learn and regulate, how different might our education system look?

By the end of the day, I was absolutely exhausted but completely fulfilled.

Two very different settings. Two very different stages of development.

But the same message:

When we understand development, we can change the way we respond. And when we change the way we respond, we can change what becomes possible for children.

11/08/2026

This morning I was asked to contribute to a discussion on Radio Scotland about travelling with a child with additional support needs, particularly navigating airports and flights.

It got me thinking about just how much experience we’ve had of this over the years, and just how varied that experience has been.

There have been flights that have gone relatively smoothly. And then there have been the times when we genuinely wondered whether we were ever going to get onto the plane.

I’ve watched my son shut down at the boarding gate and lie on the floor, completely unable to move. We’ve experienced the fear of walking through the body scanner. And on one occasion, we sat in a private room that staff had kindly given us because of the level of his distress, watching everyone else board the plane while we frantically considered alternative ways of getting home.

And the thing is, airports are stressful places.

We can spend months looking forward to our holiday. We imagine the destination, the fun, the time together. But the airport itself can be an incredibly overwhelming environment.

The noise, the lights, the crowds, the smells, the announcements, the queues, the waiting, the unexpected changes, the security checks and all the demands placed on us.

We prepare. We plan. We think through every possible eventuality. We pack the snacks, the headphones, the sensory supports. We try to anticipate what might be difficult.

And all of that preparation is important.
But the reality is, we can't control the airport.
What we can influence is ourselves, which is easier said than done!

Because before we have even walked through the airport doors, we can already be feeling stressed as we predict the multitude of obstacles that lie ahead.

And our child is picking up on all of it, because stress is contagious.

A child who is already overwhelmed by the sights, sounds, movement and unpredictability of the airport is also looking towards their safe person for safety. But if their safe person is functioning under high levels of stress, suddenly that source of safety doesn't feel quite so safe.

And then there are the people around us.

Airport staff have a very important job to do. Security procedures matter. Safety matters.

But sometimes the smallest things can make a huge difference.

A smile.
A gentle tone.
A little patience.
A change in body language.
Giving them a few extra moments.

We’ve actually been incredibly lucky with the kindness we've experienced from staff and other passengers, even when things have gone very wrong.

We use a sunflower lanyard, and I carry a photograph of my son with his name underneath it. On previous journeys, staff have gently used his name to help him through some really difficult moments.

And sometimes, that tiny moment of connection can make all the difference.

So I’d love to hear from other parents and carers.
What have your experiences of airports and flying been like, any top tips?

05/08/2026

School holidays can be a logistical nightmare for any family. When you're parenting an autistic child, that challenge often increases tenfold.

Every outing involves careful planning. Doing enough, but not too much. Working collaboratively with your child. Thinking ahead. Predicting the pitfalls.

Yesterday, we missed one.

We went to our local ASN family swimming session, something my son absolutely loves. Five minutes into the pool, he asked my husband to lift him into the water, one of his favourite things. There were giggles, excitement... and then everything changed.

As he came back up, he quietly announced, "I'm going home."

I knew immediately what had happened. Under the water, his swim top had ridden up slightly, exposing his tummy. Nobody else had noticed. But for him, it was enough. He has always found having his tummy exposed deeply uncomfortable.

There was no meltdown. No shouting. No blame.
He simply climbed out of the pool.
We all followed.

I'll admit, as we got dressed, I was feeling really frustrated. I'd planned my whole day around that swim.

Then, as we walked back to the car, he said quietly:

"It was a shame we had to leave early today. But don't worry... we'll try again next week."

At first, it sounded as though he was reassuring me.

But he wasn't.

He was reassuring himself.

Those were words he has heard from me many times after something has gone wrong. Over the years, I've helped him make sense of disappointment by reminding him that one difficult moment doesn't mean everything is ruined, and that there will always be another opportunity.

Yesterday, those words became his.

That is how self-talk develops.
First, children borrow our words.
Then they begin saying them out loud.
Eventually, those words become their own inner voice.
And that inner voice is at the heart of self-regulation.

A year ago, the story might have ended with an overwhelming emotional outburst. Yesterday, although he still couldn't stay in the pool, he was able to understand what had happened, accept that he needed to leave, and hold onto the belief that it wasn't the end of the world.

"We'll try again next week."

As I walked back to the car with dripping hair, I realised something.

Maybe what happened in those five minutes was far more important than the swim itself.

15/07/2026

There’s something quite special about working while the rest of the house is still asleep.

The school holidays are here.

And while face-to-face training slows down as schools close and people head off on their holidays, for me, it creates something incredibly valuable.

