ouren relational english

When you get stuck, you might think…

I’ve been studying for so long now - why does this still happen to me?

This never happens to me with my partner, so why does it happen at work?

Or vice versa?

Maybe learning English just isn’t for me.

But do you ever think to yourself…

What is really going on right now?

What happened just before I got stuck?

What am I feeling now that I’m stuck?

These questions can start to take you to a deeper level that might seem like it has nothing to do with language learning.  However, as I like to say - the problems you have while communicating in general can seem bigger, magnified, or more obvious when you are using a learned language.  Some of the issues might be related to grammar or vocabulary.  However, usually there is something in the way of using the English that you already know.  

If it is hard to use what you know, then how much does it help to just learn more and more?  Maybe there is something else that you need to do so that you can become confident using the English skills that you have.  And maybe there is something you can do to help you learn English more effectively.

#英语 #英語 #अंग्रेज़ी #英語 #영어 #англійская #Английски

Getting stuck when you are trying to express something can literally feel like hitting a wall. You can’t think of the words. You feel like you can’t continue the conversation, and you want to turn around and walk away. Maybe you feel embarrassed. Maybe you think that this shouldn’t happen to you because you know so much English already. You have taken all of the grammar classes, you have learned so much vocabulary. You have “done all the things.”

At least, you have done all the things you can think of.

What if there was something different? What if it didn’t involve just trying harder?

What if the real thing you need to do is take a step back and take a breath?

If you pause for a moment and stop banging your head against a wall (literally or figuratively!), you might actually be able to find a door to walk through. What if instead of trying harder and harder to remember a word or find “the right thing” to say, maybe you could pause and see that there is another way?

Share this with someone who knows what it’s like to get stuck, and stay tuned this week for some tips about ways to manage getting stuck when you are using English.

#英语

How do you notice a disconnect between you and another person?

Usually, I start to notice that either:

1.  the way that the other person is responding to me doesn’t make sense, or 

2. I feel misunderstood or frustrated by them.

These two things happen regardless of who is “responsible” for the disconnect.  Internally, I might feel awkward or uncomfortable.  I might also feel surprised or find humor in the disconnect.   I could also feel hurt if the disconnect seems to be on a deeper level and is getting in the way of connecting with someone important to me.

So how do you deal with a disconnect?

If I can tell that it’s just a small misunderstanding, I might smile and wait until a pause in the conversation to try and explain myself or ask the other person to clarify something.  If it is a bigger disconnect and I can tell that there is a more profound misunderstanding, then I might pause the conversation and talk about the disconnect on a deeper level.  Sometimes I just interrupt the conversation and say, “Wait a minute!  That’s not what I meant!”  or, “Wait - what?!  I thought you meant something else this whole time!”

What does this have to do with learning or becoming fluent in English?

One of the biggest disconnects I have had with my partner used to happen when I would talk about something I was working on or struggling with.  He would start saying (in Spanish), “You have to do this, you have to do that…”  I usually got frustrated because I felt like he was telling me what to do.  Finally, one day I stopped the conversation and expressed why I was getting irritated (and, frankly, I was not being very nice).  After trying to understand his intention behind “telling me what to do”, it turned out that (from his perspective) he was not at all telling me what to do at all.  Those words (“You have to…”) were not meant to be taken literally.  The things he was “telling me to do” were meant simply to help me brainstorm my own ideas by having something to bounce off of.

(Continued below!)

Do you feel like you can express your true self in English?

Many students I have worked with say that they do not feel like they can express who they really are in English.  Most of the time, they say that they feel like the second picture...  They have lots of different pieces (like grammar and vocabulary) but they don’t know how to put them together to share the full picture: who they truly are.

In English, often there is a disconnect between their true self and how much of that they are able to share with others.

When we first start learning a language, we are collecting all of the tools to be able to communicate information.   “I would like to have chicken for dinner.”  “Can we reschedule the meeting for next week?”  “I don’t want to see that movie.”  Most of the students I work with are really great at this kind of language.  They can order food or talk about their hobbies.  However, when I ask them deeper questions about their beliefs or feelings, I often get the same response:

“I have no idea how to talk about this in English!”

