End Emotional Hurt

Overcoming Sexual Abuse with the Power of Redemption

The girls – now grown women – who have come forth to tell their story of survival are now living from a sense of purpose.

They are changing their life stories. Taking the bad things that happened in their young lives and reinterpreting, rewriting their personal narratives in a more positive frame.

In doing so, they are able to change the meaning of their lives and, importantly, to take control of their life.

Once on a self-destructive path, their lives now have meaning and purpose.

Bravo!

From a psychological perspective they are coming into their personal power and transforming harrowing negative experiences and negative self-worth to find personal significance through the desire to help others.

Take, for example, the story of Anouska De Georgiou, a British victim of Jeffrey Epstein.

Interviewed on NBC's Dateline, Anouska explained that she had felt powerless to help other girls who were being abused. She told of being in the ocean and wanting to say something to a younger girl who “was on a paddleboard or something...and I wanted to say, 'You have to leave.' But I didn't."

She now works at the Kintsugi Foundation, helping women who are recovering from addictions, trauma, and mental health issues.

“. . . she now finds solace in helping other victims, saying: ‘My healing came through that, that I could walk alongside these women and girls and be a witness to their suffering.”

The Kintsugi Foundation takes its name from a Japanese art form: “the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer with the understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.”

“More beautiful for having been broken.” How exquisite and hopeful and redemptive is that?

This is true of anyone who has suffered abuse of any sort.

There is always an opportunity for healing. And we are all more beautiful for having been broken.

I would love to hear your response to this idea. Do you agree we are all more beautiful for having been broken? If not, why not? You can reach me directly: mia(at)miadoucet(dot)com.

Challenging the Belief it is Impossible to Heal

”It takes a long time to start the healing process. I will never heal. There are pieces from me that can never be put back together.”
~ Virginia Roberts Giuffre, victim of Jeffrey Epstein starting at age 16

I understand that a victim of s*xual abuse would feel this way.
Even after years of traditional therapy.

Many women have told me that, in spite of years of talk therapy, they had never even broached the topic of s*xual abuse with their therapist.

Those who had, got no relief from the trauma. I too can attest that years of psychotherapy, including a three year certification course in Gestalt Therapy, did little to free me of the after effects of s*xual trauma.

There is a way to heal. There is a solution.

The most effective solution in my experience is tapping.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT and FasterEFT/Eutaptics offer.
surprisingly gentle and effective ways of dissolving the negative charge out of painful memories.

One evidence-based treatment is the “tell the story technique.”

Safety is always an issue. So the client often needs to be reminded that the abuse and trauma she suffered, however real, now exists only in the mind. She is in the room with me. She was not safe then. But she is safe now. Safe from harm. Safe from retaliation. Safe to tell her story.

With that assurance, the practitioner asks the client to select a painful memory and rank its emotional charge on a scale of 1 (low intensity) to 10 (high intensity).

Working with one of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims, the practitioner might ask whether she would like to start at her first memory of being asked to provide an erotic massage, remove her clothes, or engage in a s*x act. Any painful memory.

We ease the client into telling her remembered story by starting at a point before anything uncomfortable took place, so that we’re starting from low intensity.

She narrates the story, in present time, while doing EFT. The moment she feels any increase in emotional intensity we tap on meridian points until it resolves to zero. Each aspect and emotion that comes up is resolved in turn until the client can tell her story as though she were talking over lunch about a scene from a movie she once saw.

As you can see, this approach is as kind and as painless as it gets.

One of the most fascinating facets of this work is that once the emotional impact of s*xual abuse – or any issue, for that matter – has been collapsed to zero on the emotional intensity scale, the entire pattern of abuse that may have shaped her life dissolves.

One client, whose s*xual abuse started at age seven wrote this . . . after saying she had been “carrying around repressed emotions for 40 years:”

“When I came to you I felt void of emotion and passion, like I was hollow. Our first five sessions changed the trajectory of my life. Tapping reopened my soul by quickly clearing out old wounds that I had carried with me for the majority of my life. I find I’m so much more of me now, much more honest, much more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t hate myself for things that weren’t my fault. I can talk about stuff like I was r***d when I was seven without falling apart.”

As you would expect, where abuse happened over a period of time, as in this instance, more than one session will be required.

