Compassionately ADHD

A perspective that I find helpful at times as an ADHDer mom and mother to ADHDers is this 30% rule that comes from Russell Barkley.

I know there can be stigma and backlash with seeing ADHD from the disability perspective but I find it quite supportive to have this view at times-to give myself and my child a moments grace when struggling and to bring about compassion.

ADHD is a neuro developmental disorder that has developmental delays and impacts executive functioning and emotional regulation. When we adjust our child’s age to take that into consideration then we also adjust our expectations and dissolve some of the common conflicts we engage in assuming they should “be” somewhere they aren’t.

So if we say a 10 year old “should” be able to do 40 minutes of homework. An ADHDer child would be working more with a 7 year old level of EF skills (self awareness, self motivation, impulse control, time management skills, organization…) we adjust to a more reasonable 10 minutes of focused concentration.

Obviously not a steadfast rule but making adjustments like this can be helpful.

Executive Functioning skills are brain based skills that we need to initiate, plan & perform, stay focused and complete tasks. They can be seen as the conductor or air traffic control of the brain- hence the word- executive- big boss getting stuff done!

ADHD brains have challenges with executive functioning skills that occur mostly in the frontal part of the brain.

Genetics impact the EF skill set, the brain is hardwired for for EF skills to develop and exist only as potential at first. Then comes into play environment and experiences. Specifically environmental toxins; trauma; abuse; psychosocial stress and poverty can have a huge negative impact on EF skill development.

Positive emotional connections forming secure and safe attachments inform the development of EF skills too.

EF skills help a child to grow up and become indecent, self motivated person who can make and peruse goals successfully.

It takes about 25 years for these skill sets to fully develop so take a breath, there is time to see improvements in your child!

ALL kiddos (and parents!) deserve a full cup🧋.
What fills your kiddo up?



🌟Is your child coming home with an empty cup? Let us know in the comments below👇🏼👇🏼 I know this has been the theme in our house last week. Long days and shifts in routine can all play a part in emptying our childs cup.

🌟For my child, play is the number one thing that fills up his cup. This is so common for many kids. As soon as we get home, he will go to his space, where he knows all his toys will be and he will often play out things that happened that day.

🌟The emotional cup theory is widely known throughout the child psychologist community. The more a childs cup is emptied by the stress of the day, the more it is essential to reconnect and work on filling the cup back up.

🌟We want to remember that our kids may be coming home with a cup that is close to drying up, especially if there are challenges throughout the day. Remember to try to fill up their cup when they get home, even a snack, drink, play time, and some 1:1 connection time a bit later.

When your child is dysregulated likely there is an unmet need and or a skillset that is not available to them.

1. Put out the fire!
Share your calm.

2. Build the bridge between that moment and what was going on with what they were communicating with their behaviour.

3. Collaborative problem solve ways in which they can learn to express in a different way next time, how to ask for support.

love this quote from

Feelings of overwhelm can happen when we feel alone in our experience. Just like adults, kids need to be heard and validated for their experience, whatever it may be. Sometimes just being heard and held in your experience is enough to shift things completely.

It’s ok to not provide solutions for your child, in fact it’s really helpful to stand back mentally while remaining close emotionally. Save the parentsplaining!

I love this quote from

Feelings of overwhelm can happen when we feel alone in our experience. Just like adults, kids need to be heard and validated for their experience, whatever it may be. Sometimes just being heard and held in your experience is enough to shift things completely.

It’s ok to not provide solutions for your child, in fact it’s really helpful to stand back mentally while remaining close emotionally. Save the parentsplaining!

When we haven’t been able to hold it together there is the REPAIR and RECONNECT!

Model for your children your vulnerability and take responsibility for your part in a break down moment.

This supports children in knowing that being able to manage emotions is an ongoing journey and that even when things are very challenging they are loved!

Without the repair children can feel abandoned, unsafe, unlovable, misunderstood and alone.

And you might go into the shame spiral. So cut that off at the pass and show your kiddo your human too.

Winter wanderer and ponderer ❄️💙

High emotional charge goes hand and hand with ADHD. ⚡️

People might say, they are just SO sensitive! And it’s true, we are. Our nervous systems are more vulnerable and on high alert. It’s just a fact.

Some kiddos might need more emotional coaching than others to move with their experience.

Here are some ways to look at emotional support, which is an ongoing experience.

Recognize every emotional experience is an opportunity to understand your child and their threshold.

Where is your child having the most difficulty in their Executive Functioning skillset?

No ADHD brain is the same and it can be overwhelming to know where to start supporting your child. When it comes to impairment or lags in these cognitive processing skills the impact in our day to day life is exhausting.

So start slow, pick 1 or 2 where you see the most struggle and look there for answers.

Hands on solutions and ideas for each area coming soon.

Thanks to for this chart

Family Dance Party for brain boosting!
🕺🏽💃🏻🪩👯‍♀️👯

Parenting is frustrating! And parenting a child with high needs can really take a toll.

I appreciated this reminder from about choosing our words mindfully when expressing our not so savoury feelings.

Taking a moment to pause and be aware of the words we choose to express the feeling WE have when it is in relation to something our child has done or said.

Our feelings are our own. It can also model for our children how to take ownership of their experience when speaking about their feelings.