It’s not just about deep conversations, though.  Even in meetings at work, students describe how they completely lose their personality.  They limit how much they say.  Maybe they don’t feel comfortable enough to make jokes, or they are so worried about making a mistake that they limit how much they say.

When we are using a language, we are not just trying to share information or to have perfect grammar.

The real point of communication is to connect with other people.

This week, we’ll talk more about how to start to put together the pieces you already have in order to start to express your true self in English.

-Gin

#英语 #英語 #अंग्रेज़ी #英語 #영어  
الإنجليزية # אנגלית #

🌿 What matters most when building your language skills?

Each of us has our own unique path, challenges, and places where we get stuck.

So what makes a difference for you might not help another person. This is always true, but I find that a person's learning journey seems to become even more personal as you move from an intermediate to an advanced level, and as you continue to build your skills as an advanced language learner.

Regardless of our differences, though, what matters most for each of us is building self-awareness of our unique strengths and challenges, and then building the specific, unique skills to express ourselves more and more fully all the time.

✨That way we can communicate about what really matters.

💡Being politically correct isn’t inherently wrong…

But it is just a starting point.

Political correctness was originally about understanding the impact of our words and using ones that were respectful and considerate of others.  Now (for many people) it has become a list of rules to follow in order to “be good” - or at least not “be bad.”  Often people worry about “the rules” and the consequences of breaking them rather than the reasons why we would even try to follow them in the first place. 🤦‍♀️

When we are learning a language, not only do we have to learn all of the words themselves, but we also have to dive into the nuance and complexity of all of them. 😬 This applies to all words, but most people are particularly concerned about words that might be rude or harmful.  It might be tempting to teach a list of rules and simply say, “Say this!” or “Don’t say that!”  But it’s not that simple.

Just today I had a lesson with a student where the phrase, “Who wears the pants in the family?” came up.  If I had just said: don’t say that phrase because it’s sexist… I don’t think that the student would have really understood the phrase, and they definitely wouldn’t understand the possible impact of using it.  It would be me telling them what to do and making another rule. 🗒️

Yes, knowing what words and phrases are clearly problematic (racist, sexist, homophobic, etc) and which ones promote respect and inclusivity is a great place to start.

But.

Just focusing on the words and not the reasons for them is what got us into this mess.

On top of that - each person is unique and words impact each of us differently.  What hurts one person may not hurt another.

So rather than focusing solely on following “the rules” and avoiding doing something “wrong"...

..focus your intention on having a positive impact.  Build the skills to navigate challenging conversations, to understand the reasons why people respond the way they do to different words, and to learn from your interactions with others.  With these kinds of flexible and responsive communication skills, you don’t have to worry about being PC.

You can just focus on being considerate.

💫 This is what I love.

To engage.

It's why I became a therapist. It's why I will never be able to just teach grammar. It's why I started this work - so that YOU feel engaged with the process of learning and growing your communication skills.

Engaging with you, understanding each of your unique ways of expressing yourselves, and supporting you to feel confident in your self-expression...

This is what I'm here for.

🧩 What expressing your true self is not!

💫 What makes learning a language meaningful?

To me, it's building relationships with others. Without learning Spanish, all of the events that led to meeting my partner and building our relationship might have never happened... I don't know if I would have felt confident enough to travel abroad, or if we would have been able to connect in the same way without it.

There are so, so many connections I have made because of learning a language.

Even if you're learning English for work or travel, language largely happens in relationship. So why not learn the kind of English that can support you in building meaningful ones...?

🤦‍♀️ The struggle is real.

This is now the fourth time I'm trying to post this... After already running a day behind schedule. (The last time, I accidentally posted it to my personal account...). I could not do a better job of embodying this word today if I tried!

So. The short version. We're all struggling with a lot. Big things. Small things.

🌿 Be kind to you.

💫 The secret to becoming fluent...

..is to say the thing. Then mess it up. Then say it again and again and again. Then mess it up again. Then say it in a slightly different way. Then mess it up really a lot. Then just keep saying things.

🤷 Simple? Yes.

🙄 Easy? Not always.

That's why we're here: to help you say the thing!