Coaching with Iemke

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com I must've listened to a podcast or something about this, but in this course, I realized that I'm already taking notes like this. Use the left side of the page to record what is being said (note taking). Not verbatim, but the ideas and thoughts that your are taking from the lesson. On the right of the page you are creating (...

https://iemkepostma.wordpress.com/2025/06/27/the-best-way-to-take-notes/

The Best Way to Take Notes Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com I must’ve listened to a podcast or something about this, but in this course, I realized that I’m already taking notes like this. Use the left side of the …

I'm taking a Jim Kwik course, and I figured I'd practice what I'm learning by teaching it here. The FAST method breaks down like this: Forget Active State Teach Forget What you know about the subject Ironically, the key to learning better starts with "forgetting"... forgetting what you know about a subject, and keeping an open mind so you can actually learn something....

The FAST Method for Learning I’m taking a Jim Kwik course, and I figured I’d practice what I’m learning by teaching it here. The FAST method breaks down like this: Forget Active State Teach Forget What you kn…

Appreciation goes a long way.

Criticizing someone else without providing a basis of appreciation will likely provoke defensiveness rather than cooperation.

Like Dale Carnegie says in his book *How to Win Friends and Influence People*, you want to, “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”.

This does not mean sucking up. It does not mean flattery. That will most likely backfire as people will eventually see through it.

You have to be sincere.

It redirects your mindset to find the positive as well. All too often we scold someone for doing something wrong once, when we barely acknowledge the majority of times when they do it right.

Being appreciated feels good. It’ll go much further in encouraging the other person to do more for you as well. See it as a deposit into the other’s emotional bank account, so that for when you make a withdrawal in the form of a request or constructive criticism, you’ll have much more to draw from. Ideally, make an extra deposit just before you withdraw.

Make others feel good, and I’m sure they’re going to be happy to return the favor.

If you want to get someone to do something you want, speak in terms of their interest.

Getting my son to do anything often involves some kind of negotiation. If I want him to do something, I leverage his interests against him.

His interests are:
- TV time
- Video games
- Money
- Candy

..just to name a few.

To get him to eat breakfast, I don’t say:
“Hey buddy, it’s time to wake up and eat breakfast or you’re going to be late for school.”

It’s questionable whether or not he cares about getting to school on time. That’s more likely my interest than his.

Instead, what I say is:
“Hey buddy, if you want to watch TV, it’s best to wake up and eat breakfast or you’re going to run out of time.”

It’s the classic carrot of the “carrot and stick” method, although using “carrots” as a motivator is much better for long term trust and building the relationship.

Figure out the other side’s carrot. You’ll get a lot further.

Here’s how to deal with people that are insulting you: listen and reflect.

Let me explain.

I read a story the other day of someone who was on a trip with a friend in another country. During the trip, the friend kept insulting the other person whenever things weren’t as optimal as they’d hoped for, blaming them for the situation and calling them all sorts of names.

The course of action here was to listen and reflect.

But before that, we need to realize that the insults are not personal attacks on you. They are the result of an inner need the other person has that is not being met. Where the actual cause of their troubles come from is irrelevant: they needed a target, and you just so happened to be on the receiving end.

Once you understand that it’s not about you, you need to make the other person feel heard by labeling and questioning. Examples:

“I see you’re feeling stressed out.”

“What you’re saying is, is that you would have preferred to have gone somewhere else.”

“What do you think is a fair way to resolve this?”

Let them do the talking. Let them vent. Whatever you say is going to get shot down, even if they’re good ideas, so stick to mirroring until you feel a change of energy. Once they’re ready to think in terms of solutions, try to make the solution come out of them instead of you if you want their full support and approval.

Of course, if this keeps happening, you need to set some boundaries, emphasizing how that would also benefit them.

Example:

“When you’re calling me names (observation), it doesn’t make me feel good (feeling), as I have a need to be treated with kindness and respect (need). Could we try to stop name calling so that we can have more peaceful discussions to try and find a solution (request)?”

Our instinctual reaction to insults may not always be the response most conducive to cooperation and to finding a mutually beneficial solution. Hold your response, and apply questioning and labeling to deflect the energy back. Reconcile and connect after, and come back to your center. Know yourself and know your own worth to let these things glide off of you like water off a feather.

