Eden Consultancy NI

The weight of internalised ableism

As I saw another ‘school ready’ resource pack and read through more ‘what your child should be doing’ the words of Emma Ahern came echoing back to me.

My challenge to schools, early years settings as you think about the new term approaching I wonder if we could all check our own internalised ableism? I wonder how we could lighten the load and anxiety for parents and careers simply through our wording and our actions!

Eden beautifully sharing her journey as a sibling to her brother with differing needs!

Be sure to give it a listen 🎧 link in bio!

Walking Thoughts #3️⃣

What if we changed from saying “attention seeking” to saying “connection-seeking”?

The language we use matters.

It shapes the way we think, and the way we think shapes the way we respond.

One phrase leads us towards frustration and judgement.

The other invites curiosity and empathy.

At the heart of every child is a need to feel seen, safe and connected.

Sometimes children discover that the quickest way to get connection is through behaviours we’d rather not see.

Not because they’re “being difficult.”
But because they’re trying to meet a very real need.

When we reframe attention-seeking as connection-seeking, we stop asking...
‘How do I stop this behaviour’
Or
‘Just ignore them and it will stop’

And we start asking

‘How can I connect with this child’

We connect with what we see happening while keeping the boundary!

That’s why play matters.

Why following their interests matters.

Why knowing the name of their pet hamster matters.

Why five uninterrupted minutes
together matter.

Because children don’t just want our attention.

They need our connection.

Northern Ireland’s independent autism reviewer Ema Cubitt sat down with me to chat about what her role is, her heart behind change and the realities of what is and isn’t being done in government in Northern Ireland!



Be sure to give this a listen!

Walking Thoughts #2 💭

A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a child.

Did you know that children aren’t born with a nervous system that can regulate itself?

That’s why when a baby cries, we instinctively rock them, soothe them and comfort them. We co-regulate.

And that’s just the beginning.

Learning to regulate emotions is a long journey, and children continue to rely on the calm, connected adults around them as their brains and nervous systems develop.

Co-regulation is one of the greatest gifts we can give a child.

By staying calm in their biggest moments, we’re not just helping them through this emotion, we’re teaching them what regulation looks and feels like.

This isn’t always easy.

Supporting children means first recognising, understanding and regulating our own nervous system.

Because when we shout, threaten or speak from our own dysregulation, we often add to theirs.

So the next time you’re faced with your child experiencing big emotions...

Pause
Take a breath
Slow your pace
Connect before you correct
Validate the feeling
Keep the boundary
Keep them safe
Spend the energy
Co-regulate

Because children learn emotional regulation through experiencing it with us! What a gift to give them 💖

Keep an eye out for more videos on different ways to help regulate big emotions!

Walking Thought #1️⃣

It’s not true inclusion if it demands conformity.

I’ve been thinking a lot about inclusion recently.
What does it actually look like in our schools, churches, youth groups, early years settings, families and wider communities?

Are some of the things we call “inclusive” actually closer to integration,or even exclusion?

A quote that has stayed with me since I first read it:

“Placing children in an education space with the expectation that they must change their inherent traits and characteristics to participate is integration, not inclusion.” — Kerry Murphy

How often do we say:
“Of course they’re welcome...but…”
they have to sit still, they have to join in this certain way, they have to stand still during the performance or they can’t join, they have to not make that noise… the list of examples could go on.

This isn’t inclusion.

Because inclusion that demands conformity isn’t actually really inclusion at all.

Real inclusion asks a different question:
“What can we change around this child so they can belong?”

Because inclusion isn’t about changing the child.
It’s about changing the world around them.

Remember: Change the world around the child, not the child themselves 🌍

“When you hear hoofbeats think horses - no think zebras, think giraffes” 🦓🦒

I absolutely love this reminder of the importance of curiosity from