And yes, Virginia, that is how we put the pieces back together.

Take a look at this brief YouTube interview with a survivor of childhood s*xual violence who describes the EFT process as “incredibly freeing” 18 months after a single session: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCsu67K1KwQ

Resource

The Science of Tapping’s Summary of Scientific Published Studies itemizes no fewer than 52 peer-reviewed outcome studies on trauma. These include randomized controlled clinical trials (RCT) and systematic reviews in peer reviewed journals. Feel free to download the PDF file directly from my website:https://endemotionalhurt.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/White-Paper-The-Current-State-of-Scientific-Evidence.pdf

Source of Virginia Roberts Giuffre quote:

Years later, Epstein's victims discuss the lasting impact of s*xual abuse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDQJe0PIwbY

Testimonial - Sheila www.fastereftstressrelief.com After three EFT sessions 18 months earlier (I now work with Faster EFT) my client Sheila reports that the effect on her was "li...

Sexual abuse of girls and boys results in long-term psychological trauma.

And I can tell you that, unless treated, the emotional scars can last a lifetime.

I work (mainly) with women who in their child or teen years were s*xually molested or initiated into s*x games by their father, an older sibling or relative, neighbor or trusted family friend, coach or other in a position of authority.

In one extreme instance, my client, as a teenager, had by force been held captive as a s*x slave for five months by someone her parents had trusted in a professional capacity.

In each case, years of traditional therapy had not erased the pain of recurring nightmares and intrusive memories.

The results are always the same: self-blame, a feeling of isolation and profound damage to the psyche:

“Nobody knows what I’ve gone through. Nobody will believe me.”

Alcohol and drug abuse often shadow the anger, shame and humiliation of victims. As do broken relationships. Because, sadly, early s*xual abuse often repeat as echoes in future romantic betrayals.

We can force our feelings into a box. We can attempt to disconnect our emotions. But the emotional impact doesn’t wear off with time. We lose a sense of our own value.

The long-term effects include chronic nightmares, and post traumatic stress disorder. Sexual abuse renders a person emotionally fragile. Feeling trapped.

Through tears, clients tell of feeling disrespected, worthless, degraded, unloved, hurt, scarred, damaged. Angry. Abandoned. Depersonalized. Some had attempted su***de more than once.

Trauma Victims’ Core Issues

In their words . . . from my files:

o Deep inner shame that I did not understand.

o Deep emotional pain, self-hatred because I believed somehow it was all my fault, depression, despair.

o Shame and compulsive thoughts and trying to figure out what I did wrong for him to abuse me so much.

o Regret, failure and beating myself up. Self-hatred for all the mistakes and bad decisions.

o Deep, deep loss. Sadness inside. Overwhelming grief.

o Severe depression, anxiety.

o Feeling unable to cope with life, hopeless, helpless, exhausted and depressed.

o Hopelessness, shame, guilt, regret for all the mistakes.

o I deal with anxiety & panic, also deal with depression and PTSD.

o Feelings of rage, helplessness hate and shame.

o Sleep problems, broken sleep where I don’t sleep through the night. I wake up constantly, have weird dreams etc.

o The anxiety is for me the hardest, or has been, because the symptoms are uncomfortable.

There is hope, however. There is a way out. And that will be the topic of my next post.

Jeffrey Epstein and Why The Girls’ Secrecy?

“Nobody ever listened to me. So I never told.”
~ Tarana Burke, founder of the movement

My observations about trauma and abuse are not pure projection on my part. They are not just thoughts inspired by my clients’ stories.

I experienced numerous traumas in my younger years . . . from alcohol-infused childhood violence, to being threatened at knife point (by my father-in-law, no less; now there’s another story . . .) to r**e, to abuse, to s*xual assaults, s*xual betrayals, and s*xual harassment on the job. Those were my deepest frozen secrets. I was well into my 40’s before I could begin to speak of these things.

So I understand the young girls’ secrecy. I understand why Epstein’s accusers kept his manipulations to themselves.

“Nobody would understand . . . None of us talked about it after that . . . I’ve been in therapy for ten years and I’ve never talked to my therapist about it.”
~ Jena-Lisa Jones, victim of Jeffrey Epstein at age 14

When I was 13 or so, I assisted my father with his car auction business on Saturdays. My father’s partner’s son, older than me by several years, worked in the business as well. He took great pleasure in provoking me s*xually.