Because it was never about you. It was about what was needed.

When other people are stressing you out, you sometimes need to go from your needs straight into a request (’Negotiation’, as I call it in my 4-Pillars).

Here’s the story…

My partner was running an experiment in her lab the other day when she had some unexpected guests. She was too focused on her own work to deal with them, but their presence disturbed her experiment. What I believe she should have done is put down a boundary straight away and express a need followed by a request, using the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) method of:

1. Observation
2. Feeling
3. Need
4. Request

I would’ve approached it like this:

“Hey guys, I noticed that you’re both here without letting me know in advance (observation). That’s making me feel a little bit stressed out (feeling) because I have multiple experiments going on and I have a need for total concentration and control at this critical moment (need), so I would appreciate it if you could come back at another time in order for me to make sure that these experiments run according to my standards (request).”

I’m pretty sure that the message would be received with grace and understanding, because you made it about your needs, not their faults. You made a clear and simple request for them to follow up on without criticizing anybody.

It’s important to set clear boundaries for yourself and to do this as a habit consistently to make it part of your persona. If not, people will impose themselves onto you, often being unaware that they’re even doing so. It’s also going to lead to a lot of resentment and hurt, so it’s better to speak up which prevents any negative buildup.

My partner, as well, often worries about how the other person feels if addressed on their behavior, which is valid because if you criticize people they’re going to go on the defensive and this will lead to resentment, and begrudged cooperation at best. Instead, make it about your needs and make a simple request.

I think if you want to go a step further, I would also integrate their desires in your request. If you’ve done enough listening and reflecting in the relationship, you would have a sense of what that was. If you can somehow incorporate their wider interests in following your request, you’ve not only gained their cooperation but their full support.

…and for extra sweet bonus points, you may want to reconcile and connect. Show them you meant no hard feelings. Show them your appreciation for what they DO do and the importance of their contribution. Hug it out. Metaphorically if you find it too awkward.

In the end, it’s about expressing your needs and your values in a way that’s most conducive to understanding and cooperation. Don’t ignore your own feelings, because it’s going to lead to negative outcomes somewhere down the line. Once you’ve made a request, you’ve put the ball in their court, and from there, navigate between the 4-Pillars of Effective Communication to determine the best course of action.

Just remember: it starts with you.

One powerful lesson I’ve learned from my encounters with the local street dogs is this:

"If you're calm, they're calm."

On my daily commute to school, I often pass by dogs of questionable ownership. One in particular would always wait until the last moment to bark at us as we passed by. To me, it seemed futile, even pointless. At first, I reacted with frustration—sometimes anger, sometimes annoyance, even aggression. But no matter how I responded, the barking never stopped. In fact, the dog became even more reactive each time we crossed paths.

I began to reflect on my own behavior and state of mind. It was clear that the way I was handling the situation was getting me nowhere. If I wanted a peaceful encounter, I had to be the one to change.

One day, as the dog barked, I decided to try something different. I repeated the mantra, "I come in peace," as I passed by. And something surprising happened—it changed the way I felt about the situation. I realized the dog wasn’t out to harm me; it was just reacting in the way it thought it should, probably to protect its territory. As I calmed myself, the dog’s behavior changed too.

Over time, I noticed a pattern: the dog only barked when it was in front of its home, as if guarding its space. Away from its house, it barely paid us any attention. Understanding this eased my nerves, and with each passing, the intensity of the barking lessened. These days, it only barks occasionally, and does so with less gusto as it seems to recognize me and my, "I come in peace," mantra.

This experience didn’t just change how I interact with that particular dog—it transformed the way I respond to other street dogs as well.

Now, when a dog barks at me, I don’t react with fear or aggression. Instead, I dismount from my bicycle, approach with open hands and an open heart, and say, "Come here, let's talk." I move slowly, signaling no threat, and speak to them as if we’re equals. Most of the time, they seem confused, maybe even startled by the unfamiliar interaction. Usually, they kind of walk off with a look that seems to say, “No thanks, never mind.” Subsequent encounters with these dogs then usually don’t spark any kind of reaction.

What I’ve learned is this: peaceful interactions begin within. When we fill ourselves with calm and love, rather than fear or anger, we bring that energy into every interaction. It’s like carrying water to a fire, instead of more fuel.