Space.
Space to think.
Space to research.
Space to create.

So, over the past couple of weeks, while the rest of my house has been fast asleep, I've been getting up early, making a coffee and quietly beavering away on a new project that I am genuinely excited about - 'Moving Beyond Behaviour'.

A bespoke six-part programme commissioned by Falkirk Fostering, Adoption and Kinship Services, for adoptive parents.

It brings together training, mentoring and reflective space, because sometimes people don't need more information thrown at them.

They need time to think.
Time to unpick what's happening at home.
Time to reflect on what their child's behaviour might be communicating.
And time to explore small, realistic changes in how they respond, relate and structure daily life.

At the heart of 'Moving Beyond Behaviour' is a shift away from simply managing behaviour towards nurturing connection and capability.
It's about creating the conditions at home where children feel safer, more understood and supported to grow, meeting them where they are developmentally, rather than where we might expect them to be.

But it's also about the parents.

Because caring for a child who needs more from you emotionally and relationally can be incredibly demanding.

So, alongside thinking about what children need, we will also create space for parents to think about what they need.

This is the kind of work I absolutely love.
Collaborative. Reflective. Unhurried.
Creating safe spaces where adults can think together, learn from one another and build supportive relationships in what can sometimes feel like a very isolating world.

So, while everyone else sleeps, I'll keep quietly pulling it all together, ready for us to begin at the end of August.

And the joy of those early starts?

By the afternoon, the laptop closes.

And so far, the school holidays have meant beaches, cold-water swimming, trips to the swimming pool and adventures in the forest.
Meaningful work and time with the people I love.
I feel incredibly fortunate that the work I do allows me to make space for both.

03/07/2026

1 to 1 Parent Coaching isn't just for parents!

Read on to hear about Granny Ann's experience.

"As a granny to an autistic child who spends a lot of time with me I have always wanted to ensure I’m doing the best I can for him. I am blessed with family and friends who truly love A too and they all have their own connections with A and recognise the bond he has with Granny Ann. However, as he is developing and starting to communicate using new verbal words and sign language and has new things happening at school and home which have sern a rise in his destructive outbursts which can be upsetting to watch and understand and ensure A is safe and that I know how to handle these to help A and myself.

Discussing this with a younger mum who has an autistic child sign posted me to Nicola’s ‘The Regulated Child’ and as soon as I read her web page I just knew I had to contact her.

I contacted Nicola and requested the free one to one consultation and completed the form giving Nicola some insight into A. On the video call to Nicola I immediately felt so much relief when discussing A with her and her understanding and guidance immediately were great. I then booked a session with Nicola which was based on everything I had stated on the form and discussed at the one to one, this was so enlightening as Nicola explained so much on a level that was easy to understand and relate to concerning A. It put so much into context to allow me to see ways forward for A and my own safety as well as his wellbeing. Nicola provided frameworks to work on to enhance A’s handling of day to day living.

I've personally gained so much guidance and direction from Nicola and found she was very good at complimenting me as a granny too for what I was doing right.

Thank you Nicola"

1 to 1 Parent Coaching Sessions, whether you are a granny or parent, you don't have to figure it out on your own.
Book your free initial chat now.

1 to 1 support for parents and carers who are struggling to meet the needs of their child. These sessions are personally delivered by Nicola McAllister who will help you understand what your child's behaviour is communication and how you can respond more effectively to minimise distress and support

30/06/2026

Control or connection?

When I first meet with parents, carers, teachers or practitioners, I often notice they sit in two camps:

One camp is centred around control.
-The child just needs to do what they're told.
-The boundaries need to be tighter.
-The consequences for poor behaviour need to be greater.

The other camp is centred around connection.
-I wonder what's going on for this child right now?
-I can see they're really struggling.
-What could I do that might make a difference?

If we're being completely honest, most of us probably started in the control camp.

Why?

Because that's how many of us were parented. It's what we experienced in school. Those experiences become the lens through which we understand children's behaviour.

Moving from control towards connection is a process.

It can also feel risky and counter-intuitive.

When you're exhausted, overwhelmed, and hanging on by your fingertips, that last bit of control can feel like the only thing holding everything together.

But connection isn't about giving up boundaries or allowing children to do whatever they want.

It's about finding the balance.

Children need adults who can provide clear boundaries alongside collaboration, autonomy and empathy. They need predictable systems that keep them physically and emotionally safe, while allowing trust and relationships to develop over time.

And that takes patience.......It takes stickability.

It takes looking after ourselves, too, because this work asks a great deal of us.

