07/05/2023
IF YOU COULD WIPE YOUR MEMORIES AWAY, WOULD YOU?
I was watching a movie where a god offered to wipe the memories of a woman because of what seemed (at that point) to be a doomed love. Everything would stay the same except she would have no memories of that relationship. After some struggle, she declined.
I wonder if we're the same? As painful as our love can be, would we rather forget it? I certainly have had great disappointments and utter pain from relationships. I have experienced anger, humiliation, grief, and desperation. But if someone offered to delete the entire relationship from my memory, would I accept? Who would I be then? Wouldn't I be bothered by the gaps in my life?
Alzheimer's is one of our most dreaded diseases. Especially as I get older, I wonder whether I will lose my memories. We carelessly say "I lost my mind," to tell others that we went wild with sadness, but we don't really mean that literally. Yes, people drink, take drugs, and go on crazy adventures to forget their pain, but they don't ultimately want to go all the way.
Maybe we can see our pain from a different perspective. It's awful, yes. But it's also part of us and we wouldn't want to forget the beauty that went with the pain.
It's too glib to say we are our pain. It's too easy to say, "bad goes with good." It's too tempting to dismiss everything by saying, "at least you had other blessings in your life." The person in pain lives with it—until they’re ready to let it go. Nothing compensates for it. It will change. It will shade into more muted tones. It will slowly reveal itself to be as much a part of life as anything we eagerly call good. But it will always be a part of us.
When we look back on what made us, we have to include everything—and not forget it.