Fill yourself with love, and share it freely. Peace starts within.

How do you deal with a stubborn 1st Grader who is adamant on not doing his homework? With love, discipline, and boundaries.

Coming back home from school the other day, we go into the usual ritual of putting away our things before an allowance of 30 minutes of television to wind down from the school day.

After TV time is up it’s time to do homework, but my son usually feels like having a snack so it’s what we do. Whilst I was sharpening some pencils for the homework we were about to do, he asked me for some milk which I responded to with something along the lines of, “Yeah, sure, just a second”.

Not long after, I hear, “Come on. What’s taking so long. Hurry up.”

I wasn’t having any of it.

I came back into the room empty handed and told him, “You can forget about the milk, because I don’t accept this kind of behavior from someone I’m doing a favor for.”

Now I could have probably done more listening and reflecting on my part, as I then tried to explain myself using the non-violent communication method saying, “When someone tells me to hurry up when I’m doing a service for them, it doesn’t make me feel good because I have a need for respect. Do you understand why I’m not getting you the milk now? Tell you what. If you apologize, I’ll forget about it, and go get you your milk.”

He didn’t apologize, and said nothing further.

After he finished his cookies, he just left without saying a word and started inventing things to do on the balcony.

I told him it was homework time and asked him what he was doing. He told me he didn’t feel like doing homework right now.

“Feel or no feel, it’s time to do homework,” I insisted.

He tried to get away but I grabbed him firmly by the arm and took him to his room. He tried to grab some Lego in his room to play with which I put back on the shelf and proceeded in putting all the Lego away and out of sight.

I told him, “You’re going to sit over there until we’re done. If you need help, let me know.”

He instead chose to sit on the floor and sulk, until that sulkiness turned into tears.

“What’s going on buddy?” No response.

“Is there something you need?” No response.

“Do you feel like I’ve been treating you unfairly?” Nods head in agreement.

“How would you like to be treated?” No response.

“What do you think is a better solution?” No response.

I get him some tissues because he was drooling all over the place. I saw he needed more, so I gave him the whole box.

Now instead of grabbing one tissue, he grabs the entire stack of what’s left in the box and wipes his face with it.

Now, from my point of view, he was obviously being provocative and I was an inch away from going ‘old school discipline’ on him, if you know what I mean. Instead, I grabbed the tissues from him, and walked away to center myself. I salvaged what tissues I could and threw the rest back to him.

I told him to figure out the homework by himself now, and that he could forget about any extra TV time today.

I sat in the corridor centering myself, thinking about what the best response would be coming from a place of love. I decided to go in the direction of reconciling and connecting, extending the proverbial olive branch. I figured he’d still want that milk from before, so I got him a cup and placed it in front of him. He eagerly drank it.

I kept an eye on him in the corridor and saw him lying down on the floor. I told him that if he wanted to lie down, it’s better to just lie in bed. So he did. He fell asleep soon after and slept for pretty much 13 hours straight, skipping dinner that day. It seemed like he definitely had some recovering to do, and it would explain the behavior, which is usually much more cooperative.

This story reflects that I am by no means perfect when it comes to dealing with these situations, but I do have the tools I need to fall back on. When I feel my emotions rising, I remember to center myself, which is always the first step. My initial reactions may not always be the best, but by navigating subsequent responses with care and consciousness, I can enact damage control, and make sure things don’t spiral out.

Pivoting between ‘listening and reflecting’ to ‘reconciling and connecting’ was also key. My questioning and labeling wasn’t completely futile, since it did make him feel understood (head nodding to ‘being treated unfairly’). However, I wasn’t getting enough of a response to be able to negotiate a solution. Instead of ‘taking in’ what he had to say, I decided to ‘give away’ my love and compassion through what started with the act of bringing him the milk.

It’s still really important to set your boundaries though, and ‘train’ people how to treat you. It’s vital that you do this for your own self respect: if you have a neat house, and someone messy comes into your house, you don’t all of a sudden allow your house to get messy. You communicate boundaries and emanate your neatness from the inside out.

Spread love, be disciplined, and set boundaries.

