02/22/2017
"Some people who know me are shocked to hear about my battle with depression because I don’t appear to show outward signs of depression when I am around people. I learned how to live in denial about it and hide any signs of it. It has been a roller coaster ride for me for the last 10 years. I was bombarded by suicidal thoughts but I never had a plan of action to end my life. Those passive thoughts were all that I had for comfort. I felt empty, alone, and consumed by this sense of darkness. I didn't think I would ever see the light at the end of my tunnel, until I started to deal with depression in 2012. My depression was the result of the many years of physical, verbal, mental, and emotional abuse that my mom had inflicted on me. Growing up my mom had always told us that this was her way of disciplining. That through hits, slaps, yells, and harsh language and punishment we would learn to be obedient. By time I moved out after high school it was clear to me that her treatment was not a form of discipline, but domestic violence and abuse. I forced myself to remain physically and mentally strong because it was the only way I survived in that house. The harder I tried to suppress the pain and trauma, the worse I felt. I knew I had the symptoms of depression, but I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to seek professional help thinking that it would be useless and I was just simply not ready to deal with the darkness. It was just too painful. I did not think that anyone would understand what I had gone through, nor would they be able to help me. I was still in a great state of denial. I was trying to convince myself that I was strong enough to deal and overcome this on my own, that all this pain will eventually go away if I don’t think about it. I finally reached out for help when I was at my breaking point. The day I saw a psychologist, my road to recovery began. Not to my surprise, I was diagnosed with depression. She suggested that I try taking an antidepressant to help deal with the symptoms, so that I can have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with the pain and work towards a path of healing.
As I continue to actively deal and work through the aftermath of the many years of abuse through counselling, taking my antidepressant, and learning the power of forgiveness, I know that I am on the right path to recovery and healing. I know some days I will move further along than other days and other days I may find myself fall down or taken a few steps back, but that's OKAY because I know how to pick myself back up and the direction that I need to head. At least I know that when I look back I am not in the same place nor the person that I used to be in the good way!
Throughout all this I could not have made it through and be here today to share my personal story of what mental illness looks like if it weren’t for my Faith and the community of friends that I have been blessed with. Without their continuous support and willingness to walk with me, this journey would be a lot more difficult.
If you were to ask me how depression changed me in a positive way I would say that it has given me a voice to speak up about the importance of mental health to remove the stigma; it has made me become more compassionate and caring to those who are suffering; it has given me a better understanding of mental health and how to be there and journey along side those who are dealing with a mental illness. Our stories matter, because they give us the power to break down the walls and stigma around mental health! You never know how your story maybe helping another person."
