Mommy Sarabeth

Worrying about what others will think is a significant issue that traps individuals who have suffered from early-life trauma in enduring relationships with harmful people.

When such harmful individuals have previously provided help, the fear of being seen as ungrateful holds you back. As a result, you continue to endure mistreatment and emotional manipulation.

The instant you conquer the fear of being tagged as ungrateful is when you start to experience genuine freedom and lasting tranquility.

If a toxic individual exists in your life, it's time to cut ties, regardless of the level of assistance or support they've previously given you.

Their past help doesn't entitle them to demand lifelong submission and subservience from you.

One of my deepest regrets is staying entangled with my former guardians for so long, despite their persistent sense of entitlement and disregard for everything my spouse and I contributed to the family as a token of gratitude for helping me through my education.

The fact that we struggled for many years to conceive, and poured significant resources into fertility treatments seemed irrelevant to them. They were indifferent.

When another family member attempted to highlight the emotional and financial toll of our efforts to have a child, this woman simply said, "They have the money; let them keep spending."

The family thrives on baseless assumptions, suspicion, superstition, harmful comparisons, and rivalry. It's a destructive setting for anyone who isn't part of their immediate circle.

However, lessons have been learned, and I am now free.

Our very first joint income (post mandatory deductions) as a couple was N93, 750. We decided on operating a joint account from the beginning since we both knew that neither of us is a spendthrift, and we were mutually accountable to each other.

At the time, while I was working in Lagos, my husbandman was working in Ibadan. So, we had to maintain two apartments.

The one in Ibadan was N60,000/annum while that of Lagos was N130,000/annum, bringing this to a total of N190,000/annum.

To meet up with rental payments at both ends, we saved N16,000/month solely for rent.

We decided to place our parents/ex-guardians on monthly allowances according to our capacity at the time.

There were four of them- the people I lived with, my mom, my parents-in-love and my hubby's maternal grandma who took care of him for the first 8 years of his life since he lost his mom at birth.

How much could we afford for parents at that point out of the N93,750? We set aside N5,000 for each of the four, bringing us to a total of N20,000.

The rest of the money was spent on transportation between Ibadan and Lagos, which happened every weekend; feeding, transportation to and from work for both of us, and monthly savings of N20,000.

Now, read this- of the four people we placed on monthly allowance, only the people I lived with never appreciated what we gave. Whilst they would tell us 'thank you' after receipt of the money, they went around bad-mouthing us, telling everyone how ungrateful and stingy I was; how, out of my ‘plenty’ salary, I was giving them only N5,000 a month.

The other three would pray for us wholeheartedly and not fail to mention to anyone who cared to listen, how we were really taking care of them.

As the years went by, as soon as our incomes increased, we also increased the monthly allowances for everyone of them, still maintaining the same rate across board.

Then, the woman I lived with began to call to make inquiries about who and who I was giving monthly allowance and how much I was giving. I told her about the other three and told her everyone got an equal portion.

This became a big problem for her and her family as they felt that they deserved more than everyone else. This woman began to complain to some relatives and would sometimes blatantly lie that we weren't giving her and her family anything.

At other times, she'd deliberately lie about the amount she always got from us, so it would seem like we did below par.

Anytime we traveled home, we would buy a mix of various foodstuffs and share amongst the four. This woman would keep asking if we gave others, and the moment we confirmed, it would become a problem for her. She always felt that she was the only one entitled to anything from me.

There was a time my father-in-love visited us, and after he left, she called to query me, firstly on why I didn't inform her before he came over, and secondly, she wanted to know how much we gave him when he was leaving.

To her first question, I told her- "Ma, I see no reason why I have to inform you when my husband's father is visiting. He's simply visiting his son's home, too. Does your son or daughter have to inform their inlaws when you are visiting them?"

And to her second question, I told her: "I'm sorry Ma but I don't think you need that information. When we give you money, we don't tell anyone about it."

This angered her so much.

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The first time we bought parents/guardians Ankara materials was also at the beginning- when our income was only N93,750. We were traveling home and felt that we needed to do something special. So we bought 30 yards of an Ankara material. Each 5 yards cost N2,500.

My mom got 5 yards and so did my husband's maternal grandma. My parents-in-love got 10 yards since they are two, and so did this woman and her husband.

Whilst the rest thanked us profusely and prayed for God's blessings over us, this woman looked at the brown-colour3d material, touched it and said: "but this material is a low quality ankara. It's not something that someone at my level should wear."

We said to her: "we are sorry Ma but that's all we can afford for now."

Whether or not she ever sewed or wore the material, I can't tell.

A few years later, I decided to get her and my mother-in-love a very beautiful lace material. It was N15,000 for 5 yards. I chose my two best colours- teal and peach.

I gave my mom-in-love the teal-coloured one while I gave this woman the peach-coloured lace. She immediately asked me: "did you also buy for your mother-in-law?"

"Yes, Ma", I responded.

Her countenance changed immediately. After a few seconds, she asked begrudgingly: “what colour did you buy for her?"

"Teal green", I responded.

"Ha! I would have preferred that to this colour you gave me".

Ok Ma. Next time, I will put that in mind.

A few years later, she denied I bought her that lace material.

Fast forward to another time, hubby and I decided to buy all but my hubby's grandma, sets of daviva ankara materials.

For this woman and her husband, we bought 8 sets (4 for her and 4 for her husband). We did same for my parents-in-love. For my mom, we bought 4 sets.

Some months later, this woman had an altercation with us and one of the things she said was: "you would claim to be buying us clothes, only for us to realize that you're buying the same materials for us and your in-laws. What an insult!"

Wow! Meaning that she feels superior to my parents-in-love and felt belittled to be getting an equal treatment with them.

She often makes it seem like my parents-in-love didn't train my hubby in school, like she and her hubby were the only ones who trained someone in school.

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Anyways, why am I telling you this story? For some readers here, when they read excerpts of my book, they immediately conclude that if anyone paid your school fees, it is not appropriate to write about them the way you do. When you report how they mistreated you, it means you're an ingrate.

People draw these conclusions because they're only reading 1 percent of the entire story. They aren't privy to other events in the story.

Well, this is just a snippet of so many things that happened even after I had stopped living with them.

The rest of the story is in Volume II of my book, which will be released soon.

Individuals who mistreat you, regardless of your age, typically don't want their actions exposed, particularly if they've ever provided you with support.

Their first line of defense is usually enforcing silence. To them, your silence protects their reputation and ensures their control over you remains intact.

The moment you begin to break free, a struggle for control ensues. They resort to manipulation, lies, and emotional blackmail, often citing all they've done for you as if it negates their abuse.

They conveniently omit how they've subjected you to pain, deception, and manipulation. They ignore the countless times they've undermined you when it suited them.

They gloss over the many ways you've reciprocated their 'kindness,' which they never acknowledged, feeling as if they are entitled to own every aspect of your life.

Their expectation is for you to funnel your entire salary into their bank account as a token of gratitude. Even when you and your spouse are sharing a car, they demand one from you. Their demands even extend to you building them a new home as soon as you start earning.

In reality, their so-called help was always a calculated investment, aimed at benefiting them regardless of the toll it takes on you. They have no concern for any difficulties you may face.

A truly toxic family.

It may not feel like God is answering your prayer right away, but His answer in the immediate is often “wait” or “trust.” It can feel hard, but there's a blessing in the answer “wait.”

When a narcissist can no longer deny what they did to you, due to obvious evidences, they trivialize the gravity of their actions.