In any relationship, your partner naturally influences who you are. There's a saying that you're “the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with,” and your partner is likely one of them. Being mindful of how your traits affect each other helps guide your personal growth and prevents you from ‘losing yourself.’

So, what makes you you? It's a blend of your interests, passions, and experiences—things that evolve over time. In a healthy partnership, it's essential to grow together. You don't have to share the same hobbies or follow the same path, but supporting each other's growth is key. Without an understanding of your partner's goals and dreams, you risk growing apart.

But remember, your personal growth is your responsibility. If you feel your needs aren't being met, don't hesitate to talk with your partner about how to support each other's long-term growth.

Connect deeply with your partner, but always return to your own center. Never lose sight of who you are.

Having a purpose before you involve other people into your life is going to allow you to stand on your own feet without having to rely on others for direction and meaning.

This will create much more synergistic relationships than if you depend on your partner/children/parents/friends etc. to give you that meaning.

Sacrificing your own purpose for the sake of others will eventually come back to kick you. It might cause resentment for those around you, blaming them for your situation, painting you as the victim in all of this when in fact it is self instigated. It’s the opposite of what you intended.

The point is: you need to figure out yourself first. That doesn’t mean you should cut ties with relationships you have, to go sit in a cave and meditate (although if you do, let me know about it). It can be a parallel process where you follow your inner journey at the same time that you are helping others with theirs, and being helped by others in yours.

We live in an interdependent reality. Humans are social beings and are inclined to seek out others to get their needs met. To figure out what exactly your needs are, and to have that be independent of any relationship (although as mentioned, to be able to be supported by it) is going to make you much more resilient and a more effective communicator because you know what you stand for and you know what you want.

Let me know your thoughts!

Yesterday, I was supposed to run an errand for someone and I totally forgot. My partner noticed, and asked me about it.

My first reaction: “Yeah, I didn’t have time.”

My partner: “Well…”

Me: “Yeah, ok fine, I didn’t make time.”

It wasn’t a big deal, but somehow it ate at my ego.

I was finally able to let it go when I realized I CHOSE not to do the thing because I prioritized other activities.

I chose… and that gave me power and put me back in the driver’s seat.

I know my own journey and I can’t expect others to understand it.

“Only god can judge me.”

Your purpose is like a contract between you and a higher power. You are then given prescription glasses in order to see that purpose. If you give those prescription glasses to someone else, you can’t expect them to see what you see as clearly as you do… because those glasses were made FOR YOU!

However, listen to what those closest to you have to say, and look inside to understand why you are triggered. You might not be able to do so in the moment, but if you listen and reflect, you can go back inside to find your center. Go back to your values and principles.

Mine:
1. Everyone is a mirror, especially those closest to you.
2. You don’t need anyone to understand you, as long as you understand yourself.

Have a great day.

Here is my 4 step communication process in action:

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my son about homework.

He told me that he talked to his teacher who said that I should be helping him with homework, which according to him, I was not doing.

Now my definition of ‘helping’ and his are slightly different, and we kind of butted heads there on what ‘helping’ meant.

I let go of trying to convince him that what I was doing was helping, which was obviously not working. I stopped myself getting exasperated emotionally, took a deep breath, and turned into ‘label and question’ mode:

“What does helping mean to you?”

“How would you like me to help?”

“Are you saying you want me to do your homework for you?”

After a series of clarifying questions, and reflecting back to him what I thought he was telling, we went into the negotiation part. I specifically told him not to use the word “help” in what he wanted from me, since we still didn’t see eye to eye on its definition.

“So if I do a part of the exercise for you, and you do the rest, would that be fair?”

He agreed.

I thought it was a win-win, especially because of the way I’ve seen him do some of the exercises by himself. What he needed was a clear practical example of how to do it, and I had to let go of my ego about how I thought he should do it.

The key part in this last thing is getting to the root of the “needs” here, and mostly understanding what yours are to the fullest. My “need” in this case was getting him to do the homework in a motivated way, ensuring the kind of attention to detail I’m looking for. If that means sacrificing a part of the work where I do it myself, then so be it. I’d rather take a piece of a big tasty pie, rather than an entire small pie that’s kind of burnt and leaves a bitter after taste…

After homework, we connected by skating together in the park.

This story illustrates my 4 step process in a nutshell.

Let me know if it gave you some insights.