In my case, it wasn’t just shame or humiliation I felt at his s*xual advances. It was panic and dread. I would fake excuses for not being able to work on a Saturday. I had to study for an exam. I had to practice for a piano recital. But I never told my father the reason for my excuses. Or my mother.

You might say, I would not have dreamed of telling my parents. And why not? It’s startling to acknowledge, in retrospect, that I wasn’t sure anyone would believe me. Or do anything about it.

Now here’s a statistic: “Based on data from 30 countries, only 1% of adolescent girls who have experienced forced s*x reached out for professional help.”

Why the girls’ secrecy? “Nobody ever listened to me. So I never told.”

In my experience, guilt and shame also play a major role in our secrecy. More on that next time. If you have a story to tell, my readers and I would love to hear from you.

How did Jeffrey Epstein get his victims to recruit fresh quarry?

This morning, I read in my local paper about a common type of trafficker called a “Romeo pimp.” This is the trafficker who develops a romantic relationship with his victim.

Who knew there was such a term?

We don’t know whether Jeffrey Epstein developed a romantic relationship with his victims, or whether the sociopath was even capable of warm feelings.

But we do know, from the girls’ accounts, that there was a lot of emotional and mental manipulation going on.

And we know that victims often become emotionally attached to their trafficker. There are a few fascinating psychological curiosities that help to explain why Epstein was able to coerce and psychologically enslave his victims and get them to do his dirty work.

Trauma Bonding

Where you would normally expect the victim to hold a strong dislike, distaste and even hatred for the captor, the victim often develops an attachment with him. Sometimes a romantic attachment.

How? What are the conditions that might cause a victim to bond with the perpetrator?

1. The human being’s primal need to survive. Our brain and nervous system are wired to keep us alive. An insidious threat to a person’s physical self or psychological sense of self would trigger that most basic of all human drives.

2. A feeling of helplessness and powerlessness on the part of the victim.

3. A strong dose of covert manipulation that requires their silence.

4. Intermittent acts of kindness that have the effect of befuddling the brain and keeping the person off kilter.

5. A belief on the part of the victim that who would believe me?

Trauma Bonding sounds a lot like a version of the well-documented Stockholm Syndrome, defined as a psychological response wherein a captive begins to identify closely with his or her captors, as well as with their agenda and demands.

What suggestion(s) would you have for parents to inoculate their children from emotional and mental manipulation of any sort, romantic or not?

Jeffrey Epstein, Sexual Abuse, And The Power Dynamic

The whole seedy Jeffrey Epstein s*xual abuse scandal gives rise to so many questions. The ones that hold the most fascination for me are those concerning power and authority.

Does childhood train us to like being admired by men? To want to please people in authority? To respect those who have power over us?

Why are we afraid of the power of wealthy people and those who hold positions of authority?

Does it make sense to give away our power to men? (In the case of Epstein’s victims, to older men?)

Does it make sense to allow anyone power over our mind? Over our body?

What we don’t realize is that other people have only as much power as we give them.

I think we’re afraid of power in general. We’re even afraid of our own power.

To quote the enduring (and quoted ad nauseum) words of Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
~ Marianne Williamson

I think that, at heart, handing over our power to another stems from the desire to be loved and accepted. This has its roots in childhood.

It’s time to come into our true power as women.

This may sound heretical to some. But my advice is to love ourselves first and above all others. Then there will be no need to give away our power in order to feel loved and accepted.

Let’s trust our own instincts. Stop seeking validation from others to justify how we feel. Drop the desire to please and stop caring about male opinion.

Your thoughts? Do you agree? Disagree? Have anything to add? Anything to dispute? I’d love to hear from you.

Does the potential for s*xual abuse have its roots in childhood?

I’ve been wondering lately about our human tendency to readily give away our power. I’m thinking that, as with most everything, it has its roots in childhood.

We’re born powerful, right? When we cry, good parents come running. They feed us, burp us, amuse us, change our diaper and take care of our every need.

Then, as time goes on and we go through the terrible twos, testing out our independence, we find that our power begins to erode.

We are rightfully taught to respect our elders, please our parents, and do as we are told. (Some of us, under threat of punishment.) That is all good. (Well, not necessarily the punishment part. But you know what I mean.)