Many years ago, when I was a young teacher working with children at risk of exclusion, Dr Mark Ylvisaker told us:

"The more you try to change somebody, the more it changes you."

This is so true. Over the years, I've realised the goal was never to change or fix children.

It's to meet them where they are.

*To notice.
*To create belonging.
*To validate the feelings behind the behaviour.
*To hold hope when they can't.

The spectrum between control and connection is a wide one, and we're all at different points along it.

What matters is that we stay open minded and understand that connection is what makes us who we are.

Connection and control may sit at opposite ends of the spectrum, but when they're thoughtfully and compassionately balanced, they become one of the most powerful foundations for lasting change.

25/06/2026

Although the Scottish school holidays are almost upon us, many school staff are already thinking about the return in August. Probationer teachers are discovering where they will begin their teaching careers. Primary school teachers are finding out which stage and class they will be teaching next session. Senior leadership teams are looking ahead, identifying priorities and planning for the year to come. And parents are wondering how on earth they are going to survive six weeks of the summer holidays!

I, too, am looking ahead and planning for the new academic year. I am delighted to be continuing my work with the Education Institute of Scotland, supporting its professional learning programme, as well as continuing my partnership with Unison, delivering training for support assistants across Scotland.

The Regulated Child is also excited to be launching a pilot mentoring programme during the 2026/27 academic year. This new initiative will support senior leadership teams, teachers and support assistants as they respond to the ever-increasing number of children in primary schools who find the school environment overwhelming and struggle to settle, engage and learn.

So, while one academic year is drawing to a close, it is certainly not slowing things down at The Regulated Child. Planning is well underway, and I am looking forward with great anticipation to everything that 2026/27 will bring.

23/06/2026

Are school report cards still serving children and families, or have they become a time-consuming tradition that continues largely because we've always done it that way?

The original purpose of a school report was to provide parents with information they otherwise had no access to. In an era before email, learning platforms, social media, online portfolios and instant messaging, the annual report was often the only detailed insight into a child's experience of school. Today, that landscape has changed dramatically.

What many parents receive now is a document filled with carefully moderated statements, standardised phrases and curriculum descriptors that could often apply to dozens of children in the same class. If a child's name were removed, many reports would be difficult to identify as being about a specific child.

The irony is that these reports come at an enormous cost. Teachers spend days, sometimes weeks, drafting, editing, checking and carefully redrafting comments, to ensure that the wording is just right. Much of this work takes place during evenings and weekends at a time of year when schools are already managing assessments, transition arrangements, sports days, performances and end-of-year events. The question worth asking is whether this investment of time produces something of equivalent value for pupils and parents.

We now live in a world where parents can access information about their child's learning almost instantly. Platforms such as Seesaw and ClassDojo, online newsletters, learning journals, school websites and social media feeds provide a continuous narrative of children's experiences and achievements. Many schools also hold parents' evenings and review meetings throughout the year. For many families, these sources offer a richer and more meaningful picture of a child's progress than a generic annual report card ever could.

Imagine if the hours currently devoted to writing report cards were redirected and invested into allowing teachers more time to do the work that really matters.

19/06/2026

Supporting a child or young person who is autistic and has a PDA profile can be incredibly challenging for families.

Over recent months, I have been working with a number of families whose children are experiencing significant levels of distress, anxiety and autistic burnout. Many are unable to attend school, struggle to leave the house, and spend much of their time in one space where they feel safe and in control. Some parents have had to reduce their working hours or leave employment altogether in order to meet their child's needs.

When children are in burnout, reducing demands is often essential. Burnout can look like withdrawal, increased demand avoidance, sleep disruption, difficulties with personal care, emotional volatility, or a child retreating further and further from the world around them. At these times, our priority is not compliance or pushing societies expectations; it is helping our child to feel safe. And this can feel really difficult and counter intuitive as a parent, and impacts on the whole family.

However, recovery is not simply about lowering demands indefinitely.

As children begin to emerge from burnout, we need to gently help them rediscover their spark. Not by focusing on the goals that we, as adults, may hold for them, but by identifying what gives them a sense of safety, joy, competence, connection and control.

Progress rarely happens through big leaps.

It happens through tiny, fluctuating shifts.

A child who cannot leave their bedroom today may first sit by an open window. They may later step into the garden, take a short car journey, or share a favourite interest with a parent. These small moments matter because they represent movement towards the world, whilst still allowing the child to feel safe and in control.

There is hope.

By meeting children where they are, honouring their nervous system, and building from their strengths and interests when they are ready, we can begin to expand their world again, one small step at a time.