We might be little ferocious animals if they didn’t socialize us at an early age.

There’s more . . .
If you were born into a Hebrew, Muslim or Christian religion, as I was, where God is male, you were born into a male dominated society and the tacit belief that the woman should be subservient to the man. He is the one in authority. In other words, he has power over you.

The paradox is that in the process of growing up, we are carefully taught to give away our power in order to please those in authority.

Years ago, I read of studies that showed that before a child starts kindergarten, s/he has been told “no” over 40,000 times. What effect do you suppose that hearing “no” 40,000 times had on our young minds?

The problem is that once we reach a certain reasonable age, and we know the difference between right and wrong, and we know not to walk across the street without looking both ways, the good fairy does not magically appear, tap us on the shoulder and say, “Now it is time for you to think for yourself, big girl. Come into your own power. Think for yourself. Consider yourself your own authority.”

The good fairy didn’t appear to me. Did she appear to you?

And what does that have to do with Jeffrey Epstein, and s*xual abuse, you ask?

Well . . .

For one thing, there is an inherent power imbalance in how we are raised. Most s*x abuse is by a more powerful person. It’s (usually) men trying to exert their power over women.

They say that power corrupts. I also think that authority corrupts. And I am increasingly of the opinion that patriarchy corrupts.

I want my daughter and every woman in my life to realize that other people have only as much power as we give them.

Because not knowing our own power can often have unexpected consequences.

And that’s the topic of my next post.

What Is The Allure of Wealthy Older Men?

In a later post, we’ll look at the lasting impact of s*xual abuse.

But first, let’s take a peek at what enticed young girls to take part in the s*xual abuse of Jeffrey Epstein and his cronies.

We’ve talked about why men are attracted to preying on vulnerable girls. But what was the allure from their victims’ point of view?

Why did they do it?

In some instances, they were lured with promises to assist with their careers. (Many of the girls were recruited into the modelling agency, MC2.) Or lured with promises of getting into and paying for a prestigious university of their choice (Harvard, NYU).

Money is a temptation, of course. Would these young girls and women have been enticed into dating a broke old man? Not so likely.

Wanting a male perspective, I ask my partner what he thinks about why young girls could get lured by older men. His first response is that they are not informed enough to protect themselves.

He says, a lot depends on their relationship with their fathers as well as their mothers. When things are really bad at home, a girl may ignore parenting input, with an attitude of “I’ll show you!”

He adds, they are an alternative to a teenage girl’s mundane life. No doubt, there were perks. Girls are probably not prepared for the full spectrum of men’s ways. Have they been talked to about these things or do they get their s*x education from their peers?

They may never have had any money. So two or three hundred dollars for a massage may have been hard to resist.

Some of the girls came from disadvantaged families, were poor, had lost parents, were in foster care, or had left home. They may initially have enjoyed attention they may not be getting at home. They may never have had any money. So two or three hundred dollars for a massage may have been hard to resist.

That made them vulnerable.

“Jeffrey preyed on girls who were in a bad way, girls who were basically homeless. He went after girls who he thought no one would listen to, and he was right.”
~ Courtney Wild, who met Epstein at age 14, to Miami Herald reporter, Julie K. Brown.

And, finally, I ask, why would the girls stay? What arguments would Jeffrey Epstein make to get them to stay? What power dynamic was at play?

That’s the topic of my next post: the role the power dynamic plays in giving away our personal power.

I will delve deeper into the role parents can play in protecting our girls from predators in a later post.

Why do young women like older men?

Young women may feel it’s a status symbol to be with an older man. Men of wealth, success and power have a certain cachet. They impress with their confidence, financial stability, and sophisticated worldly ways.

Younger guys lack the social smarts and self-assurance. Not to mention, they have no gas money.

And sometimes they have zits.

Is it a Need to Feel “Special”?

Young girls are often all too keen to prove how special they are. Then, all it takes is wining and dining and some sweet talk to make a girl feel like a princess.

Romantic, No?

The older man can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Mostly, older men know how to make the young girl feel special. And young girls are totally “illusional,” totally naïve about the man’s motives.

Is it Based in Biology?

Scientific evidence suggests there is an evolutionary basis to women’s attraction to older men. It has to do with reproduction of the species, don’t you know? “While men may unconsciously want to ensure fertility in a prospective partner, for women, an older partner may be in a better position to provide financial stability.” i

Is it Romance? A Cultural Cliché?

Here’s what my friend John had to say when I asked, Why would a young girl . . .

She’s a bit naïve. Most young girls believe in the Cinderella story. She’s heard all her life about romantic love. The fantasy girls have is that they’re going to meet a wealthy Prince Charming who will sweep them off their feet.

The Prince is going to discover them. If they just get to know the Prince and spend time with him . . . “I’m different. Special. The handsome prince is going to fall in love with me and we will live happily ever after. He is going to take care of me for the rest of my life.”

It’s the most beautiful, unique thing in the world.

If the girls who got caught up in Jeffrey Epstein’s trafficking ring had been told that a dirty old man wants to use your body for a few hours, in return for pocket change, and then discard you, they would not have been so easily coerced.

But the lure of money, of luxury, the promise of connections with wealthy men, the travel to exotic locations, perhaps a modelling contract, was enough to ambush them into taking off their clothes. And more.
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i Fugère, Madeleine A., Leszczynski, Jennifer P., Cousins, Alita J. The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships. Red Globe Press. 2014

Why would men of power and privilege open themselves to potential extortion?

The age of has broken open the discussion of s*xual assaults on women by powerful men like movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, television icon Bill Cosby and now (say it isn’t so!) the esteemed tenor, Placido Domingo.

But my focus in this series is something more heinous. Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged s*x trafficking ring involved underage girls, some as young as 14 years old.

What is the long-term impact of s*xual crimes on young victims’ lives?

As you may have read, Jeffrey Epstein’s address book listed about 1,000 names of the “ruling elite”: American presidents, prominent politicians, princes, prime ministers, ambassadors, dignitaries and other world leaders. Financiers, business executives. Nobel Prize winners. Real estate moguls, scientists, academics, attorneys and Hollywood celebrities. Lots and lots of men of public stature, wealth and privilege.

Some of them have been implicated in court filings of taking part in a global s*x trafficking ring involving naïve, underage girls, some as young as 14 years of age. That would make these guys pedophiles.

Some of whom are now saying they “know nothing about the terrible crimes.” Right. We almost believe you.

The sordid details of Jeffrey Epstein’s antics are readily available online and needn’t be repeated here.

For me, the psychological piece is the most interesting aspect of this story. Why would a grown man be attracted to adolescent girls?

What are the conscious and unconscious drives behind why successful men would entangle themselves with women young enough to be their biological daughters and open themselves to potential extortion and criminal prosecution?

Why would a man of power and privilege be attracted to adolescent girls?

1. Is he in it for the ego massage? Is he toying with reclaiming his s*xual prowess? Is it because young girls will value what he has accomplished in life? Is it because they make no demands?

2. Jeffrey Epstein used young, attractive girls as lures. Was it the "lure of the forbidden fruit?" There’s a certain thrill to doing something you’re not supposed to do. These men could have hired escorts if all they wanted was s*x. Is illicit s*x more desirable?

There’s a ring of truth to this. We know that if drugs are not illegal, the lure is decreased. One man I interviewed reminded me that when Portugal made history by becoming the first country in the world to decriminalize the consumption of all drugs in 2001, co***ne and he**in use plunged. Do you suppose it was because the thrill was gone?

3. They have connections. The behavior – including engaging in s*x acts with under aged women during naked massage sessions is not as bad if others do it too. And if other powerful people look the other way. Right? It lessens the stigma. I’m told that breaking the man code that exists between men is taboo. That ratting out on a male friend or colleague is verboten.

I ask myself, did they absolve themselves of rational guilt? Or did that never enter their minds?

4. Belong to the ruling elite—a select club, a tribe of wealthy, powerful men who have standing in society. Is illicit s*x the last bastion of male privilege corrupted by authority, power and wealth?

5. Is it a sense of entitlement? The Epstein modus operandi described both in court filings and in journalistic accounts has much in common with allegations about other rich, famous, and powerful men who have been accused of treating people “as mere instruments of their own desires.”

The only reasonable explanation I can come up with for why men of power and privilege would so engage is that it’s a complex combination of all the above. And . . . because they can.

Why do young women like older men? Maybe they like a man who looks a little battered by life? That’s next.